This or That : Pair-bonding or Companionship
Marriage, societal norms and disability
The last few months of the lock-down enforced across India, due to the pandemic, have been very entertaining and agonising.
No! it ain’t the vaccine development that has left me in this flux.
Gone are the days when Boroline , Chyawanprash or Dollar Thermal reminded of the fact that winter is finally here. My Instagram feed solves the dilemma single-handedly.
Throwing on my pajamas ,sipping coffee and swiping up; I knew it was winter — every twirl, hashtag, countdown, firework, loud music (the pandemic saved me from loud aunties) and of course captivating decorations and entry styles.
Yes I am talking about — Marriage !
Coming from an Asian country , timelines for my marriage were set even before timelines for admission to a school was thought of. Right , I get it , shall steer clear from such an exaggeration!
India celebrates about 10 million weddings per year! A number huge enough to raise a toast if you were an event planner.
But as a woman in early adulthood either the society sarcastically asks me to put a ring on it or Beyoncé mellifluously asks me to
There have been many different things written and said about marriage — From the sweetly inspirational
to the hilariously cynical
Let’s keep the quotes aside and rewind for a bit
Marriage from its main purpose, from the kinds of relationship , rights and responsibilities has varied between eras, cultures and social classes.
Pair-bonding is as old as humanity itself . It was a way of organizing and controlling sexual conduct and providing a stable structure for child-rearing and the tasks of daily life. With the rise of sedentary agricultural societies about 10,000 years ago — Marriage was also a way of securing rights to land and property by designating children born under certain circumstances as rightful heirs.
As the societies became larger and complex, marriage became not just a matter between individuals and families but also an official institution governed by religious and civil authorities .
The evolution of marriage does make me realise that it was more of a strategy than something to be based on a fragile emotion —love.
The idea of marriage as a sexually exclusive, romantic union between one man and one woman is a relatively recent development. It was only towards the 17th and 18th century — Industrial Revolution and the growth of the middle class augmented the trend of marrying for love rather than wealth or status.
Progressive reforms to law and order, healthcare and opening up of the World economy enabled the society to view marriage primarily as a personal contract between two equals seeking love, stability, and happiness.
Millennial ideologies suggest that marriage has now become a ‘capstone’ instead of ‘cornerstone’ of their life. Millennials planning to tie the knot fail to answer the following three questions , which in my view forms the foundation of any marriage:
The answers to these questions are majorly guided by society norms, family tradition, family lineage, class and caste. Taking life decisions on auto pilot mode with archaic filters has acted as a hindrance to flipping the switch on ability
How many of us are aware of them term — Inter-abled relationships
Well, before you point fingers at me for creating random terms , let me introduce you to a not so alien concept. It defines relationships where one of the partners has a disability — physical or intellectual.
The society is yet to evolve and develop an open culture where it is considered acceptable for persons with disabilities (PwD) to enter into a ‘normal’ romantic relationship. A person accompanying a PwD is automatically assumed to be a nurse, therapist , family or immediate caregiver.
A person with disabilities is met with pity and a barrage of comments questioning his/her future , dependency for daily functioning and of course prayers that wish that he/she need not suffer anymore. Moreover in the eyes of the society they are not viewed as someone who could be “strong” or a “reliable” provider.
On the other hand an abled-bodied/neuro typical person is met with a quick, emotional response filled with sympathy, pity, judgment. People also crown them as a saint for selflessly choosing a disabled person as his/her spouse.
In India, State Governments had introduced monetary schemes sometime back in 2018 to promote the idea of inter-abled marriages. I would like to quote the objective of this scheme as per the circular before I can express my disbelief
Objective : Incentive for the marriage between Persons with Disability (PWD) and other persons irrespective of category of disability so as to mainstream the Persons with Disabilities in the Society and enable them to lead a normal and dignified life and also to encourage the person to marry the persons with disability
As a sibling of an intellectually disabled young woman , I can sense how this scheme is the starting point of many wrongs. It is a trigger for a PwD to question their abilities , their self esteem and self respect. It is a trigger to build greed in the society not love , happiness or stability. It is a trigger for domestic violence , violation of human rights, violation of women’s rights and for sexual abuse.
The objective of the scheme is a classic oxymoron. “Dignity” was thrown in the well when the government promised a monetary sum ranging from ₹20,000- ₹1,00,000 approximately to an able-bodied person to marry a PwD.
Is marrying an able-bodied/neuro-typical person the only way a PwD can lead — “ Normal and dignified life” ?
If not in my country I could finally transcend boundaries to understand the journey of an inter-abled couple: Shane Burcaw and Hannah Aylward . Their YouTube channel gives a sneak peek into life as an “inter-abled” couple.
Shane was born with Spinal Muscular Atrophy. The couple raises awareness about relationships and disability by sharing their “Six Things To Know About Interabled Relationships.” I am quoting a few for my readers.
They are a couple
Hannah and Shane are a couple. Shane says people assume that Hannah is his nurse, mom, sister or even babysitter. “Because of the widespread and deeply-ingrained misconceptions about disability, people tend to see me as a child, or as someone who could not possibly be involved in a romantic relationship,”
They are not special
Shane writes, “…people with disabilities are in fact still human, with emotional wants and needs like everyone else!”
They can have children
Many individuals assume that Hannah and Shane cannot have children. This is untrue. Unless Hannah is the carrier of the traits that cause spinal muscular atrophy, their children will not be born with the disease.
They care for each other
Shane says that the fact that Hannah physically cares for him gives them a chance “to connect and discuss (their) days.” Shane states he may not be able to perform physical tasks, but he helps in other ways. Shane manages finances and calendars, schedules appointments, answers business calls, and emails and adds to the shopping list.
“We both perform equal physical and emotional duties to support each other.”
They love to travel
Both Shane and Hannah love to explore the world, so much that Hannah decided to design a special car seat to make air travel easier for Shane.
Hannah’s parents had no reservations when it came to their daughter dating and marrying a person with disability. Shane’s and Hannah’s relationship is just as fulfilling as any other.
You may have realised by now why I stressed upon answering the questions around — Why do you want to marry, How do you see your marriage evolve and Who do you want to marry
If you want to marry for a promise of togetherness, sexual intimacy and acceptance of each other by not compromising your individuality — remember a PwD is not weighing you down or acting as a hindrance but the thoughts of society , family , culture , tradition is what leaves you disabled.
If you want a relationship that evolves without any discrimination , prejudice and one that fosters equal opportunities, constant communication and full participation — remember a PwD is not weighing you down although there are limitations to what your partner can do but that does not mean they are not equal partners in the relationship.
Disability or the diagnosis does not define the person. Disabled people are worthy partners. Care-giving for a PwD does not define the relationship or is not the sole motive behind being in a relationship with a PwD . Care-giving is pretty much a part of the routine of an inter-abled couple.
As millennials when you make the choice of whom to settle down with I urge you all to give it a thought
How many of you will be comfortable to marry a person with disability?
