The Girl with the Demon Tattoo
Hozier’s Arsonist’s Lullaby and my Struggle with Depression
Depression.
Situational, seasonal, acute, post-partum, PMDD (the evil sister of PMS), you name it, I’ve danced with it. On occasion, I like to spice things up with a bout of mania or your garden-variety panic attack, but for the most part, depression has always been my demon. It clings to me like a vampiric entity and no matter how much I try to shake, shake, shake it off … it’s always there—my perpetual dance with the devil.
Over the years, I’ve been in therapy and tried copious types of SSRIs, but my turmoil-tango partner never fully leaves me. However, with coping skills, counseling sessions, and chemical cocktails, I can ensure I’m leading the dance. I have just enough support to control my demon.
It’s like an exotic pet, depression. It has its good moments. It can make you humble and just dysfunctional enough to be funny, relatable, and empathetic. But if not handled delicately and with intention, it can turn around and bite you in the ass when you least expect it. You gotta keep it on a leash.
Que the music: Arsonist’s Lullaby by Hozier
When I was a child, I heard voices
Some would sing and some would scream
You soon find you have few choices
I learned the voices died with meWhen I was a child, I’d sit for hours
Staring into open flame
Something in it had a power
Could barely tear my eyes awayAll you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don’t you ever tame your demons
But always keep ’em on a leashWhen I was 16, my senses fooled me
Thought gasoline was on my clothes
I knew that something would always rule me
I knew the scent was mine aloneAll you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don’t you ever tame your demons
But always keep ’em on a leashWhen I was a man I thought it ended
When I knew love’s perfect ache
But my peace has always depended
On all the ashes in my wakeAll you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don’t you ever tame your demons
But always keep ’em on a leash
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Andrew Hozier Byrne
Arsonist’s Lullabye lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
When I first heard this song, it was like a gut punch. Someone else sees it.
All you have is your fire/And the place you need to reach
Don’t you ever tame your demons/But always keep ’em on a leash
I knew right away that I wanted that as my next tattoo. I wanted to see that as a reminder to myself every day. There is no getting away from our demons as they shape who we are. No matter what it is — addiction, disorders, chronic pain — we have to learn to LIVE with them. Live despite them. We may never overcome them, but we can still have a future with goals and hope. And, if given the proper tools the correct equipment, demons can fuel our determination to keep going. They can pull us along. We don’t have to let them totally define us. We are more than the sum of our destructive parts.
That’s just like, your opinion, man
Does the song actually mean that? Hell if I know. Could it actually be about some life-long firebug that would make for a great “ripped from the headlines” Law and Order episode? Maybe.
But it doesn’t matter. That was my takeaway, and that is the beauty of lyrical songs. Everything is up for interpretation, and this song reminded me that if I keep trying, keep looking ahead, I might be damaged, but I’m far from broken. I might be tethered to my depression, but I’m not the one wearing the collar.
That bitch is on a leash.
