Is it OK to be Lonely?
I recently saw Dream Girl, a movie which depicts how people are so lonely in the world, that they use a call-a-friend service to fill the void in them. I wonder what brought us to this stage…
We are so interconnected through technology, yet so disconnected emotionally.
To find an answer to the question, I looked at my own life. I have more Facebook friends than real world friends.
Perhaps, the growing numbers make me feel less lonely… So, I couldn’t help thinking —
Where have all the real friends gone?
In the past to avoid being alone, I’d aimlessly indulge, or be in relationships that didn’t even work.
Sometimes, I was around people just because I feared being alone! That’s probably why I messed up most of my relationships…
I only valued myself and not the other… I wasn’t truly inclusive.
I drowned myself in work, travelled extensively and went out partying… I was simply avoiding being lonely.
But the relief was temporary, and the damage was done. I did not have the right tools to fix these voids.
From childhood itself, I had always known a life that was driven by activity or people, and hence when the time came to get married, I got into it, as I believed it was the best way to spend life, and not get lonely.
When my wife left, it was probably the final blow…
The body and the mind rejected these temporary tools… The soul was crying for a permanent solution.
That’s when spirituality entered my life.
It not only filled the void, but made me a complete being, where a relationship was no longer a necessity or need, but a beautiful friendship in the fullness of my being.
People now wonder how the guy, who once needed so many friends, relationships, and people around him all the time, is OK being alone.
It’s because I am not busy or preoccupied with thoughts like I was earlier, so I have more free time to dedicate to family, work, and friends.
Have I become a loner? Not at all…
I go out with friends occasionally, spend time with my daughter and family, earn a living, and do my spiritual practices. What I don’t do, is anything compulsive out of the fear of being alone.
Maybe, I am not completely there yet, as I still have a large number of friends on social media.
But does that make me lonely? No, as my network on social media has grown purely because I blog and reach out to so many people.
Seldom, do we get the chance to look within and focus on our spiritual growth.
In our growing years too, most of our time is spent is school, and gaining an education — one not really designed to solve real-life problems.
The rest of the time is spent playing sports. This is followed by college, media, and, sometimes, religious practices.
But as I grew older I was pulled in the direction of spirituality…
Meditation helped me distance myself from the mind and body. I have not perfected it, and thoughts are always there, but I can now choose what to do with them.
While on the path, I also travelled to an ashram and other spiritual places…
This gave me more time to be with myself, and spend days introspecting in silence… It was almost like rediscovering myself after 40 years.
Initially I could not even sit straight or be on my own. It was almost like I was in rehab; so many years of undoing was taking place.
I was letting go of thoughts and emotions that were holding me back.
Emotions of hate and frustration were replaced with feelings of joy and compassion.
I slowly began to realise my mortal nature, and soon started focusing on what’s important in life at the moment, rather than dabbling in unnecessary and frivolous issues of the past and future.
For a long time, I cut away from all forms of media. I also took a break from friends and family, and other compulsions.
I began to enjoy my own company during this time…
There were so many dimensions of myself that I hadn’t discovered yet.
I do enjoy being with friends, but I no longer feel the compulsion to be around them always.
I also don’t feel the need for a partner to complete me anymore. I am trying to be a complete human being on my own, and invite someone into this fullness.
I still have a long way to perfect the art of being alone…
The pulls of social media are strongly felt.
I try to protect my daughter from it too, by spending more time with her, rather than being on my phone or watching television.
In the absence of her mother, she gets lonely. But, at such times, I encourage her to spend time with herself and dabble in various activities.
I involve her in sports and creative activities, rather than looking for entertainment on the screen or with friends all the time.
Artificial intelligence will soon make several functions from our life redundant.
Children particularly will spend all the extra time on social media.
If, as parents, we stop being their friends, they will turn to chemicals, alcohol and body-based relationships to kill their boredom.
Therefore, it is important for children to enjoy and accept themselves as they are. They shouldn’t become a bundle of nerves consumed by thoughts and emotions.
I wish schools propose a class on spiritual sciences…
This will help children get more in touch with themselves, rather than just become nuts and bolts in the economic engine.
The growth of dating apps like Tinder, reflect the phenomenon that people cannot handle being alone… They think causal relationships will do the trick, but instead it makes them lonelier and more dependent.
We need to be more involved and less dependent on everything around us.
Once we are comfortable being with ourselves, we can then handle all kinds of people and situations.
But, isolating ourselves is not the answer… It is our responsibility to go out and meet people.
That’s where volunteering helps — Giving and reaching out to those in need can bring great satisfaction and joy.
If we volunteer regularly, there will be little time left for loneliness or laziness to set in.
I always take my daughter along to volunteer. In this way, at an early age itself, she sees the value of these acts and how much joy they bring.
If children inculcate these spiritual aspects into their personality early on, they will become less dependent on external stimuli, and issues like loneliness will not affect them so easily.
Another great way to get out of loneliness is to realise your true mortal nature.
When you know you could disappear from this planet in a jiffy, you will naturally feel the need to add more value to the little time you have on Earth.
When I think of how swiftly life can be taken away, I start to write and connect with those in similar situations. This gives me a sense of purpose, as now, rather than feeling lonely, I can give solace to those who feel the same way.
Loneliness is our nature — We are born alone, will die alone and eventually also live alone.
But, perhaps we deny it, and spend our lifetimes trying to forget our true nature.
We pile up extra aspects like friends, family, material things, too much activity, education, work, etc.
Ultimately, we find value only when we look inward, and know that everything is within us…
In fact, the entire cosmos is said to exist in every cell of our being!
If we look at life in this way, we can overcome all our fears and limitations, and transcend them to realise our true human potential!
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