10 Ideas for a Brighter Diwali
Holi followed our separation… In India, Holi is the festival of colours, where people get together and splash water and colours on each other. It’s celebrated with much pomp and vigor.
But for my daughter and me, the mood was sombre. I was preoccupied with events that had just transpired — my wife had decided to call it quits. We had parted ways.
I was listless, and not keen on participating in the festivities.
This was not the usual me… I was always big on festivals. It was a time to come together, put away differences, and simply revel in the celebrations.
When my wife was still with us, we’d go together as a family and play Holi in different friends’ houses and in the nearby club. The whole day was spent spreading colour and joy.
That year somehow seemed different… My daughter and I were almost in mourning. The pain and grief that followed the separation was too much to bear.
But not celebrating a festival was probably the first sign of me losing myself, and getting consumed by my mind and emotions.
Consumed by my sorrow, I didn’t realize I was denying my daughter the opportunity to be happy too. What’s more, I probably gave her my sad mood as well!
I should have celebrated in some small way to soften the blow she felt from the absence of her mother. I almost made her feel like she had lost her mother forever.
But if I couldn’t help myself, how could I help my daughter?
I woke up on the day of the festival, with a great feeling of emptiness. That’s when I realised that my wife probably filled a vacuum in me, which I should have worked on filling myself.
To avoid the festival, and all the memories it brought along with it, I decided to leave the city and take a vacation… I was running away from the situation, but in the process I was also teaching my daughter to run away from situations, and not face them head on!
The break was a temporary fix…
When we returned, nothing had changed — the mother didn’t return, the situation remained the same, and so did the pain. But, in the bargain, I had denied my daughter the celebration and joys that a festival brings, which may have instead helped her heal and cope with the absence of her mother.
The next big festival on the Hindu calendar followed — Diwali, and its precursors Navaratri and Dussehra.
Again memories of my wife surfaced — It used to be a delight to see her and my daughter go shopping together, dress in ethnic wear, and organise parties at home with flowers, diyas (small earthen lamps) and rangoli (coloured powder) patterns.
The pujas (prayer rituals) at the house and office also brought us together as one happy family. The festival of lights was reflected in my wife and daughter, who lit up like crackers, coming alive with the celebrations!
Diwali is an inclusive festival that combines many elements — friends and family, work and home, celebration and charity.
But I was about to deny my daughter the beauty of this festival too… My mood was still down, my emotions a mess, and my mind consumed by the separation.
I guess my daughter sensed things, and suggested we go for a holiday. Running away seemed to be the easiest solution…
But when you exclude yourself from society and its goings on, you also exclude yourself from the process of healing, which only takes place when you participate, and celebrate life fully rather than running away from it!
By that time I had already started yoga and meditation, and the tools of transformation had kicked in… I now realised that running away was not a solution; true resolution only comes from accepting your emotions and mind, and finding ways to go beyond them.
So, instead of agreeing to my daughter’s suggestion, I asked her why she wanted to travel… She made excuses like pollution, loud cracker noise, and that her friends were also traveling.
I knew deep down she didn’t want to celebrate the festival without her mother…
Her absence during such times was clearly felt. So I took it upon myself to explain to her the significance of the festival, and why we should participate in it every year.
I also roped in my parents and relatives to make it as festive for my daughter as possible, and to include her in all the arrangements that had to be made. They did their bit, and she did hers. She lit diyas with them, sat for pujas, and helped decorate the house when guests visited for lunch or dinner.
But just one year was not going to do the trick… I had to stick with it, like tradition.
So, year after year, we performed all the traditions together. She also spent some time during her Diwali holidays with her mother. This made her feel better and miss her less during the festival.
Even though, my wife and I have separated, we make it a point to put aside our differences at such times, and come together for our daughter. We also ensure our schedules are never too busy, and prioritise our daughter’s needs over ours.
My daughter now looks forward to every festival, and gears up for it in full swing.
She revels in the shopping, the sweets, the laughter, and all the festivities that take place… It’s her time to connect with people around her, and rejoice in their presence.
She has also become more responsible and takes on the job of decorating the house, just like her mother did. These moments of constructive activity bring her peace and joy.
To come to this place of peaceful acceptance and joy took many years of resistance and wanting to run away from the city… But we now realise how essential it is to be part of the festivals…to not just light the external lamp or diya, but to also light the lamp within.
Situations will come and go in our lives…
But it is important we preserve our culture and pass it down to our children. Festivals are essentially inclusive in nature, and their significance resonates with every generation. It helps them participate in life fully, and become better versions of themselves.
It’s essential thus to go beyond our minds and emotions, and put events behind us in order to look at the bigger picture of life. As a single parent, I had to let go of my inner turmoil, and focus on what was essential for my child’s well-being. Little knowing, that in the process, I too would heal and become a better human being.
As my daughter and I get ready to celebrate the upcoming Diwali festival, we take this opportunity to wish you all a very Happy Diwali and a prosperous New Year! May love, light and laughter always touch your lives and those of your children!
And, for all you single parents out there, know that you are not alone… Simply reach out to Soul Dads, and together we will find ways to make your life more beautiful and meaningful.
To add more joy to your Diwali, here are 10 ideas to celebrate the festival as a single parent:
1. Stay at home: It’s easy to run away and go on vacation, but it’s wiser to stay back and deal with the situation… Instead, use that positive festive time to take a break from your tormenting mind and emotions.
2. Celebrate with family and friends: Festivals are the best time to reconnect with those around you… Especially as a single parent, you need to create a support system that you and your child can bank on. Organise small dos, like meals or parties, that can help you celebrate with those around you.
3. Be normal: There is no reason why you can’t do the same festive activities as a solo parent that you did along with your ex-spouse. In fact, if you approach the festival the same way you did earlier, your child and you will enjoy it more. You may miss your significant other — and your child will miss the other parent — but tradition will continue!
4. Let go: Festivals are the best time to let go of your resentment. Initially I was hesitant to let my daughter spend time with her mother on festivals… But I realised that it was an important time for them to bond. Festivals are occasions when children create memories, thus being with their loved ones helps them create positive ones.
5. Educate the child: It’s a good time to talk to your child about the significance of festivals in our culture. The story of Rama and Ravana, or the triumph of good over evil is just one aspect of Diwali, the metaphorical dimension of overcoming the demons within can also be discussed. Lighting the lamp of compassion from within is another aspect of the festival of lights.
6. Plan activities: During festival time, it’s important to include your child in your social life, and plan activities that immerse them in the festival. My daughter organizes the decorations, and also attends parties at my friends’ houses.
7. Encourage giving: Since Diwali is an inclusive festival, I encourage my daughter to not just buy gifts for loved ones and herself, but also for the lesser privileged. I remind her that the best gift she has is the ability to gift. When she meets the lesser privileged her own problems seem small, and she realizes there is a bigger world out there.
8. Teach gratitude: Festivals are a great time to teach children about gratitude, and how important it is to appreciate what you have and what you don’t have. I tell my daughter to be grateful for every event in her life, as it has helped shape her, and to pray that she has more and more experiences in life to help her live more fully.
9. Allow expression: It’s normal for emotions to run high during festivals… Along with euphoria often comes sadness. Single parents may experience that the child misses the absent parent more on such days… But allow them to express themselves in whichever medium they like. My daughter expresses her emotions by making beautiful coloured rangoli designs and painting diyas.
10. Spend time together: As a single parent, take on one activity that you can do together with your child during the festival… This could be playing a board game, going shopping, watching a movie, or simply chatting over a meal to understand what the child feels and thinks on such days. As you connect more meaningfully with your child, you can then respond better to their growing needs.
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