Can Childbirth Be A Malevolent Act?
Babies are a huge deal
The Bible tells us to “Be Fruitful and Multiply.” Mother’s and Father’s Day advertisements flood our screens every May, showing chubby-cheeked babies being loved on and smearing themselves with Gerber pudding.
The buzz phrase “Baby Fever” has taken social media platforms by storm. The world pushes you and pushes you to want and desire children, with promises of self-fulfillment, the establishment of a legacy, companionship, the joys of parenthood, and so many other perks of childbirth wrapped up in a pretty bow.
The thing is, having a child isn’t pretty. Neither is it something you should do to fulfill some emotional void or desire within yourself. My view of childbirth is this:
If your child is going to wake up one day and wish they hadn’t been born into this godforsaken world, then you have probably done something gravely wrong.
Let me explain.
I have firsthand experience of how people carelessly have children only because they can. Not because they want to, but because it just happens.
Granted, there is an inherent biological proclivity to want to procreate (although this hypothesis has been debunked a few times).
It can be purely biological to want to pass on your legacy and genetic material to the next generation/your progeny. After all, no random giraffe in the savannah is thinking about Plan B or family planning whilst mating with their companions.
If other animals can mate carelessly and welcome the incoming of children with the casual nonchalance of “what will be will be,” then we can take that approach as well, right?
Wrong.
If the overall state of our world isn’t enough indication, all you have to do is look around you and I guarantee you will find at least one f***ed up person who is that way because of the kind of parents they had.
If that person isn’t you, of course.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to create a family, but are we prepared for it? Are we willing to screw up a precious life all in the sake of having a living, breathing manifestation of our legacy?
This is not me saying that parents have to be perfect. It’s quite on the contrary. I have found that parents who are open enough to be vulnerable to their children, and give their kids the safe space to realize that parents make mistakes as well, end up raising thoughtful, empathetic, and well-balanced members of our society.
This is a much better dynamic than ruthlessly deifying oneself in their children’s eyes only for said children to grow up and have a total shift of perspective.
A rude awakening.
It is normal to want to give and receive unconditional love from someone who is literally a part of you. It is also a nice sentiment to want your future children to experience this beautiful thing called life. This essay is not anti-natalist. Life is wonderful to be a part of.
But it can also be painful.
In being alive, and having the option to experience love and joy, you must also make yourself susceptible to pain and suffering, whether it be from betrayal from a loved one, grief from loss of life, loss of material possessions, and all the other wonderful problems we encounter on a daily basis.
Many parents do not consciously consider these factors before having children.
This does not mean that you have to eradicate world hunger and cure AIDS before you have children of your own. It means you should take a good, hard look at your surroundings (economical, physical, and otherwise) as well as inwardly at your emotional and mental state.
The requirement is not that these aspects should be pristine, but that the current state of things should be conducive enough so that the insertion of a new human life into these circumstances does not cause more pain than can be handled.
My stance on this issue stems from growing up within the western part of continental Africa, where women are seen as less than if they do not have at least half a baby in certain cultures.
We really should not have children to fulfill societal pressures and expectations. Of course, this is easier said than done in such cultures. Many people have children to gain access to certain things. This could be respect, trustworthiness, or something even as tangible as a business venture.
In the US, you get tax benefits when you have children…talk about a good deal!
A more personal take on things.
I grew up as the first-born child, so part of why I am hesitant in having children (at least before I turn 30), is because of my hands-on experience with siblings and numerous cousins while they were young. I need a decade-long break from all that diaper changing.
I have also seen how the presence of children affects certain people. They appear stressed, and some have even expressed to me how unhappy they are.
But, childbearing is not an entirely bad notion, as I have also seen people who seem to have the whole parenting thing all figured out.
It is worth mentioning, the impetus of why many governments promote and reward people for having children. Amongst many positive reasons, there is a more insidious one of having a continuous source of laborers for this capitalist system.
Who is going to work to sustain the system if women are not churning out babies?
In the case of many African countries, how will the leaders manipulate the youth into doing their dirty work and perpetuating their agendas, if African women are not having babies amidst a well of poverty?
In lower-income countries, there is a twisted, albeit woeful notion that having more children means that one of them will eventually take the entire family out of poverty. The irony is that this rarely happens and even if it does, concepts like the Black Tax do not allow families to accumulate generational wealth.
Most times, the opposite happens, in which having multiple children increases the poverty rate.
There is also something to be said about the generational trauma passed down to children whose emotional needs were not properly nurtured when they entered this world.
Epigenetic studies have shown that some mental health issues can be passed down genetically. This is not an issue to be dismissed.
I must acknowledge the privileged stance from which I speak. In many parts of the world, all these ideas that I have outlined here are not remotely considered by parents simply because they do not know any better, or because things have always worked like that in their communities.
For us who do know better or are learning as we go, this is a call to action to think deeply before making the grand and wondrous decision to bring new life into fruition.
This is not an article telling you what to do. Rather, it is saying that we should be mindful when we are making such a big choice.
When having a child, you are not doing something for yourself, but the child to be.
“What types of humans do we want to raise? What do we want our children to think of us when they grow up? Is the environment conducive for them? Are you in the right frame of mind to raise a child? Will your children likely need therapy when they are adults due to traumatic experiences gleaned from you?” — Quote by Author.
The world would be a much better place if most parents asked this of themselves.
This is a partial rant at some aspects of my (and countless others’) childhoods, where I wished some things had happened differently. Believe it or not, I do have slightly mixed feelings about this topic because while certain aspects of my childhood were difficult, people often tell me that I am one of the most resilient people they know.
Could this be the result of an arduous childhood journey? Perhaps, that is one silver lining to consider.
This is a very thought-provoking topic for me, and I am excited to hear your input on it. I appreciate you reading my article. As always, stay kind and curious. ❤
