Remembering Who You Were
Surviving The First Six Months as a Working Mom
I vividly remember walking in the front door of our San Francisco apartment when we got home from the hospital with our new baby boy. I had bought flowers two weeks prior, the long-blooming kind, in an effort to brighten up our home when we returned. At the time, I didn’t know that the next 11 days would be the kind you remember in slow-motion, as if the days weighed more than other days.
My husband had watched as a team of doctors descended on our son when it was clear he couldn’t breathe on his own immediately after birth, the ominous countdown of seconds audible as emergency procedures unfolded. He bravely told me “I’ll tell you another time” when I asked what was happening. He must have been aware that my Dilaudid induced fog and exhaustion would shield me from understanding why he was whisked off to the NICU.
Nothing can prepare you for having a baby in the NICU. The baby in the bay next to ours didn’t survive, and we listened, clinging to our own recovering son, as his parents read baby books to him before taking him off life support. A week later and in shock, we carried our now-healthy 8-day old boy into our apartment and the flowers were still there, blooming. They couldn’t possibly be the same ones, I thought. Nothing was the same. I knew we were going to be okay, but inside, I was grappling with two tidal waves crashing into each other. One wave was the enormous gratitude I had for having a healthy baby, the other was a grief-wave, bringing with it the new reality that my prior life was over, and I was a new person.
The downside of waiting so long to have children is that you become highly accustomed to life without kids. A month before the birth of my son, I had been the person I always wanted to be. Twelve years of professional experience and an MBA from the top school in the country had earned me a coveted job at SOSV, a seed-stage venture capital firm in San Francisco. I worked really hard, often at night or early in the morning, and proudly responded to emails on weekends to prove my allegiance. I had worked for years to create this version of myself. Despite my career success, I was completely unprepared for this next chapter.
Within the life cycle of a bunch of flowers, the carefree jet-setter in me had been benched. I was now Kate, the mom, who was being ransacked by these tidal waves and for once couldn’t control a thing about it. Every mother experiences these feelings to some degree. Having a baby is absolutely nothing like it looks in the movies, even if everything goes right. My circle of high-achieving Wonder Woman friends had mostly horror stories: unplanned C-sections and tumultuous subsequent recoveries, crippling postpartum depression and anxiety, sleepless nights, guilt-laden trouble with feeding. I have yet to meet a mother who has said “it’s been easier than I thought it would be.” (Note to all: social media is a highlight reel of lies).
Despite the universal presence of these seismic shifts, nobody prepares you for your own rebirth as an entirely new person. There has been an uptick in coverage on this transformation (which is apparently called “matrescence”), and this goes a long way in de-stigmatizing the fact that it’s hard (good articles here and here). But for most of us, entering life with a baby is like jumping off a cliff, somehow surviving, then climbing up a nearby hill and starting a new (wonderful/different) life.
So here I am, one month into coming back to work, and I recently texted my husband saying I finally felt like myself again. I’ve been trying to identify the catalyst of this re-awakening, but the truth is that it’s not one thing, but a progression of actions and practices that have made every day easier than the one before it. I’ve split these bits of advice up into two categories: “Surviving the First Months” and “Going Back to Work”. Acknowledging that every woman’s path is different, these are the tactics that worked for me.
Surviving the First Months
Accept help from everyone: I pictured the first week of having a baby as a beautiful, sanct time, just the three of us, nesting as a family. HA! Turns out, the first week home is a circus- and you’ll be grateful for any warm body that is willing to hold the baby while you shower/nap/cry. Say “yes” to any family member or semi-responsible human who wants to help. Don’t be afraid to ask friends for food delivery. People love helping families with new babies.
Develop a routine: The chaos of a newborn gave me very real anxiety, especially after leaving an orderly, mostly predictable job. Developing a routine helped the fog lift. At first, that meant an early morning walk to Starbucks with the baby in a Bjorn carrier followed by sitting in the park. Months later, this evolved into stroller walks with friends, afternoon errands or naps at home. I grew to love our routine and it made the transition back to work easier on all of us.
Learn to use your tools: Just like learning a new skill at work, spend time learning to use your baby gear. Skip the instruction manuals and just watch YouTube tutorials. Don’t just assemble your stroller, practice folding it up and buckling the safety harnesses. Also get good at using your baby carriers- it’s harder to learn with a real baby, and these are your tickets out into the real world!
Find other moms: It’s hard to explain the importance of being around other new moms who are in the same boat: just know that it’s critical. I learned about fun things to do with the baby (swimming lessons! Baby-friendly movie theaters!) and felt okay talking about how scary my son’s birth was. Yoga and Pilates studios often have mom’s circles. I found my group on Facebook via a simple search for neighborhood parenting groups.
Don’t stress about your partner going back to work: My husband was able to spend a month at home after our son was born. I was terrified of him going back. But once he did, it was empowering to know that my son’s days were up to me. We dove deeper into making a routine that worked for us and had plenty of bonding time. Suddenly, you’re the expert of this baby and you feel like a pro.
Know that it’s all short term: I googled “when does it get easier” nightly for the first few weeks of my baby’s life. And then suddenly, it was easier. The progress came in 4s: at 4 weeks, we knew what we were doing as parents. At 8 weeks, he was sleeping longer stretches and our days began to normalize. At 12 weeks, we had a real, fun routine and everything seemed better. It’s hard to see progress when you’re in the trenches, but I promise, every day gets better.
I know what you’re thinking: it finally gets fun and your maternity leave is OVER. Yes, it’s hard, but many moms I know agree that the anticipation of going back to work is worse than actually going back. Here are some tips to survive the next phase.
Going Back to Work
Don’t pretend it’s not hard: It’s okay to ask your nanny or daycare to send you lots of pictures. It’s okay to cry in the bathroom. It’s okay to tell people that it’s bittersweet to be back. It’s okay to leave early (if you can) the first week back to spend more time with your baby. Whatever you are doing is okay. Lean into it.
Do some things for yourself: If you and your partner are both working full-time, you will finally have some real time for yourself. For most of the week, your baby is in the caring hands of someone else. Indulge for once: meet friends for lunch, sneak away for a massage, spend 30 minutes drinking coffee and reading the news. Your baby is not sleeping in the next room, and there is real freedom in that.
Talk about your baby at work: A lot of your colleagues probably have kids, too, and now you have something major in common with them. I found the more I talked to other new parents at work the easier it was to acclimate. You thought complaining about a bad manager or client was fun — — wait until you start swapping stories about babies!
Say no to things: Don’t agree to take on tasks that no longer fit into your new life. In my experience, the best managers are the best delegators. Decline meetings that go too late or start too early, and don’t apologize. Everyone will get used to it and the world will keep spinning.
Remember who you were: Remember that badass woman you were before you had the baby? You’re the same person, but now you’ve created another human with your body. If you can do that, you can do anything. I found that since having a baby I am less nervous going into big meetings and speaking in front of large groups. Because I’m not only a badass, I’m a badass who can replicate. I am a different person, but I think this version is much more exciting.
Kate runs the HAX accelerator in San Francisco, CA. HAX is the world’s first and most prolific accelerator for hardware and connected devices, with offices in San Francisco and Shenzhen, China. HAX is a program of SOSV, a global venture capital firm with over $400M in assets under management.
