MUSIC MEMOIR
Goodnight Moon: A Study of One Needy Woman
For Dranken
I am George.
What I love about music is that — for me, anyway — there is a song to describe any given situation, mood, spot of time, and piece of my personality™️.
As writers we bare our souls. Our truths are vulnerable. But we are manically tricky. We also know how to hide certain truths. We know how to twist our words — although honest — keeping out what we don’t what others to see.
There is a song.
It came out in the late 90s. I loved the whole album really, but this song in particular resonated with me. I loved the poetry of it. And I saw myself in it. I saw my need for independence, yet my neediness. I saw my desire to be alone, yet my hatred of being alone. I saw the addictions that I kept hidden from everyone in my life — addictions that I felt helped me be alive. Helped me feel normal. Helped me be social. Helped me be the gregarious, outgoing butterfly everyone believed I was.
There’s a nail in the door
And there’s glass on the lawn
Tacks on the floor
And the TV is on
And I always sleep with my guns
When you’re gone
I lived many years of my young adult life drunk and addicted to codeine. Nobody knew. Nobody. I don’t think anyway. I’m writing these words out here for the first time. I was in so much emotional pain. The drinking at that time, well, I could control it. I drank a lot. But I could control it. The codeine I couldn’t…I’d been taking it since I was first prescribed it for migraines as a teenager. Thankfully, I never sought anything harder than that. I never would have. And. I never did any other kind of drugs. But I was a pill popper. And no one's medicine cabinet was safe from me. Truth be told, they probably still aren’t.
There’s a blade by the bed
And a phone in my hand
A dog on the floor
And some cash on the nightstand
When I’m all alone the dreaming stops
And I just can’t stand
The pills didn’t make me sloppy. Not at first. I mean, it got to a point where, yes, I had to stop it. And I did. It’s been well over a decade since I’ve taken anything like that. But they made me feel warm. They made me talkative. They made me feel creative. They made me feel numb to all the things I didn’t want to feel.
What should I do I’m just a little baby
What if the lights go out and maybe
And then the wind just starts to moan
Outside the door he followed me home
One of my problems in relationships is I am attracted to men with strong personalities. Controlling men, if you will. Dominant men. Not manly men. I like creative men. Smart men. And I want a man who will take care of me. Take care of things. Yes, take care of me.
I present myself quite differently.
But I am also “needy.”
However, what always happens is…the men actually end up being controlling. I think deep down what I really want is a partner. Someone who — well, we take care of each other.
Now goodnight moon
I want the sun
If it’s not here soon
I might be done
No it won’t be too soon ’til I say
Goodnight moon
I don’t think I really like controlling. Not all the way controlling. Not controlling of me. I like my freedom. I like my space. I like my independence. I don’t want to be shut-in. I create my own dark room. I hide under my blankets. Where is my friend?
There’s a shark in the pool
And a witch in the tree
A crazy old neighbour and he’s been watching me
And there’s footsteps loud and strong coming down the hall
Something’s under the bed
Now it’s out in the hedge
There’s a big black crow sitting on my window ledge
And I hear something scratching through the wall
Time after time. Time after time it happens to me. All my life. From the time I was a young kitten to now that I’m an old crotchety cat. I am such a mistake maker.
Oh what should I do I’m just a little baby
What if the lights go out and maybe
I just hate to be all alone
Outside the door he followed me home
And I never learn. Needy girl. Bad girl. Bad. Bad. Bad girl.
Now goodnight moon
I want the sun
If it’s not here soon
I might be done
No it won’t be too soon ’til I say
Goodnight moon
And then I meet him. But he can’t save me. Not really.
While you’re up so high
How can you save me
When the dark comes here
Tonight to take me up
To my front walk
And into bed where it kisses my face
And eats my head
I’ve lived my life paralyzed for years. I don’t know how to live anymore. I used to be full of life. Full of love. Full of passion. Full of fire.
What should I do I’m just a little baby
What if the lights go out and maybe
And then the wind just starts to moan
Outside the door he followed me home
Now goodnight moon
I want the sun
If it’s not here soon
I might be done
No it won’t be too soon ’til I say
Goodnight moon
No it won’t be too soon ’til I say
Goodnight moon
But I am George. And I am strong. And I get up…again, and again, and again.
And again.
Goodnight moon.
