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Well, Stone the Flamin’ Crows*

That pesky sheila* has me doin’ some hard yakka*

A bunch of crows stand around a flaming stone waiting to see if ducks have nuts
Crows around a flaming stone, waiting to get a glimpse of the ducks’ nuts*. Before you tell me I have it arse about face, I’m telling you — nobody wants me to set crows on fire to illustrate a story! Images by OpenClipArt-Vectors, Clker-Free-Vector-Images and Alexas_Fotos

The band’s back together!

Krystal Morgan made a comeback album, “Wrecking Balls”, and somehow she involved me, Hollie Petit, Ph.D. and Kristen Stark. More to the point, we’re wrecking stuff, again! Wahoo! But just getting excited exhausts me these days — once I’ve had a nice lie down, I’ll be back ….

Crickets. White noise. Dog barks in distance.

… Anyway, Krystal said I should create an album to help wreck Songstories but this uncalled-for intrusion means I have been flat out like a lizard drinkin’*, trying to lube up my withered vocal cords and selecting songs for my newest release.

Seeing as I’m making an effort, I’m going to reinvent my whole Suzie Quatro-style persona.

What could be better than an aging bass-playing, tart-vocalist, all doo-dah’d* up in black leathers?

I’m sure there are a lot of worse things — I just can’t think of any right now.

Anyway, I had a problem holding the bloody thing (the bass) — the strap cuts into my slowly healing broken shoulder. It took me long enough to get used to wearing a slingshot* again, let alone the dead weight of a custom bass guitar that Dee fashioned out of an old ironbark tank stand, thirty-five years ago. That fecker weighs a bloody ton (tonne, if you’ve gone all metric)! The bass, not Dee, although he has put on a lot of weight lately.

He eats so much rubbishy tucker*, mostly choccies*, he’ll be cactus* if he’s not careful!

But I digress (it’s my age, and the Aussie sun, you see).

Dee is out in his workshop working on a crane/pulley contraption that can stand behind me when I play, to support my axe. He’s going to paint it black to match my moth-eaten leathers.

I reckon the other girls will think the whole rig looks ridgy-didge*, especially Hollie who used to rock it out in the olden days and Kristen, well, she’ll be like Krystal, and do whatever I tell her.

I’m going to make them all hold the bass for a few seconds just so they can feel the weight and imagine it smashing across the back of their heads when they least expect it! It’ll be handy if they get into an argy-bargy*.

The only other issue I have to deal with is Krystal and her crying, screaming, laughing, dog howling sound effects. I haven’t got a fricking clue what that’s all about but listening to her bloody caterwauling makes me agro*.

I can probably shut her up with a handful of my constipation-busting prunes — it’ll be a cinch to shove some down her gaping piehole* (after I’ve belted her head with my bass). She won’t see a thing coming!

All this talking has left me as dry as a dead dingo’s donger*.

“Fetch me a tinny*, will yah, Krystal?”

Bloody hell, that sheila is as much use as tits on a bull!

Christopher Robin is probs trying to block me from Songstories right about now, so to placate him just a tinsy bit, I’m throwing in an almost pertinent link to Stone the Crows, 1973, “Penicillin Blues”.

This rocks and I’m tryin’ to show you that I am still way cool because I listen to bitchin’ music that has lyrics about penicillin.

Penicillin Blues 1973 by Stone the Crows on YouTube

Introducing my new album:

Trumpet fanfare, please — what? No one in this lousy band plays the trumpet? For shit’s sake!

I’ll tah-dah then.

“Tah bloody dah! My new album is …..”

“No Control” (I need my adult diapers)
Written and performed by Raine Leathers Ga-Lore
with backing vocals and other stuff by The Duck’s Nuts.

Comments on back of album by record producer, Wornout Records

“Ga-Lore is a bass bangin’ batty bitch who is long-overdue for the retirement home. We only produced this album because she threatened us with her ancient instrument — have you felt the weight of that thing? There was a big dust-up* in the recording studio before she’d finished her session which is why there aren’t many songs on this piece of crap.”

Album Songs

  1. 78 and Crashed in the Can (A medley of my two SQ Faves — this song is bonza!*)
  2. Stumblin’ Around (because of cataracts)
  3. The Old One
  4. He Used to Be Rock Hard
  5. It’s Devilish Difficult to Drive Through Me Gate (cataracts again)
  6. Too Many Minutes of Raine
  7. Best Things in My Life are Bloody Over
  8. Vaseline Queen
  9. Heart of Stents
  10. Hollie Would (if she still could)
  11. I Wanna be Free of Krystal
  12. If Only Kristen Would Bugger Off
  13. Love Hurts (but not as much as when he was rock hard)!

This album is gonna knock Acca Dacca* right off your musical radar.

I suggest you put your feet up this arvo*, get the little missus to BBQ some snags* and make some sangers* (after she’s been to the bottle-o* to grab some grog*), then crack a tinny* and listen to my covers. The more frothies* you have the better I sound, but don’t make yourself crook*.

I reckon you will think Raine Leathers Ga-lore and the Duck’s Nuts are the best things since sliced bread.

PS. This story was written using a smattering of Strine* by a Banana Bender*.

Glossary of terms

  • True Blue = Genuine Aussie
  • Stone the flamin’ crows! = Exclamation of incredulity
  • Sheila = Girl, woman, female, sheila
  • Yakka = Work
  • Duck’s nuts = Perfect, Great, Awesome
  • Flat out like a lizard drinking = working hard
  • All Doo-Dahed Up = Dressed up, Posh, Lookin’ like the duck’s nuts (see above)
  • Tucker = Food
  • Choccies = Chocolates
  • Cactus = Dead
  • Ridgy-didge = Genuine, Authentic, Good, Duck’s nuts (see above)
  • Argy-bargy = Disagreement, Argument, Dust-up (see below)
  • Agro = Aggravated
  • Piehole = Mouth
  • As Dry As a Dead Dingo’s Donger = Very thirsty
  • Tinny = Tin/can of beer
  • Dust-up = Fistfight, Argy-bargy
  • Bonza = Very good, Fantastic, Awesome, Duck’s nuts (see above)
  • Acca Dacca = AC/DC
  • This Arvo = This afternoon
  • Snags = Sausages
  • Sangers = Sandwiches
  • Bottle-O = Bottle shop
  • Grog = Booze, Alcohol, Tinnies, Frothies (see below)
  • Tinny= See Grog above
  • Frothies = See Grog above
  • Crook = Ill, sick, spew, Technicolor yawn
  • Strine = “Australian” said very, very quickly (hah, I just know you’re all saying this right now)!
  • Banana Bender = Queenslander



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Raine Lore

Raine Lore


Independent author on Amazon, reader, graphic artist and photographer. Dabbling in illustration and animation.