Parenting is Simply about Being Human

I was recently interviewed by a leading online platform on my life as a single father. The interview brought back memories from my journey –a roller coaster ride filled with highs and lows, successes and failures.

When I was asked a question on how I handled a girl-child all by myself, it got me thinking…

In my mind, I had never once approached it as a father looking after a daughter, but simply as one human being taking care of another.

I also intentionally did not impose any morals or values on my daughter. Instead, I let her experience life for herself and encouraged her to draw her own conclusions.

My only goal as a single parent was to exhibit humanity, and instil in my daughter the same quality.

Raising a child alone is often looked upon as a superhuman act, but in my view being human itself is a super quality.

This is what the world needs more of right now — people simply being more human!

With the pandemic we have seen immense loss and change around us — lives have been lost as well as livelihoods, and the general mental and emotional health of people has suffered. All we should think of, is how to be there for those around us and become more compassionate.

Raising a child is the most basic form of humanitarianism, and it needn’t be limited to your family or loved ones, but can extend to the rest of the world as well.

Every living being should get the same treatment form you like your family or friends.

Today, it is easy to love someone on social media, because they are far away form you, but try staying with them in the same home and there will be a clash… Because, wherever there are two human beings there is bound to be friction.

The whole idea of yoga is to live a friction-free life, where you move with ease, awareness, and go through life effortlessly and joyfully.

In the past few years, I have transformed from being an angry young man to being a less angry version of myself. This is largely because of my experiences as a single father and how I let them change me for the better.

Here are some key ideas that helped me become a better father and human being, many of which are perhaps common sense, but seldom occur to those in the midst of crisis and change.

1. Immersed myself in parenting activities

In the early months of separation, I was not in control of my physical and mental faculties. This prevented me from getting completely involved in all of my child’s school and personal activities. But with yoga and meditation, I soon got back on track.

I went to the movies with my daughter, accompanied her for birthday parties, and also went for lunches with her school friends and their parents.

Initially, I got looks from everyone, as I was alone and without my wife. But, soon I stopped feeling conscious of my single status, and simply did what needed to be done for my daughter.

She needed to feel “normal” with her friends. So, I let go of my ego, converted my frown into a smile, and went for the gatherings she was invited to.

I put on a brave face and let the ego fade away… Needless to say, the rewards were huge — My daughter had joy written all over her face when her friends came over for play dates, and I joined them in the games.

2. Learned that everyone can do everything

Before my separation, I didn’t visit my daughter’s school much. My ex-wife attended most of the meetings… I would often make the excuse that I’m busy with work. But as a single parent, I had to step in…as this was where my daughter spent most of her day outside of home.

So, I started attending all her school meetings and helped with her assignments. Moreover, since she had some behavioural problems at school, triggered by the separation and her need for attention, I knew I had to be more involved.

In addition to PTA meetings, and her homework or project work, I also took an interest in the sports she liked and encouraged her to practice them as regularly as she could.

I could see my old self melt away… I was enjoying activities like cooking that I had never done before.

My daughter’s tears of pain were now replaced with tears of joy. As her faith in me increased, so did her confidence in herself. She started excelling in what she did, and got home a gold medal in athletics.

3. Started caring for a pet once again

We recently brought home a pet. I had had three pets in the past, and didn’t want anymore. But, once the lockdown was announced, I could see my daughter wanting one. Her friends all had pets, and now she wanted her own… So I gave in and got her a pet.

The bond my daughter has built with the dog and her sense of responsibility toward it, has been an eye-opener for us.

After my separation, I often felt I lacked emotion and had stopped caring as much for those around me, but a pet brings out all these aspects in you once again. Being a caregiver to any living being is always an enriching and heart-warming experience.

My daughter, the dog and I, now have a special bond between the three of us. The drill of cleaning after him, giving him his medicines, feeding him, all take me back to the early days of taking care of my daughter, and of course, feel like a breeze after that.

4. Upskilled myself to learn ‘girly’ things

From braiding her hair to going with her to beauty parlours, or painting her nails, I pretty much learned how to do it all. Earlier her mother used to braid her hair… But one day, when at a movie, my daughter saw the actor braid her daughter’s hair, and it brought tears to her eyes.

I decided I had to do something. So, over the next few days I watched YouTube videos and tried to learn how to braid her hair. Initially, I made a complete mess of it, but over time I got better…

It may have never been a perfect braid, like her mother made, but my daughter always said it was perfect to make me feel better.

In the first few years, I was dressing her up like a boy, and soon realised she was also beginning to behave like a tomboy. That’s when I decided to change things — I shopped with her online, learned about the new trends for girls. I also went out shopping with her to understood the clothes girls her age were wearing.

Prior to this, I resisted shopping every chance I got, but now I was enjoying it… A fluid approach helped me understand my daughter better and helped us bond better too.

5. Travelled together to experience new vistas of parenting

When on holidays, I realised that being amid nature, and on the road was a great time for the two of us to understand each other better and spend more time together.

The wonder and awe we felt in nature created a special bond between father and daughter.

My daughter, like me, has also become fond of the mountains. She enjoys being near rivers, wildlife, camping, trekking or going on a long road trip.

There were times she was tired and may have wanted to sleep, but stayed awake talking as she knew I was behind the wheel, and did not want me to fall asleep.

From Disneyland to spiritual places, we have been to all kinds of destinations together, enjoying and savouring every moment.

Thus, as parents, I believe, we first and foremost have a responsibility to create a more humane world, one which is not divided by race, gender, or marital status...

One that helps us parents, and the next generation evolve into better human beings…perhaps, upgraded versions of ourselves, filled with more compassion and love.

As a single father and human being, I simply do my bit to let my humanity flow, and hope my efforts are successful… I love the person and parent I’m becoming, do you?

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