Arranged Marriage — The Great Indian Mirage
I often wonder what landed me in the state of single parenthood…
Though I cherish dearly the moments between my daughter and me, I do wish she had an active and present mother… And, like most experiences, I introspected as to why the separation happened to begin with…
Some of my reasoning seemed self deprecatory — blaming myself and questioning who I was. At other times, I reflected that I may have been pushed into marriage at an age, and in way (read arranged), I wasn’t ready for…
This led me to write the piece below — a comment on the age-old system of marriages in India… I don’t wish to offend anyone, but I wish to stir a conversation, so that we as a society make better choices, and ensure our children have both parents with them…all the time.
Read on, and let me know your views in the comment box below…
Indian culture has seen a paradigm shift in the last century. But there is one tradition, among the many, that stays — that of arranged marriages.
Arranged marriages are a controversial topic, and almost always spark a debate. But of late the concept of marriage itself has become debatable, with many wondering if it is in fact a redundant institution, that has failed at many levels.
The perception of Indian people toward marriage varies vastly from the rest of the world…we carry with us many ideas passed on from previous generations.
The idea of this blog is not to condemn an age-old practice, but to merely highlight its impact on the life of the young in this era.
In India, arranged marriages (marrying someone chosen by your family, and who you have known very briefly), is viewed as an opportunity to discover and love your partner for a lifetime.
This is a diametrically opposite view to that of the Western world, where people believe they should know someone well before they commit to getting married.
The arranged marriage practice is also questioned by those on the outside. They wonder: Are the couple forced into it? Is it simply a family affair? Should the practice be stopped altogether?
While arranged marriages may not be the ‘best’ way to choose a life partner, they have indeed worked for a large percent of people in India…
Arranged marriages continue to remain a preferred way for Indians to enter into matrimony.
When a marriage is arranged, Indian parents pull out all the stops to ensure the couple doesn’t change their minds. They lure them with grand celebrations and expensive gifts, bribing them into making their way into holy matrimony.
The demand for these grand weddings has given rise to a booming wedding industry in the country…
What’s worse, youngsters play along, giving into the mindless display of wealth and celebration. Social media, designer clothes, and peer pressure numb their minds further. Not to mention the greatest pressure of them all — friends and family…
What would they do if they didn’t have to plan your wedding!
The next trap is the wedding honeymoon… You are packed off to an exotic and luxurious destination, and given a one month all-expenses paid holiday!
All this is heady enough for you not to realize that this marriage was not something you may have wanted in the first place!
Not to forget you come back to the fancy car gifted to you, along with a brand new wardrobe, expensive jewelry, and other goodies.
Are these incentives or handcuffs…trapping you further…playing on your insecurities, making you wonder: ‘How will I ever let go of all this?’
Without much of a tussle, your weak-willed insecurity wins!
Most of the young in India think this is the way things work… Without realizing that the more luxuries you get, the more you are being enslaved.
Elaborate weddings eventually lead to an elaborate lifestyle. And soon you forget your inherent true nature.
Marriages, businesses, and societies, in general, are created for a basic functioning of the human race.
But India is a spiritual country, and many of us — like me — are spiritually inclined.
Marriages and business are generally not the priority for a spiritual person. If you are inherently spiritual, you will unconsciously revolt against family, businesses, and marriage, like I did.
Because it is in your nature to be a free person, and these traditional set-ups feel like a trap.
You will fight with family, friends and colleagues at work, about matters such as marriage… Because deep down you want to be free from that bondage.
Conforming, even for your comfort, feels like compromise and bondage.
A compromise that is sometimes lived through because of fear of the unknown…
You ask: ‘What is out there?’
Or, “Do I value comfort and security over my freedom?’
What you do after answering these questions will eventually define the rest of your life…
In my view, there are four kinds of people:
1. One who is spiritual but does not know it… He/she will fight with family, friends, business, and marriage, because unconsciously he wants to be free
2. The second who is spiritual, but only does the bare minimum needed to stay in society
3. Third, the one who conforms completely in order to please society…because he has been brought up to believe that’s the way it’s done,
4. And the fourth kind, is someone who will do nothing to conform… one who has accepted spiritual environments like ashrams, or lives by himself alone, as a bhikshu, happy to be supported by others.
It is the first variety that gets into the most trouble in life…constantly caught between the two paths…
Surrendering to one path is easy, not knowing which path to take is difficult!
And when those who want to be free, get bound by institutions like marriage, they often err out of guilt…knowing they are not true to it, knowing that they have in fact ‘goofed-up’.
That’s why often people in cities, bound by marriages and families, have long faces, while those in ashrams and spiritual places have happy faces, and carry less bondage.
Marriages are definitely not made in heaven, as the cliché goes.
We don’t have to be a society where we push things to make them work. We should in fact make our own conscious decisions regarding matrimony.
There is also no need for a charade of events to make a wedding beautiful. A smaller wedding implies you know the meaning of a true marriage, and are willing to go it on your own.
Modern youth can achieve stability from work and family if they live with a spiritual compass…if they allow reason and intellect to pervade, rather than dogma and tradition.
One should also avoid getting into anything that will make them feel guilty later on…
If marriage is not your path, don’t feel obliged to get into an institution of such immense responsibility.
Follow your heart instead of succumbing to societal expectations. This does not amount to a deviance from the ‘norm’, but reflects more clearly your ‘truth’.
It is the need of the hour, for us as a society, to shift the focus from marriage — and the belief that it is the only thing which reflects success and happiness — and to move instead in a direction that allows each individual to follow their own path.
At the end of the day, we need to realize that we are ultimately responsible for what happens to our life…it is not our family, friends, or even society that we need to worry about.
To marry or not marry is an independent decision, and choosing our life partner moreso…
We should have the sole authority to decide who we share the matrimonial bed with for the rest of our lives!
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