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If I Didn’t Have to Fart

A Song Parody of “If I Only Had a Heart” from The Wizard of Oz

My guts a rumbling kettle
even Pepto couldn’t settle,
I’m afraid I’m gonna shart.

I’d be petting random kittens
I’d go shopping for some mittens,
If I didn’t have to fart.

I’m afraid to move a muscle
or clench enough to hustle
to the bathroom, it’s too far.

I’d be floating like a feather
if not for this buttcheek tether
If I didn’t have to fart.

Here I go — explosive blow.
In relief my face aglow.
My condolences, toilet bowl.
A clean seat?
How sweet!

I’d be bursting with emotion,
yes, I’d frolic in slow motion
while I listen to Mozart.

I’d even hug a hipster
play a game or two of Twister,
If I didn’t have to fart.