At 44, I Realised I’ve Been in Lockdown All My Life…

People say we have a choice…but do we really?

I couldn’t help but think that the 2020 lockdown and coronavirus scenario is perhaps just a manifestation of what we’ve already been living thus far.

For many of us, we were already in lockdown mode right from birth when we were given an identity — a name, nationality, religion, education, and social structure — that went on to define who we became…

Those barriers essentially took away the freedom to grow our real selves. Perhaps, they also took away the immunity needed to combat any deadly virus that could destroy our dreams.

But only once we decide to break the barriers of the lockdown — created by our false identity — can we unlock the true potential within us.

The several identities we give ourselves are like the virus, looking for a host, a weak mind that succumbs to its ideas…

Hence, if we don’t protect ourselves from it, our mind and emotions may get imbalanced…just like mine did.

My idea of ‘who I was’ nearly destroyed me, like a virus that takes over, and kills someone who does not have a strong immune system.

So, I asked myself some hard questions during the lockdown, and here are the revelations…

We are all living the way the virus wants us to — locked up in our homes, constrained.

Thus far, I have also lived my life in a constrained manner. Everything was largely dictated by what friends and family wanted. And, like the virus, if I did not host or indulge them, they would come after me, or, isolate me.

So, I adjusted and gave them a place in my mind and life. I followed the pattern set by them — I studied, got married, and worked in the family business… All with the intent to keep the virus called ‘society’ happy, and ensure it doesn’t destroy me.

If I deviated from the norm, I would not fit into their idea of ‘perfection’…the terms and conditions were clear!

It was only at the age of 38, after my separation, when I embarked on the spiritual path, that I began to deviate from the past…

Everything about me began to change — my choices, habits and lifestyle. Many people mocked who I was becoming…as I no longer confined to their lockdown rules!

And, though, I struggled to find a balance on that fast spiritual roller-coaster ride, I continued to ride it.

On the way, many people fell off, as they could not reconcile with the person I was becoming. When I started blogging too, people labelled me as ‘a Facebook writer’… In the past, those words may have affected me, but not this time — I was on firm spiritual ground.

I soon began to become more conscious about my own responsibilities, and realised that before this I was moving in circles…

As a young child, I was always playful and more excited by games and nature than textbooks and studying. Even in college, in Mumbai, I was known as the ‘outstanding student’, colloquial for ‘one who stands outside the college.’

During my college days, in the US, this went a step further — I partied and had several relationships. I was unknowingly getting entangled in more lives. Then, a time came when I had to choose between starting a life of my own in America or going back to a life of comfort in India.

The tried and tested won over the risk of the unknown…

I returned home to join the family business, and used all my skills learned in the US to help it grow. I was given several opportunities to branch out, pursue a business of my own, and lead an independent life…but I kept choosing otherwise.

Which makes me think — is most of life predestined? Do we make only those choices that we are meant to make?

Is every decision — good or bad — actually made with awareness, and some sort of inner knowing, that takes us closer to our life purpose?

What I initially thought was a life of freedom and comfort soon became my bondage. The business flourished, and so did my lifestyle…but it took me further away from the reality of my true being.

I then met my ex-wife and soon gave into that ultimate social pressure called ‘marriage’. We had a child, and the lockdown mode continued… I took on more and more responsibilities to fulfil work and family commitments.

But, within me, my life force was longing to expand…

The excessive karmic baggage, collected by my unconscious actions, was finally acting up… I could not bear the weight of it anymore. Unknowingly, I started reacting to external situations that led to the end of my marriage, and led to the beginning of my wakeup call or spiritual journey.

I looked to the spiritual part for answers… I lost a few friends who did not understand me. They had only heard of people renouncing everything, and hadn’t really seen anyone do it.

My lifestyle changed…but those changes were necessary for a new life to unfold.

On this roller coaster spiritual ride I fell off a few times, and made many mistakes, but no one took the time to stop me and ask, or simply hold my hand… I only received unconditional support from my family, who never interfered and were always there.

I do not blame anyone, because, if I were on the other side, I too may have sceptically looked at someone who did not want to be on my side…

For them, I was the unknown virus ready to attack!

It took me a long time to find my balance… To let go of the pressures of society, and still be a responsible father and son.

I let go of various compulsions during the awakening process. The need to break old patterns, and create new conscious awakened ones, got highlighted.

My regular yogic practices and sadhana held me together.

Moreover, they happened effortlessly, almost like it was my calling, and my energies were being pushed naturally in the direction.

I fell off the spiritual roller-coaster ride many times, tempted to go back to old excessive habits, but I consciously resisted. Because, the process was, in fact, taking me to places I’d never been, and liberating me…making me feel lighter — physically, mentally and emotionally.

My energy levels were at an all-time high, so I knew I was on the right path, and kept re-routing to find my balance. My family and daughter supported me like anchors, or the chakras in your body that keep you aligned.

My family kept me grounded while I flew into unknown spiritual skies.

There were times when I went into hiding, and did not want to face the world. I tried to get a hold of my emotions, and come to terms with what was happening within me.

When I look back, I’m grateful for all the choices I made thus far, and for all the events or opportunities in my life that eventually brought me to these spiritual experiences.

Life anywhere, even in America would have been one of freedom…

But here I had the luxury of family support, and the ability to take time off from work to pursue the powerful yogic practices.

Living with my parents, I could go away for days on end and leave my daughter in the care of her loving grandparents. My business may have also suffered while I was away, but I was able to absorb the losses, as I knew I was onto something more meaningful.

I may have finally found a balance between societal expectations and the spiritual path…

It’s almost like flattening the curve of the pandemic…where now you can co-exist with the virus without it destroying you completely! Society has noticed the positive changes in me, and realised that what I do works for me.

It does not matter whether I continue to walk the path or not… Becoming aware of the fact that I have to make conscious decisions that align to my higher good, is the biggest reward of the journey.

Just like the lockdown, I have also realised that several things I once thought were essential for survival, are not really that essential…

The compulsions have gone!

There are still some personal shackles of identity that I am trying to release, but I can now work on them with greater awareness.

Just like the virus outside has contained us in our homes, similarly the virus in our hearts and minds, created by our false notions, must be kept at bay… Till such a time as we become so strong and immune that nothing from the outside can destroy us.

We should aim for a life of balance, where we can live in harmony with any external threat.

At 44, I look back at my life, with no regrets. Even my unconscious choices ultimately took me to a more fulfilling and joyful life.

When life puts you in quarantine-like situations — because of relationships and emotions — the idea is to go beyond them, and still create a life of balance and awareness, where everyone and everything is included without fear.

The lockdown is a perfect time to work on our identities, or to get rid of any shackles we may be carrying because of them.

We can drop all our masks — at least in our homes — and work on dissolving our likes and dislikes…all with the final goal of strengthening our immune systems, so that we can eventually exist and thrive even without them.

A loss of identity ultimately translates into a greater ability to respond to life with more awareness, authenticity, and adaptability…all strengths in times of crises or normalcy!

On this birthday, I may be locked down in my home, but definitely not in spirit… I definitely can’t wait to see what this approach unlocks in my life… Can you?

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