Making Old Friends
I don’t love the song “You Can’t Make Old Friends” sung by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton; it’s a little overly sentimental and a bit repetitive. But the pithy title has stuck with me and made me think from the moment I heard it.
The Magical Formula for Happiness
The longest study in human happiness, the Harvard Study of Adult Development, has tracked a cohort of Harvard students for over 85 years now (though I assume most of the original participants are dead now). It has shown perennially that the one factor beats every other variable as the chief predictor of happiness was not any of the usual suspects. Fame, power, money, intelligence, and physical health had nothing on the one measure that came up year after year at the top: “social fitness” or the health of the participants’ social relationships.
Yet friendship is on the decline, under attack some might say. One in eight Americans have zero close friends, one in three have fewer than three. This is a substantial jump over the last couple decades. There’s a lot that’s been written about this topic, such as Scott Galloway’s excellent post and talk where I got these stats, so I’ll spare you the digression.
“Friends for life” has a new meaning.
But check out Ruth Schwartz, Lorraine Pirrello and Edith “Mitzie” Moscou — three friends who were born within days of each other in Manhattan and turned 100 years old together. A video of them together.
And on the other side of the tracks, Leona Barnes, Gladys Butler, Ruth Hammett and Bernice Underwood — four friends who were born months apart in the same poor black neighborhood in Washington DC and were friends for 100 years. Sharing a deep faith in Christ, they went through half a dozen (US) wars, nearly a dozen US Constitutional amendments, over a dozen (18) US Presidents, the life and death of spouses, kids, grandkids, great grandkids, and great great grandkids. Imagine the number of births, weddings, and funerals they must been through together.
And these two friends have been friends for a paltry 94 years; they reflect on today’s culture with Steve Harvey which is pretty funny.
Forget the 0.1%, Go with the 0.0000057%
We hear a lot about the glamorous lives of the 0.1%. But dying with the most toys truly does not seem remotely as appealing as living a long, healthy life with close family and friends nearby.
Starting with “long,” the UN estimates that there were around 593,000 people who were 100 years old or older in 2022. With 7.951 billion people in total that year, centenarians were just 0.0075% of the world’s population. If you go up a decade, estimates are that there are 300–450 people 110 years old or older, or “supercentenarians.” That is 0.0000057% of the world’s population. 10 years gets you three more zeros.
Social media gets us enamored with (and annoyed at) the 0.1%. But they have nothing on the 0.0075%, or the 0.0000057% for that matter, especially those who have lifelong friends, a yet smaller percentage.
BTW, the wisdom some of these longevity superstars have is gold.
Just to live to 100 puts each of the friends mentioned above into a fairly small subset of people on this planet. And then to be able to share such a long life together is just wondrous, not to mention to do it with two or even three other people.
These relationships just seem extraordinary. A rare gift that an exceptionally few get to enjoy, especially these days. Perhaps, but I don’t think it has to be this way if one is intentional about finding, cherishing, and actively deepening friendships throughout life. Maybe the odds are there to be beaten, and the norms to be redefined. We can’t choose the families we are born into but we can definitely choose our friends.
Readings for the Next 50 Years
I turned fifty last year and another year around the sun is coming up. If I have the gift of living another fifty years, I would want to do it living next to family and friends I care about for as much of that time as possible.
I used to read self-help books a lot when I was younger until I realized how bad they usually were. Like most business books, the thesis often really didn’t need a whole book to convey; a pamphlet would have been fine. And health books are the worst. They are often too religious and not based on enough empirical data to be convincing, or worse, commiting the cardinal sin of preaching individual applicability of epidemiological results, especially for nutrition. But I got around to reading these books* recently and really liked them. Got me thinking about life for the next half century and how to update my strategy for how to live and who to do it with. Definitely worth the read; suggest skimming through the Audible edition first and then combing through a hardcover edition afterward:
- Read How to Know a Person:The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen by David Brooks and learn how to be a better friend. I’m guessing this is how you get to have and keep lifelong friends. These are life skills that should should be required learning starting in every elementary school, and yet so few of us are good at them. I wish I knew what it meant to be an “illuminator” and started developing the skills to be one earlier in life. I’m ashamed that I didn’t start working on these skills earlier in life, especially for someone who prides himself as valuing relationships above all else. Getting started now — better late than never. Math is important, but being able to see people fully, to know them deeply, and to not judge is a profound super power. A must read.
- Read Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity by Dr. Peter Attia and die young and happy…at a ripe old age. Live and be strong past 100 with your friends, outlive those who aren’t, and beat the odds. When it comes to health, I think one should drop the religion and follow the science, and Attia is a great start. I love how he talks not just about maximizing lifespan and healthspan (number of years lived in reasonably good health), but also being happy while doing so, because what’s the point of living long and well, if you’re not happy? The other must read.
- Read The Lost Art of Dying: Reviving Forgotten Wisdom by Dr. L. S. Dugdale and meditate on what it means to die well, and how to live well in order to do so. The title sounds morbid at first sight but the book is full of light and hope for a topic that is guaranteed to affect everyone (yes, even more so than taxes). In addition to being an expert in medical ethics and a medical school professor, Dugdale is an amazing writer and eloquently discusses a complex topic that rarely gets any dinner table conversation coverage (death). Strong thumbs up, must read.
- Read The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center by Rhaina Cohen and rethink what friendship could be. Amazing stories of lives of mutual commitment across time, space, and traditional boundaries. Platonic lifelong partnerships where the term “best friends” feels like a downgrade. Loved it. Honorable mention.
- Read Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It’s Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature by Peter Scazzero and upgrade your conception of the spiritual — emotional health interface and craft a rule of life. This is written mostly for a Christian audience, but if you can bear with the reasonably minimal Christianese, then you’ll discover some golden nuggets. Like establishing the regular practice of a sabbath which Jews have treasured for thousands of years. Or the practice of silence and listening. Even if you’re a hard core materialist / atheist / etc. and equate anything spiritual with imaginary friends / Casper / astrology, I think there is wisdom that is useful. Excellent read. Honorable mention.
You Can’t Make Old Friends
In case you missed it, the (abridged) lyrics go like this:
What will I do when you are gone?
Who’s gonna tell me the truth?
Who’s gonna finish the stories I start
The way you always do?
When somebody knocks at the door
Someone new walks in
I will smile and shake their hands
But you can’t make old friends
How will I sing when you are gone?
Cause it won’t sound the same
Who will join in on those harmony parts
When I call your name?
You can’t make old friends
Can’t make old friends
It was you and me, since way back when
But you can’t make old friends
But You Can
The reductive nature of aphorisms and lyrics is probably both a necessity and an annoyance. In this case, maybe the saying is just false, because maybe you can make old friends. You just have to start now.
Cherish the friends you have and be open to new friends — real friends, not just the strategic kind that’s common later in life. But first learn to be the friend you wish you could have. Then live so you’re able to get old (harder to have old friends if you don’t live long), and that starts with getting your health in order now, no matter where you are in your life and health journey. Start by putting down the phone. Andy Crouch has a couple of excellent books on this here and here. He also puts a strong emphasis on the power of community:
“How can we become the kind of people who have wisdom and courage?
The only way to do it is with other people. We need people who know us
and the complexities and difficulties of our lives really well…we need people who love us — who are unreservedly and unconditionally committed to us, our flourishing, and our growth no matter what we do…If you don’t have people in your life who know you and love you in that radical way, it is very, very unlikely you will develop either wisdom or courage. You may become smart, you might even become successful, but it is very unlikely you will have a deep enough understanding of yourself and your complex calling to actually become either wise or courageous. We just are too good at deceiving ourselves and think too highly of ourselves.”
Good stuff. So play fewer video games, watch less sports (by yourself), read the news less (if it’s important, you’ll hear about it soon enough), and Netflix binge less. And definitely stop doomscrolling through social media, watching porn (a public health crisis?), and making excuses, and get out and be a friend. No one ever regretted eliminating these from their lives. I can’t imagine anyone at the end of life ever regretting spending too much time with their friends and family.
Try These
If you are among the few who get to live with or near all of your close friends and family, then please skip this section. But for the majority of us who don’t have that luxury, here are some suggestions that have worked for me:
Prearrange regular video calls ahead of time. I usually set it up for quarterly, triennial, or biannual frequency, more than that gets intense, less than that you lose momentum. As the date approaches for the call, if either side needs to shift it out or forward a day or two, no big deal. At least we don’t forget about it. Can be a group of people, not just 1–1.
Vacation together. Hard to do when either or both sides have kids. But I’ve found that if you don’t give up, over time, overlaps come up. A group of my friends and family share our holiday and travel calendar as a Google Spreadsheet to each other to encourage these overlaps.
Add visits to friends on top of work trips. Easiest when people live in airline hub cities.
Read books together.
Do retreats together. As I’m writing this, I’m gearing up for a language retreat where I’m going to hole up with a fellow language nerd friend and we’re going to study French and Arabic for four days in London. Early birthday gift to ourselves. Of course, it can be anything — golf, Comic-Con, silence with Trappists, Ironman, doing the Camino, etc.
Do more reunions. Do it for more groups (high school, college, church, work, etc.) and do it more often (not just every 10 years). Doesn’t have to be huge and complicated. No one’s going to care about the hors d’oeuvres. Make it hybrid by default so people can join virutally if they really have to. I just leave a laptop on Zoom open.
By the way, if you do have the chance to live with or near your friends, why not?! Cohen, in her book mentioned above, shares about some incredible real life (with real names) friendships where people do just this, some over decades of life together. Crouch shares some stories like Cohen’s in his books mentioned earlier too. They sound like some of the best relationships I’ve ever heard of, the kind that I think most of us would love to have if we could.
Blessings to You
May you live long, be strong, live in community, keep the faith, and die well. May you have a contented life lived alongside dear family and friends, doing the things that you love, for many decades to come. And if you get to die first, it’ll be a great mercy since you’ll be surrounded by those who love you.
*I’m a bit apprehensive about books that have accompanying workbooks; feels like a production from the self-help Costco book industrial complex. Sorry, the first two and the last one mentioned have accompanying workbooks. But these books are sufficiently dense and filled with enough concrete, practical suggestions that it’s understandable to have these aids.
