A Father-Daughter Trip That Unravelled Many Things
Ever since my separation with my wife, life has thrown several curve balls my way. Just when I begin to feel settled, something comes up, and unsettles me once again. In a way, this shakes me up, and takes me out of my comfort zone…all the experiences have eventually helped me grow more, as a parent and individual.
Once such experience was when my daughter and I recently attended a children and parents’ activity camp at Auroville, Pondicherry. Auroville is a community living center spread out on many acres of land, with nothing but beautiful tress on either side, if you ride through it on a scooty.
The camp consisted of several activities and workshops, from martial arts to Tai Chi and mediation. We also indulged in tasty organic meals, walked through the jungle, visited tree houses, enjoyed a ‘sound bath’, visited the Aurobindo ashram and school, and walked through the streets of the old city which still has strong European influences.
While doing some of the many activities organized by our gracious host, we got the chance to come together as a family, and gain more insight on the father-daughter dynamics. Many of the situations we were put in helped us get out of our comfort zone and learn more…
For me, in particular, I realized how much more work needs to be done as a parent first, and then to be a better friend to my daughter.
Here are my 5 key takeaways from the camp…
1. You can get over the fear of the unknown together
This was the first time I rode an electric scooter. Initially I was hesitant to even try, but once I got on it, I rode it like a pro, with my daughter behind me. The fear of riding was a preconceived one, as I had never tried it before. The joy on my daughter’s face was irreplaceable, as she rode behind me, and watched me get over my fear.
There were similar instances of my daughter going up a tree, even though she was scared. But we stood by each other, and together we overcame our fears. When she finally climbed up the tree, she came down the rope with no fear at all…but with complete joy.
As a parent, I realized how we are mirrors to our children… Thus, if we show no fear, they will feel fearless too, and take on new challenges.
2. Your likes and dislikes are your bondages
As father and daughter tried out different activities, we realized that we did not like doing the same things. I, for one, had many preset ideas about what I liked and disliked, and those preconceived notions needed working on. So I started working on activities I didn’t understand too, like making a musical instrument — a flute — with my daughter to see its final result. To my surprise, it was an absolute delight!
Getting over just one dislike can help you open up a variety of possibilities, to explore and enjoy.
3. Do what you do with absolute involvement
This was key…the minute I put my absolute focus on activities I was doing, like playing Frisbee, or climbing up the tree, I enjoyed them much more, and got good at them too. I did the activities I liked with 100% involvement, but for the activities I didn’t like, I began putting 200% involvement in them…
In the case of martial arts, I realized my body and mind needed more work, and hence I got more involved. The deeper I went, the better I got, breaking my fears, and enhancing my skill. When my daughter saw me give my all to an activity, she too did the same, and starting enjoying all the activities, even the ones she didn’t like.
Getting absolutely involved in every life activity, rather than avoiding it, will only enhance our life, and make it more profound and beautiful.
4. Work on yourself first
I realized I needed to be more sensitive toward others feeling and needs, and even overcome my own desires, as they only arise depending on the situation. When I let go of my expectations of others, it is only then that I will understand that people respond in ways best suited to them, and the situation at the time.
Thus, instead of working on others, I decided to work on myself, and let external situations fall into place naturally. This was an unknown terrain for my daughter and me… We were meeting new people for the first time. There were times when both of us felt left out, but I did not protect my daughter or myself from the situation. I tried to internalize what was happening, and accepted whatever came my way. Situations are not in your control, but how you respond to them are! This approach eventually made me more forgiving, and considerate to others.
My daughter too didn’t let the incidents affect her too much. Initially, we were both affected, but we tried to understand our own shortcomings first by talking it out. We also discussed the matter with the others involved, and this helped us resolve it more easily.
At the start, all situations feel very big, but when you reflect on them, they become small issues, that can be used to reflect on your shortcomings, and correct them.
5. Know your child a little more each day
My daughter and I are normally in familiar surroundings with familiar people. Thus, when we were put in a new place with new people, we understood how much more work needed to be done, individually, and together as parent and child. In an activity we did, called physiological clowning, we discussed what we needed to talk to our loved ones about, what we desired form each other, and what we wished to do to strengthen our relationship, and support each other more.
Through this process, I realized my daughter was missing the warm hugs and affection of her mother… As a father she adored me, but the mother’s absence was palpable. I have realized this over the years, and even more so now, as she is growing up. I am now more receptive to her feelings when she acts up, as I know it’s due to the mother’s absence
To understand your child better, put yourself in his/her shoes, and gauge what the child could be feeling or missing at that point in time… Try doing what you can, but understand you have limitations too!
The camp was a great learning for both my daughter and I. It gave me more clarity and focus to take on whatever comes my way in the New Year and in life. Meeting new people, and being in a new place, helped break my limitations of body and mind, and discover an inner me, that was hidden for so long.
As we continue to deal with our uncertainties, fears and limitations, let’s introspect a bit more on how we can realize our true life potential. This approach will help us bravely break out of our comfort zone, and face situations with equanimity and grace.
Life and parenting are to be enjoyed to the fullest, so let nothing come in its way, and let’s keep cherishing these moments, and sharing them, to make them more special.
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