Questions I’ve Been Asked as a Solo Dad

I’ve been flooded with questions in the past month.

Many have revolved around my experiences as a single dad. This is probably a result of my new publication Soul Dads, which was founded to help me express my travails and tribulations as a single parent, as well as share the joys and triumphs with other single parents, and particularly dads.

I believe single fathers are a neglected community in society… Because it is generally presumed that single mothers carry a greater burden.

But a single father too goes through his own share of challenges, and needs a support system to help find the way in this unknown world of parenting.

Every day can be a nightmare, or every day can be a fascinating discovery, depending on the way you approach the situation. And to enjoy the journey better, Soul Dads provides tools and a community to bond for all single fathers.

I hope you have enjoyed reading the articles thus far… If you would like to check out the archives, click here.

Now for my responses to the FAQs…read on for the full story …

What’s the hardest part about single parenting (man or woman’s perspective) according to you?

Nothing is that hard, but sometimes trying to juggle work and spending time with your child can be a challenge. I feel this more when I travel for work…coordinating my daughter’s classes, managing her school work and activities, become a challenge when done remotely.

Initially, I struggled to find an external balance. But with spirituality, I stopped looking outside, and found the balance within. Once I did, there was hardly any friction, and things worked out effortlessly.

Is it tough to parent a girl child single-handedly, being of the opposite sex?

I’ve never really looked at my child as a girl or boy. A child is just a child, who I have to raise by myself in the absence of her mother. Once you understand how humans as a whole work, they become easier to manage.

Your child is a precious piece of life, and you don’t distinguish between male and female. If I give her a gender identity, my reactions to a situation, and to the whole parenting process, will get hampered.

What’s your biggest parenting fear as a dad?

No fears… I just hope that there are no hidden emotions in my child, or scars due to the separation. And I hope she doesn’t react to it in a negative way, now or later in life.

I openly talk to her about the situation, and address any of her fears or beliefs. I believe in being open and honest with her in a language she understands.

I don’t want her to have any unanswered questions, struggle with emotions, develop any insecurities, or ill feeling toward others or any situations. My daughter should feel confident enough to explore her future life, and follow her dreams.

Do you think parenting comes easier to women than men in our country?

Society here has been structured in such a manner that men go to work, while women take care of the kids. It’s only recently that we are seeing more career-oriented women, who juggle both home and work.

But it’s eventually all about the situation you are put in, and how you handle it. If there was role reversal, men would probably move just as easily into the role of mothering a child.

Having said that, the feminine energy that a mother brings to parenting is key in the early years of the child. Overall, a woman does play an important role in parenting.

The mommy support system is very strong in India… As a man, is there anything that straps you in your single parenting journey?

Not really, because I don’t look at any situation as one that limits you. It’s merely a problem to be solved. For me, every challenge is an opportunity to stretch myself and grow through the process…

You only need support if you cannot manage alone.

My support for me bringing up my daughter comes from her grandparents and aunts, who take as much interest in her growth… No one is a crutch though, and so the mommy support isn’t a real issue.

Moreover, one feels bound to something only if they don’t enjoy what they are doing, and if they look at it as a job or duty. I look at parenting as an opportunity given to me, so I go through it with is less resistance.

Parenting helps me grow as an individual, which results in me and my surroundings becoming more pleasant and joyful.

But yes, there is a serious lack of single dads or dad parenting groups in the country, since parenting is seen as a woman’s domain. And men too have been unable to contribute significantly to this area… That’s why Soul Dads becomes so relevant in today’s times.

Your separation was a mutual one, and you share joint custody… How did you make your daughter understand and accept the situation?

Kids are born with a certain sense of intuition and understanding. Hence there is no point in making up stories and glossing over facts. Instead, we need to be open and honest about the situation.

Moreover, children are far more understanding and accepting than adults.

So the first thing I did was to find my balance with the help of spirituality. Once I could deal with the situation and accept it, I knew my child would follow… Children only replicate the parent…

If you feel and show calm and confidence, the child will pick up that vibe from you.

In such situations, does the child get more attached to one parent, and how can the child strike a balance?

I encourage my child not to be attached to anything or anyone. We as parents are more attached, which eventually results in them getting attached to us.

I also tell her to look at everyone equally. And to never look up or down on anyone….not even me. She should see me for who I am.

At this age, she may not understand it, but I keep repeating these words, hoping one day she will.

Though I do realize that she may get more attached to me, in the absence of her mother. And so I always talk well of her mother, and what a good job she does of taking care of her.

I do my best to keep the conversation neutral, so that she doesn’t build any ill feeling toward either of us… And her mother does the same.

I’d like to end by saying that the journey of a parent is a lifelong one, and we are all learning and growing through the process…

I may not even have all the answers now, and they may unravel over time… But I’m enjoying all the challenges that come my way…and I’m happy and grateful to have a space to share my experiences with others.

I would really like you all to share your parenting experiences too — single or otherwise. And all of us can collectively enrich our lives, and the lives of our children with our learnings.

For more information on Soul Dads, write in to souldads@souldads.com

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