On Autonomy
and the 8-month journey to reach this damn stage
Have you ever moved to a new country for an extended period of time? If so, you’ve likely seen this graph. It’s the 5 Stages of Culture Shock framework that many expats experience when moving to a new place — Honeymoon, Disintegration, Reintegration, Autonomy, and Independence.
I take great pleasure in announcing that from my most recent self-psychoanalysis, I’ve finally moved from Reintegration to Autonomy! #achievementunlocked
Driving is one of the ways how.
The Reintegration Phase
Reintegration: “During this stage, you may develop prejudices towards the new culture. You’re angry, frustrated and wonder why you made the decision to change. You start to idealise life “back home” and compare your current culture to what is familiar. This is absolutely normal and a healthy reaction — it means you are reconnecting with what you value about yourself.”
Over the past few months, I had been pining for practically everything that meant “convenience” in the US. For example, I missed stores being open on Sundays, most coffee shops having wifi, paying with credit card or even apps, laundering clothes in machines that could wash more than 10 pieces at a time… the list goes on.
Everything in Germany seemed to take more time or hassle.
Most of all though, there was one inconvenience in my Reintegration phase that I found to be of upmost annoyance — public transportation.
A Clash of Cultures
When I had first landed in Berlin and my StartCon lady (someone my company had hired to make sure I settle into Germany alright) told me she was waiting to pick me up from the airport, my naive question was — “What does your car look like?”
In America that would be the obvious question to ask as you’d assume someone “picking you up” from the airport would be coming in a car. Nope. Shocked, she told me that she didn’t even have a license, and later admitted that her first impression of me was that I have strange and ridiculous expectations of people. (Great start.)
In the driving culture that is America, you’re practically immobile without a car. The infrastructure is designed for vehicles, not public transport.
- Parking structures at malls in California are often 4+ stories high,
- Highways have 4–6 lanes for each direction,
- Land is spaced out (my high school was 18 miles from home),
- And the Caltrain which connects the heart of Silicon Valley arrives only once per hour during midday weekdays.
- Even from a safety perspective, driving is often the preferred choice, as in San Francisco, it’s unfortunately not uncommon for women to be approached late at night.
In comparison to Germans, Americans drive everywhere.
Thus when I first settled into Berlin, the non-driving culture came as a shock. When colleagues said lunch was a quick few minutes around the corner, they really meant a 13-min walk around 3 blocks. When passerbys mentioned a store was only a few kilometers away, they referred to a 30-min bus or tram ride. No one talked in driving distances.
And since ride-sharing is heavily regulated in Germany and taxis are expensive, I began using public transport reluctantly.
What’s the thing?
Now here’s the thing about public transport. It’s incredibly efficient (and cheap) when it’s peak time and you’re going to popular, congested places. If not though, your experience is usually a combination of at least 2 of the following:
- Google-mapping routes until your phone battery dies
- Waiting up to 20 minutes for one bus (in the effing cold!)
- Traversing 2–3x more distance by foot
- Standing the entire transport duration because seating is occupied
- Taking the tram in the wrong direction
Let’s just say, I’m not always a fan.
The result of using only public transport was often time ill-spent.
Now I’m not sure if it’s an American-thing or a Niki-thing, but guarding my time is important to me. There’s a popular phrase in America that “time is money,” and I like to save time so I can spend it on things that matter to me. I think we say we “spend” time for a reason — because spending is almost always a choice. And I was becoming quite angry that I ended up squandering much of my time on inefficient public transport.
The Autonomy Phase
Autonomy: “This is the first stage in acceptance. You feel more confident and better able to cope with any problems that may arise based on your growing experience. You no longer feel isolated and instead you’re able to look at the world around you and appreciate where you are.”
I decided to take matters into my own hands and attempt to optimize time.
I began with small things, like downloading “Never Split the Difference” on Audible and listening to the audiobook on tram rides (#booktime), or finding a seat on a particular side of my work tram where I knew there was always sun in the morning (#suntime). On longer routes, I would call and chat with family members (#familytime). And eventually I bought a groovy bike to commute to work daily (#workouttime). I also left time to not think about time, to do nothing but stare at the world around me (#appreciatelifetime).
All of these changes offered me more control over my environment, with margin for serendipity. But still at crosswalks when I saw cars zoom right past me (pedestrian-right-of-way?), I felt jealous of the drivers and became determined to put the Auto in Autonomy.
After much decoding of the exciting bureaucratic German process required to obtain a license to drive in Europe, I finally gained the ability with an app to rent and drive cars dispersed around the city.
The first time I drove in Germany, I was probably the slowest driver on the road (and I did get 3 honks). I didn’t know what any of the blue signs meant (oops), so I simply followed other cars when I didn’t know if I could make a left turn, even if that meant waiting for the car in front of me to make a left turn.
I also realized I’m just as inadequate with directions in Germany as I was in the US. And since large parking lots are rare in Germany, I usually asked passing strangers to help me parallel park — sometimes they helped, other times they attempted to ignore my destruction of the German social norm that strangers don’t talk to one another. My favorite moments though have all been through the shitty User Experience of the app, robotically saying I couldn’t end the rental because “I’m not in the DriveNow zone.”
After a few weeks through trial and error, I became more confident in driving. The feeling was similar to unlocking a prestigious new race level in Mario Kart. Attending dinners, events, or just navigating around the city became significantly easier.
Finally after a few months, I found the balance to have more control over my time. I’ve now been utilizing all forms of transport for their various advantages — public transport for congested areas or peak-time adventures, biking for daily work commutes, walking for lunch breaks and refreshing evening strolls, and driving for everything else.
All in all, I’m relieved to be liberated from the Reintegration stage! It was truly driving me crazy. (Pun intended). Onwards now from Autonomy to Independence…
All good things take time,
Niki
