Confessions of a 43-Year-Old Divorcee
As I turn 43 this month, I look back and assess how much I’ve grown as an individual. Sometimes, I feel almost stuck in time, as if I haven’t grown at all… At other times, I experience a huge transformation within…
In the early years, my life went on as usual. I pursued higher studies in Boston, came back to join the family business, and lived with my parents…just like many Indians do. I soon got married the conventional way, and had a daughter.
I am now divorced, and it feels like I’m back to scratch.
When I introspect, I wonder if life would have been different had I left the nest, branched out, and lived by myself, like many of my friends and cousins had done. They found the courage to pursue their dreams at an early age, while I chose to stick to the familiar and comfortable!
Perhaps, it was greed that held me back — or a mistaken self identity, where I believed that I was the sum total of my family name and wealth… Or, perhaps, I simply wanted the ‘good life’ without too much work, and moving out of my comfort zone.
After college in America, I got a few job offers, but chose to return to India, and enjoy a ‘comfortable life’. Even in college, I did not do a day’s work, because daddy was paying the bills!
I shirked the struggle, and let laziness rule my life.
So, I came back to a well-set family business… While I helped it grow for the next 10 years, it just wasn’t the same as starting out on your own. I always had a safety net — the knowledge that my family wealth would bail me out in times of failure!
My marriage too, like all marriages, was perhaps one of convenience…
My wife liked the family and set-up she was getting into, and I didn’t have to work too hard to impress her. Moreover, at one point, we both had what we were looking for in each other. This security kept us complacent, with no drive to work on life, or the marriage.
To add to it, I always had lavish spending habits, with no need to think about where the money would come from. Initially this worked, but as expenses increased it created unpleasant situations in the family, as I fell deeper into the pit of dependency.
But, finally, it was my obsession with self preservation that led me to the path I am currently on…
The love for money created rifts in my marriage. I wanted to hold on to my family legacy, while my wife wanted to move away and lead an independent life. I knew there was love on both sides, and everyone wanted my well-being, but still the choice had to be made, and it was a difficult one.
In the end, selfishness got the better of me… I chose to stay with my family, as the need to protect the identity given by my family far outweighed the promise of a new life.
The family business was doing okay, but I started a new venture, hoping it would help mend the marriage, and make my wife happy. This turned out to be a big mistake…
Due to lack of focus, both the businesses suffered — the family business and my own — and I had to pay back the family for their support.
The very intent of starting the business was not correct — it was more to prove a point than to create something. This was probably the final nail in the coffin…
My wife sensed that nothing was working, and I would never grow up, so she decided to call it quits.
She may have realised (before me) that the only way for me to grow, was for her to leave. As otherwise, I would continue to hold on to my false identity, ego, and greed for security.
After a bitter battle, we parted. She left for a new life, as I clung to the old one — filled with security, self preservation, and false identification.
The wealth, which I thought gave me freedom, had actually become my bondage…it had made me a fool!
Perhaps, that’s why spirituality entered my life…
A year before my ex-wife left, at the age of 38, I was introduced to spirituality. Initially, I thought it was a gimmick, but unknowingly it triggered something in me… It helped me sense a vacuum within.
I deferred it for a while. It was only after my wife left, and the ground beneath my feet shook, that I immersed myself in spirituality to look for answers. The last four years have unravelled many things, the most important being, that perhaps it was greed that put me on my new path!
Your shortcomings eventually take you to where you are meant to be…
My need to protect my identity led to my downfall. But it was necessary for me to go down that road to get to where I am at today…writing with so much clarity.
The greed for wealth and security not only led to my divorce, but also led me toward seeking a spiritual approach toward life.
All life happenings are a blessing in disguise…learning curves that help us grow.
As a result of my experiences, I am now more conscious of my life choices, and more sensitive to my surroundings. There is a sense of fulfilment rather than attachment. I understand that wealth cannot bring happiness, it is just a tool…
It is more important to know how to use wealth than to have it.
I now work more consciously on my life, not wanting to repeat the same mistakes, for the sake of my family and myself.
The spiritual path too has been a struggle of its own…
You let go of old habits and patterns as well as people who don’t understand your journey. But all these new ways of living and thinking, only get you closer to you where you need to go.
I do not regret how my life has panned out so far…
In the larger scheme of things, it all happened for a reason. I’m also grateful to all those who unknowingly pushed me on this new journey, and helped me grow as an individual.
I’m still working on my emotions and thoughts, the occasional bursts of anger and hate. But at least I am aware that it is just the mind and body, and not the soul that generates these feelings.
When I look back, I also realise that it was perhaps my spiritual longing, or search for answers that caused the turbulence in my life…
The boat had to be rocked for me to seek the shore!
Now, with more awareness of my strengths and weaknesses, and the ability to express myself better through my writing, I am more in sync with my soul, and also connect deeply with other souls.
The need for self preservation and personal well-being has now been channelled for the well-being and care of others.
At 43, I have finally realised that life is not just about me, and what I want…
It is with this realization that I include others in my journey, selflessly and completely. My daughter too is happy with the ongoing transformation, and looks forward to being with a father who is more sensitive and understanding!
Soul Dads too was born out of the realisation — to help others on a similar path. As I share my personal experiences, readers also feel encouraged to express themselves, and seek support through the platform.
Realising our true potential is the end goal of all life… And, through Soul Dads, I hope we can hold each others’ hands, and reach this goal together!
As I get ready to celebrate my birthday, I deeply appreciate your participation in Soul Dads, and look forward to all your comments, likes, shares, and support.
