Why it’s Important to be Friends with Your Child

On my daily morning runs with my friend, we were chatting about life in general. I told him how my life had taken so many unexpected turns…

In a reassuring tone, he said — ‘Chetan, you’ve been a great father to your daughter!’

To which I replied — ‘No, my daughter has been a great daughter, and let me do what was needed.’

Going through the process of the divorce and its aftermath were not easy.

Layers of my personality started to peel off, getting me closer to my true nature… I was shedding my ego, and a process of transformation had begun.

I was becoming more flexible as a person, and letting go of any preconceived notions, particularly the idea that I owned my daughter… I realised that she has only come through me, but eventually would have a life and will of her own.

New dimensions in my relationship with my daughter opened up…

I began to see her as an equal, and that approach allowed me to be friends with her.

Initially, before I embarked on the spiritual path, I behaved as if I was her boss, ordering her around rather than talking to her. This made her angry and agitated, snapping back at every order of mine.

Her angry responses were carried over to school too. That’s when I realised that my child was just imitating me, and I had to take stock of the situation.

I started to let go of my false ego, became more fluid in my conversations with my daughter.

Before she slept, we would chat about her day in school, and I would let her express herself freely.

When she missed her mom and spoke about her, we would laugh and cry together. I would also confide, own up to my mistakes, and be as open and honest about things as possible.

When she noticed these changes in me, she became more willing to support my spiritual path, and let me pursue my spiritual endeavours for days on end.

When I was travelling, she missed me, and at times was perhaps insecure that I would leave her too… But, at such times, I would reassure her that I was always there.

One day, I asked her if she would like to change schools and move to a school I felt was more suited for her growth. But this would mean she would be away from me, as the school was in another city…

She turned around and said that she would love to go to that school, but she didn’t want to leave me alone at this juncture of my life.

Thereafter, I realised that care and friendship was both ways.

We realised we had only each other, and started taking care of each other’s emotions, be it anger, joy or love… We were determined to remain unfazed by all the ups and downs of life.

The words ‘I love you’ were never uttered between us. Our actions toward each other were enough to build a deep bond.

I never hid my tears of joy or sadness from my daughter…

I also always told her not to look up at me, just because I was her father, but to see me and accept me for who I was.

A true friend will always tell you if you’re wrong, but still be there to support you — My daughter has been doing exactly that!

I had moments where I was angry and screamed at her, even though she had done nothing wrong. At such times, she would politely correct me instead of getting upset. Her child’s mind realised it was misplaced anger, and that my love for her was intact…

I realised that children are more unconditional in their love than adults.

My journey emotionally was not easy on both of us; but our support for the other has been tremendous.

During the run, my friend told me he felt I made a great dad because I sacrificed so much… But, I just did what was needed at the time.

If we can always just address our relationship needs, in a timely manner, we will sail through life effortlessly and our relationships will become stronger.

Till date, I present my daughter with the various options available or the different sides of a particular situation, and discuss all the pros and cons with her… But, the final decision is always hers to make.

Recently, we got a pet home, and I told my daughter it was a huge responsibility...

After hearing me out, and discussing it over months, she finally decided on adopting a puppy. This has made her more responsible, and she appreciates the fact that we discussed it like adults. It also made her more mentally prepared on how to take care of the pet.

The friendship between us has helped her become a more sensible, caring, loving and responsible human being, which is now extended to our pet too.

When my wife left, I realised that I would have to be both parents for Sahana…

But I was already a horrible dad… How could I fill the shoes of a mom as well?

Prior to my divorce, I was just a provider for my daughter… I soon realised I needed to be her friend as well — Someone she could talk to in the absence of her mum, and guide her… Or else, she would run to her friends, who were as clueless about dealing with issues, and she would get even more messed up.

So, I became my daughter’s ear — a friendly ear!

I let her cry her heart out when she missed her mother, and let her make joke about her friends and school teachers when she wanted to… I became her gossip buddy, and her shoulder to cry on.

When I played the role of a friend to her, the different dimensions of her personality opened up. She communicated more easily with me and others.

She was initially just afraid of being who she was… And, the friendship gave her a platform to be herself.

I encourage my daughter to question everything she’s told, or hears, even if it’s from me.

As the comfort levels increased between my daughter and I, she brought to notice various aspects of me, that I couldn’t see earlier…

I had a habit of saying no, and so she corrected me many times. When she corrects me, it doesn’t offend me, as I don’t look at her as my daughter, but as my friend.

We can learn so much from our children, if we turn our relationship into a friendship.

Listening is one the most important qualities of a good friendship… So, I simply listen to her talk about her day, her school activities, or any other issue on her mind… She sees a friend in me because I always give her an ear to listen to.

Of course, at times I do fall asleep while she’s talking, but that’s another story… That’s when you realise that every relationship goes through role reversals — sometimes you tell your children bedtime stories, while sometimes they do…

Either way, it’s all good, as long as you keep the bond and friendship alive!

Before I sign off, here are my quick takeaways to help you build a long-lasting friendship with your child:

1. Inculcate trust

Whatever your child tells you should stay between the two of you. Make a pact to keep their secrets, and assure them that they can trust you as a confidante.

2. Provide reassurance

Children need constant reassurance that the parent will not abandon them… So, keep reassuring them with words and actions — Don’t forget to show up when they need you most, especially, when they need you emotionally.

3. Be calm

It’s easy to snap at your child and get angry on the slightest issue… But, stay calm, and respond rather than react. This approach will show them how to respond calmly too.

4. Keep your ears open

As I had to play two roles — of a mother and father — I kept both ears open… Overall, when a parent listens more, you connect more deeply with your child.

5. Do what is needed

As a parent, the journey is an endless one, and every day demands a new you… So, respond to the needs of your child accordingly — improvise, adapt, and do what is needed at that moment…for your child and yourself!

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