What 2018 Taught Me as a Single Parent
It was at the beginning of 2018, that I first started writing about my journey as a single parent. The year has been an eventful one so far… And, here we are, already at the end of it, ready to bring in the New Year.
Before the year ends, I’d like to quickly recap a few key insights from the last year… These were gleaned from my own writings, and from the many readers I’ve interacted with over the past few months, who have candidly shared their journeys as single parents.
Here are my top 7 takeaways from the year that was…
1. We all have similar issues
My several interactions with single parents, and a short survey conducted by us, revealed that almost every third single parent is either separated or divorced, and mostly because of similar reasons like infidelity, money problems, joint family demands, falling out of love, living in different cities, demanding careers etc.
These situations are thus not unique to you alone, but are faced by many. Thus, there is no need to go on a guilt trip, and feel you are being punished. Or, that you are the only one in the world facing such an issue, and at the centre of it all…
These thoughts will only add to your problems and make you feel more depressed. Simply look at the life event as a learning curve, as something that will eventually turn out for the best… The pain and isolation you feel initially are temporary, and will pass in due time.
So don’t beat yourself about it… Instead, reach out to those in similar situations, and try to support them in any way you can. This will bring compassion into your life, and help you focus on the other, instead of wallowing in your own misery.
For me, writing became an important tool to reach out to other single parents. As it helped me make sense of the situation, it also helped reflect the sentiments of others, who now no longer feel they are in it alone.
2. Don’t play the victim card
It’s not cool to gather sympathy from others, or to make yourself feel better by falsely boosting your ego (read, bad-mouthing your ex). Such tactics will only leave you feeling more insecure and isolated as a single parent. Because, no one wants to be at the receiving end of anything toxic and negative.
Instead, work on yourself, it’s the best way to get a handle on things. The more equipped you are emotionally, physically, mentally and financially, the smoother will your life be. As you gain more clarity, life will happen effortlessly, without any friction, because you are now not dependent on anything external.
Thus, work instead on inculcating qualities of humility and learning… Try to understand what mistakes you may have made in your last marriage, and how you can work on those aspects to become a better human being. By holding a grudge against your ex, you are only killing yourself slowly with anger and hate.
3. Don’t take life too seriously
At the end of the day, life is joyous play, and hence there is no need to be too harsh on yourself. Don’t crucify yourself for a failed marriage…work instead on taking stock of what is, and improving the current situation. Think of how you can minimise the mistakes made in the past, and create a brighter present, for both you and the child.
Work on straightening yourself out, instead of straightening out the world. Life’s is too short, so move quickly toward building a happier future for yourself… Simply focus on what makes you happy, instead of worrying about what ‘could have been’.
Also, work on getting rid of excessive emotion, and try calming the mind from constant thoughts and worries…as they will only hold you back, and prevent you from coming to terms with the situation, and finding a resolution to it.
4. It is not the end of the road…
A divorce or separation does not mean the end of your life; it may just mean the beginning of a new life ahead of you.
It does feel like a dramatic change at the start, but all change is disruptive…and also essential to experience life. Everyone experiences change in some way or the other…for some it may be loss of a relationship, while for some, it may be loss of health or wealth.
Most importantly, all change helps us grow… It takes us out of our ruts, throws new challenges at us, tests our will power and ability to deal with the situation, and eventually helps us transform into a better version of ourselves. Thus, if we have enough equanimity and clarity, we will only come out wiser, and more responsible from the experience.
5. Let go of the past
Don’t get stuck in thoughts of your past marriage, and stop looking over your shoulder. The only way to grow is to stay rooted in the present moment, and ensure you can make each moment a precious one for you and your child.
Worrying about the future is also of no use…it will create unnecessary anxiety. Instead, help your child feel good about the present, and aspire for more.
More importantly, help your children grow with healthy emotions, without them feeling stuck to you and your insecurities. Teach them to become more responsible and contribute to the world around in the best way they can.
6. Move from ordinary to extraordinary
Use this event to transform your life with all the necessary tools you find…Don’t overrate the situation or undervalue it, simply accept it for what it is, and work toward growing through it.
Sometimes life events are a blessing in disguise, they may initially shake you up, but eventually help you get your act together, and propel you forward, dissolving your personality and helping you create a new environment…changes that were, perhaps, long overdue.
So, use the opportunity to understand how the life event is asking you to change, and how you can grow beyond your comfort zone.
7. Your life is your making
End the blame game once and for all. Accept the situation fully and acknowledge your role in it. You are the only one responsible for what happens to your life. No one can do anything to you unless you let them…
So, start looking at life from a different perspective, not logically, but with clarity of thought, accepting everything it brings you. You never know what curve ball life throws at you, but you should become adept at dealing with the situation sensibly, and with grace.
The approach then is to become wiser as an individual, and to be able to turn every problem into a solution…to be able to convert any filth coming your way into beautiful fragrance.
So, take full responsibility for your actions, and live your present more consciously… It is, undoubtedly, the only way to experience a more joyful life!
On that note, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year…filled with lots of love, joy, and compassion. It has indeed been an eventful year for me…my divorce finally came through after a three-and-half-year separation period.
In the coming year, I begin a new chapter, which will perhaps be the biggest test of my resilience and wisdom…To not know what the future holds, but to still live in the present with awareness, will be my constant endeavour…
Needless to mention, I will keep sharing the adventures of my various life experiences to help us all decode the depth of being human…Because, I do firmly believe that — Every experience is a great story!
Before you go, don’t forget to applaud the story if you like it, share it on your social media networks, or follow Soul Dads for more.
