Poor Shape (The Cheesy Tostada Song)

A Song Parody of “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes

Bonnie Barton
Feb 11, 2020 · 3 min read
Credit: Fidel Fernando via unsplash.com

I was tired of my diet
Scale wouldn’t budge for too long
Velveeta I’m hoarding
Paired with chips, they belong
Hot and gooey, they’re seepin’
My vices, they must be fed
I can’t live my life so solemn
I’ve no remorse, not a shred

If I like cheesy tostadas
Can’t stand low-fat quiche lorraine
If I’m not into yoga
Laugh at it with disdain
If I have an endless appetite
For guac on my plate
I’ll grab salsa from the store
And I’ll be in poor shape

I didn’t think about my diet
Tossed out those healthy greens
Nuked the cheese ’cause I’m lazy
Served on tortillas with a side of refried beans
So I opted for flavor
Gave up the latest fad
Making dinner, feeling heroic
I thought it wasn’t half bad

Yes, I like cheesy tostadas
And I’ll no longer refrain
I’m not much into health food
Dieting is a pain
Once I eat all this, my stomach’s sure to balloon
My cravings I try to abate
Mix things up with tamales
Yeah, I’ll stay in poor shape

So I waited with high hopes
My friends walked in the place
I knew their smiles in an instant
I bought tequila shots just in case
I didn’t need to feel shady
’Cause they said, “We love ’em, too”
We toasted for a moment
Then they said, “We always knew”

That you like cheesy tostadas
You should no longer abstain
From your Tex-Mex devotion
Dieting’s such a pain
We’ll join you for a crunchy bite
Even crumbs we will scrape
Order more shots, por favor
We’ll all be in poor shape

Yes, we like cheesy tostadas
We can’t stand quiche lorraine
We’re not into yoga
Laugh at it with disdain
We have an endless appetite
Cravings we satiate
Bartender, more shots, por favor
We’ll all be in poor shape

Yes, I like cheesy tostadas
And I’ll no longer refrain
I’m not much into health food
Dieting is a pain
Once all the shots kick in, I’m sure to swoon
I’m released of guilt and shame
I’ll eat more hot tamales
Yeah, I’ll stay in poor shape

Goodness, this sucker was tricky!

Today’s inspiration, the yacht club staple, “Escape (The Pina Colada Song),” which remains one of the catchiest pop songs ever written. I actually LOVE Rupert Holmes beyond this hit. This song is a blessing and a curse for Rupert. It’s beloved but simultaneously overshadows how talented he is.

Until her 40’s, Bonnie’s worst nightmare included writing and sharing personal stories publicly. At her friends’ suggestion, she bemusedly started Bonnie’s Mixed Tape on Medium in 2017. She remains shocked that anyone reads her stories and that P.S. I Love You, the Writing Cooperative, Song Done Wrong, and the Ascent have published her work.

Bonnie loves all types of music, but really, really, really loves the 80s!

Thank you for reading this story

I know you are busy and have lots of ways you could be spending your time. You using your time to read my work means the world to me — my sincerest thanks!

Song Done Wrong

Celebrating music through fiction and song parody.

Bonnie Barton

Written by

Queen of mixtapes. Lover of music, travel, and fashion. Authentic sharer of life lessons and dating foibles.

Song Done Wrong

Celebrating music through fiction and song parody. With an emphasis on hilarity.

Bonnie Barton

Written by

Queen of mixtapes. Lover of music, travel, and fashion. Authentic sharer of life lessons and dating foibles.

Song Done Wrong

Celebrating music through fiction and song parody. With an emphasis on hilarity.

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store