Will I Ever Be Ready To Date Again?
Post my separation with my wife, I went through several phases… from anger and denial, to acceptance and surrender. After much work, today I’ve finally reached a stage of equanimity and emotional balance.
The emotional journey post separation was a tumultuous one, but a learning curve nonetheless. As I groped in the dark, and coped with my limitations and strengths as a single parent, I forgot one important factor that spices up life — romance.
Perhaps I was not ready for it. Perhaps there were too many complications raising a child alone. Perhaps I needed emotional healing before I could go out and date.
Whatever the reason, the fact is I haven’t dated anyone since the past three years of being separated. And here’s why…
Initially, when my wife left, I was so consumed with rage, that the last thing on my mind was to find a date.
In fact, I was almost in hate mode for the opposite sex; being with another woman felt repulsive. I was projecting the anger and distrust that I felt toward my wife on other women as well.
As I started getting a grip on my emotions — with the help of spiritual discourses, meditation and yoga — I slowly let go of the anger within me. Guilt also set in occasionally, reminding me that perhaps the separation was my fault too, and I couldn’t only blame my wife for it.
I started to introspect on why it could have gone wrong. I also tried to get to the root of why human beings need relationships, and how they help us grow. This made me question if I wanted to start another relationship, and get back into the dating game once again.
I have dated enough in my younger days. Though, of course, now I am at a more mature stage in my life where I understand better what I want from a relationship… But something still holds me back. And I ask myself, why is it that I cannot bring myself to date once again?
Here are some realizations that set in after much thought…
Too busy raising a child!
In the early days of separation, the fear of missing out (FOMO) on the dating scene just didn’t feel that important, as my daily life was consumed by raising my daughter. I had absolutely no time to think of dating; taking good care of my daughter was the single focus. Moreover, I didn’t want to leave my daughter alone, especially since her mother was already away, and with me being unavailable too, she would feel more neglected.
Do I really need it?
I wondered— Am I really ready for another relationship, or am I merely dating to fill an emotional void? While companionship is important, it’s also important that two people come together for the right reasons — unselfish ones. And I definitely didn’t want to be the selfish one again!
Will I make comparisons?
It’s only human that after you’ve lived so long with a partner, you get used to everything about her. I admired many qualities about my ex-wife, and feared that if I dated again, I may see her as a benchmark, and not give another person or relationship a fair chance. No new relationship will be the same as the last one, but to become totally cognizant of that takes time and work.
My daughter depends on me
Every relationship comes with co-dependence, particularly in the early stages… For a parent, this could mean many years of supporting your child’s emotional and physical growth. I realise my daughter is still dependent on me. From the time my wife left, my daughter and I seek comfort and emotional support in each other. I am thus hesitant to include anyone else in that space yet… Some part of me also doesn’t want to invest my emotional energies in another relationship.
Is it social pressure?
Sometimes, you don’t even feel the need to start dating, or be in a relationship, but society makes you believe you need to. It’s essentially peer pressure, where friends and family insist you go out, and start meeting new people. They don’t want you to feel left out or get isolated.
The past weighs heavy
At times, I simply feel like I don’t want to replace the memories I had with my ex-wife with new ones. While at others, I feel it’s simply the case of ‘once bitten, twice shy, where I’m afraid to get hurt again. It takes time for scars to heal, and perhaps I just need to feel a little better and more confident about myself before I enter a new relationship.
I’m working on myself
Through past experience, I’ve now realised there is no ‘perfect’ partner, or ‘right’ soul mate. These are just ideas and expectations we’ve built, dreams we’ve created to make ourselves escape the truth. The truth is — we need to work on ourselves first and become the perfect partner we want to be. My constant endeavour is to work on myself before I enter a new relationship…that way I may have more to offer my future partner.
Traces of denial linger
While you move on from the situation, some part of you still does not accept it. For the longest time in my heart, I still believed, my wife and I would reconcile, and so I continued to try to win her back. I also believed — like most people do — that marriages happen only once in your lifetime. But, now with the divorce underway, I guess the final nail in the coffin will help bring closure and readiness for a new life.
Spirituality gave a new perspective
As I delved deeper into spiritual ideas and practices, I realised I was only compatible with those who had similar sensibilities and a certain level of evolution. This meant that the many who I had dated in the past were no longer people I could go out with anymore. Hence, to find the right spiritual connect, more than a physical and emotional one, was what I was looking for…a tough one to find!
How would my daughter take it?
My daughter has so far only seen me with her mother. I don’t know how she’ll take it, if she sees me with another woman. She is already possessive, as I’m the only constant parent in her life, and including another person at this point may upset her sense of emotional security. I don’t want her to think that I too would leave her for someone or something else.
Dating apps are misleading
While many are on dating apps to date, they are also looking for something long-term…and I’m just not ready for it. In India, the dating game is still one where women do eventually look to you for a commitment. Since I’m not ready to lead anyone on, or even break someone’s heart, or burden them with my own issues, I’ve stayed away from dating apps consciously… And honestly, I don’t how else to find people to date!
These are all thoughts that have plagued my mind ever since my separation. While I would love to — one day — feel the lightness and freedom to date again with a clear heart and no emotional baggage, I think that day has not arrived yet.
But wait for it I will…because as long as there is life, there is love and there is hope!
These are my experiences of dating — or not dating — as a single parent. Do feel free to write in with your own in the comments box below or email souldads@souldads.com.
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