Take Charge of Your Child’s Emotional Growth
I was in the movies with my daughter, watching a recent Hindi flick titled Secret Superstar. In the movie, the mother encouraged her daughter to follow her dream and become a singer. The daughter, in turn, gave her mother the strength to fight an oppressive father.
As soon as we got out of the theatre, my daughter started to cry. She didn’t know why she was crying, but her next response was to go to the nearest shop that her mother and she frequented together.
I quickly realised the mixed emotions Sahana was going through.
She had seen a movie of a mother and daughter together, each supporting the other… But, unfortunately, she did not have her mother to share her life with.
As a parent, that moment was heartbreaking… I didn’t know how to take away her sorrow or help her accept her emotions. At that point, I also realised I should have perhaps been more sensitive, and prepared her in some way for the movie.
Such instances are many… When Sahana misses her mother on play dates, or when friends question where her mother is, or when at family functions, mothers and daughters come all dolled up… At such times, my daughter almost wants to physically run away from the place.
These are all probably unresolved emotions that children raised by single parents experience.
And, no matter what you tell the child at that point, they are unable to understand the situation, or deal with their emotions…
Children probably don’t even understand what emotions they are going through in those moments of longing for the other parent.
So how then do you as a parent deal with the child’s emotions, or help the child deal with them better?
Emotions are undoubtedly powerful, and if used sensibly, can benefit one’s personal, creative, and spiritual growth.
We have been coded with seven different emotions that help us experience life, viz. — joy, anger, fear, disgust, happiness, surprise, sadness, and their consequent emotions like trust, anticipation and expectation.
A cocktail of these emotions can also be present at times. Some studies add more emotions, but these are the basic 7–10 that most people experience on a regular basis.
These emotions are present in all of us from day one… They only get triggered depending on the situation we are put in.
For a child, happiness and joy are probably the most important emotions...
But as children grow older, and deal with more diverse life situations, their emotions also get more complex.
Channeling emotions for the child thus becomes necessary… And this starts at home, a place they spend majority of their growing years.
When my wife decided on the separation and left home, I used to often break down in front of my child… Seeing me cry, my child also did the same.
Soon with the help of spirituality, I learned how to manage my emotions better, and control them in front of my child.
My daughter again followed suit. But only this time, she was exhibiting more positive and uplifting emotions!
Another instance of misplaced emotion was noticed when Sahana’s school counselors and child psychologists complained of her picking up fights in school… Missing her mother was resulting in bouts of rage.
When this came to my notice, I realised she had picked up that emotion also from me… I was often angry post the separation, and as she observed my behaviour, she started doing the same at school.
As I became more accepting of the situation, so did my daughter. In fact, one day, she displayed so much maturity, that she told a friend of mine that she would take on the responsibility of caring for me and my family.
But any incident can trigger that nagging feeling of missing a parent.
Once, when Sahana returned home from meeting her mother, she was very upset and went straight to her room. I tried to ask her what was wrong, but she didn’t respond. She was feeling bad that her mother didn’t come back home with her.
When I gave her space and time to calm down, she managed to reflect on her feelings, and express them to me.
These emotional triggers can take place anytime — during sleep, at school, at play…
A parent must be prepared to deal with any emotional turmoil in a child, and at all times, till such a time as the child understands how to deal with them independently.
Often times, Sahana came back from school upset with conversations she had had with friends. They would discuss going for a movie, cooking, or shopping with their mothers, while she had done none of these things…
To feel good she’d make up stories and tell them she had done the same… But once back home, she’d rush to her room, and begin painting.
My daughter was channeling her emotions through her paintings… And so beautiful they were, for a child of six years!
That’s when I made it a point to enroll her in an art class and ensure she pursues that medium of expression… She was pouring out her feelings on canvas, and figuring out life for herself!
I often wonder, if she has more maturity than her age, and has in fact lost some bits of her childhood. But then again, maybe it’s a good thing…if growing up early makes you a more compassionate and caring human being!
Unfortunately, we don’t have a ‘contol-alt-delete’ command for emotions, and we can’t wipe them out instantly.
But understanding these emotions and using them to aid development is crucial for all parents, particularly for those whose children have suffered trauma in the early years.
The parents’ genes too play an important role in how the child behaves and handles emotions. While we can’t rewire everything about us, we can try to watch our behaviour in front of the child.
Schools also are an important outlet for shaping a child’s emotions. Hence, they should be apprised of the situation at home, so that they can be more sensitive to children of single parents, or those who have gone through some emotional trauma.
I am no expert on emotions, but doing what I can to deal with them.
I hope someday we discover or invent an 11th emotion that supersedes all the rest…and shows us how to deal with the other 10 with calm and grace.
For parents, our job is to realize that every emotion of the child is emanating from some experience or watched behaviour… While we may not always have control over every situation, we can help them label and understand those emotions better.
My daughter can now relate to most of the emotions she goes through.
When she is sad, happy, or angry, she states it just as freely as I do. I encourage her not to hide the emotion, but to express and understand it instead.
I encourage her to talk about her emotions without any fear… That way I may be able to help her right away, rather than letting it fester inside her. I also discourage the use of emojis, and tell her to use words to describe her feelings.
To overcome her fears, I tell her fear is always of the unknown, and I’m always beside her to guide her through any fears, as longs as talks to me about them.
Our children essentially want to feel happy and joyful, and as parents we can facilitate their path to personal well-being.
With this in mind, focusing on emotions, and channeling them in the child, becomes an important part of parenting.
Hence, encourage your child to express their emotions, even if painful. That way, you will get aware of them, and together you can find a solution that brings you more joy and togetherness.
Coming back to the movie… When I went home, I asked my daughter what her dream was, and if I could help her in anyway.
I told her, I definitely could not be her mother, but I could sure give wings to her dreams… To which she just smiled, and gave me a big hug!
Parenting can be joyful and stressful at the same time… But if we look at it as an opportunity to grow and gain more experience from life, and learn from our precious innocent ones, parenting can further enrich our lives.
As William Wordsworth rightly said, ‘The child is the father of man.’ There is no end to the teachings that parenting can give us, and through it all we will only understand ourselves better.
Soul Dads is here to help you enjoy the wonderful journey of discovery that parenting is. Together let’s share our parenting experiences and help raise finer children into the world!
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