Am I the Ideal Custodian of Our Child?
I often wonder what it would be like if I was in a legal tussle over our child…or, if I didn’t get to see my daughter enough? Also, what it would be like for my daughter if she was in the care of only her mother?
Several people ask me how my wife let my daughter stay in my care without too much of a fuss…considering she is the mother. Women, particularly, say they would not be able to take such a decision.
My answer to them is — You don’t have to think like a mother or a father…you have to think like a human being first — one with active intelligence, who analyses different aspects before taking a conscious decision. At the end of the day, we are dealing with another precious life, one that needs our foremost attention for its growth.
I thought over some hard issues before I decided to take responsibility of my daughter’s life… These thoughts may help you too, if you are going through a separation or custody battle, and need to decide which spouse should take more charge of the child than the other.
Find below some aspects to consider before you take that final decision…
1. You don’t own your child…
The child is an expression of life. As parents, we don’t have to look at the child as ‘ours’, but first and foremost as another life — a life that we have the privileged to nurture. Parenting is a very responsible and selfless task that needs to be done without any sense of ownership. So take the word ‘custody’ out of your home, and let it remain in the courtrooms.
Rise beyond your limited identity as a parent, and realize you are just a caretaker for a brief period of time. Hence, it is only right that the better caretaker is responsible for the child, even if it’s not you!
2. Wealth does not substitute parenting
It is essential to be equipped to take care of the child, and this does not always mean financially. Just because you have wealth, does not mean you have what it takes to grow your child to her full potential. If you are not the ideal person to help a child grow, you must immediately give it to someone who can provide both wealth and commitment to the child in equal measure.
While wealth brings a certain level of comfort, the emotional and mental growth of a child also needs to be taken care of…and that can only happen with 100% involvement and devotion to the process of parenting.
3. Your child is not a bargaining chip
Think beyond yourself, and think instead for the best interests of your child. You must ask yourself if you can forsake your needs for the well-being of the child, even if this means that the child’s needs are better met by the other parent.
The child should also not be used as a bait to get even with your ex-spouse, because if you’re using another life to boost your ego, it amounts to deception, both to yourself and to the child. Even though the child is not of legal age to decide what she wants, she still has rights as a living being. Additionally, if the child feels used by either parent, she will only grow up to resent that parent.
So, don’t use a child’s life for personal gain…because sooner or later when the child realizes they were used, they will imbibe the same trait from you and do the same in their relationships, or worse still, they will distance themselves from you.
4. Parenting is not determined by gender
The idea that a mother is a better parent than a father is a societal myth. The question you must ask is, which parent is better equipped to grow the child to her full potential. You should also realize that child has to exceed you, rather than become like you. The child will thus need to be exposed to various aspects of life in an unbiased way.
You have to also realize that you are not perfect, and hence you will have inadequacies as a parent, irrespective of gender. The idea then is not be ‘mother’ or ‘father’ — because both feminine and masculine energies are important for the child — but to ensure that you can first and foremost play the role of a parent.
5. Your child needs a joyful environment
It’s not just money or education that helps a child grow…a child also needs a loving and affectionate environment to blossom. Also, a child’s psychological health is as important as her physiological health… Thus if a single parent does not have the required support system, like grandparents at home or sufficient caregivers, the child may feel insecure and alone at times. This is especially true for working parents who may not be at home all the time.
Hence, a parent needs to factor in this aspect before taking on responsibility of the child. Also, in the growing years, particularly, a child needs to be hugged and shown plenty of affection to feel secure.
6. Include your child in the decision-making
It’s important to talk to your child often and understand what is going on in her mind. Children are more intuitive and sometimes have a higher intelligence than adults. They are untainted by too many thoughts and emotions. If you just listen to them,you will find wisdom that can often be the solution to many situations. So, try and involve them if possible in decision-making.
In the initial days of separation from my wife, I did regularly check with my daughter if she is okay with me, or if she would rather be with her mother. Now, too, I’m not afraid to know who she would prefer being with, and what problems she’s facing, because only then will I identify the parenting problems and find their solutions. This approach will both improve your rapport with the child and enhance long-term growth.
7. Question yourself…repeatedly
Self-improvement comes through introspection. I often question myself about being the ‘right’ custodian for our daughter, or if she would be happier with her mother. These questions help me answers other questions, like what I need to do for her to have a better future, or what guidance I need to give her, the same a mother would. This makes me more sensitive as a parent…
It also helps me step back and allow the child to make decisions for herself. Because, as I present different possibilities to myself, I also allow the child to explore multiple possibilities on how she would like to live her life.
As a parent, I’ve realized, one must not place too much importance on yourself, but keep working on the impact you are making on your child’s life.
8. Parenting is a 20-year commitment
Your child is a 20-year commitment at the least… She will need all your focus and dedication during that time. You will have to be committed to her growth, till she can go out into the world as a joyful individual.
All life has potential to reach great heights, and as parents our commitment should be to see the life we are in charge of grow to its fullest, and to prevent any form of stunted growth.Thus, ask yourself if you are capable of a 20-year commitment, and if you can consistently create a loving and nurturing environment for your child to grow.
9. Don’t let your marriage come in the way of parenting
Just because your spouse and you have fallen apart, it does not mean your spouse is not a good parent. It’s only when you can distance the person from the event, can you make an unbiased decision on who is the better parent.
So step away from your personal animosity, put your child at the center of the issue, and address clearly the child’s needs over yours, without letting past happenings in the marriage colour your decisions.
10. Don’t fear experimenting
If you are on talking terms with your ex-spouse, send your child often enough to stay with her/him, so that you know which parent the child is better adjusted to.
Understand that it is important for the child to be better adjusted and grow well, rather than for you to have full charge of the child. You can then observe how the child behaves after returning home, and if the stay has in fact positively impacted the child or not. Sometimes you will be surprised by your observations and where the child feels happier.
After considering the above points, my wife and I have decided that, for now, our daughter is better suited under my care… Being with grandparents, she will get the necessary security and stability of a loving environment, and can look to me as her safety net when needed.
There is no perfect formula to parenting, and no perfect parent, all one can work on is helping the child explore her true potential. Our ultimate goal is that she grows into a conscious adult who can make decisions with clarity, when the time comes for her to step into the world!
Soul Dads talks about various issues that single parents face… From everyday doubts to long-term planning, we discuss and question the myriad thoughts that cloud a parent’s mind.
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