How My Separation Made Me More Mindful
The day is still clear in my mind.
I was traveling, when I heard that my wife had decided to call it quits, and end the marriage. She was leaving us…leaving everything behind…everything we had built together.
The ground beneath my feet began to fall apart.
Thereafter, the journey, for a very long time, was one big downward spiral.
I lost control over my mind. It would go in all directions, thinking all sorts of things, traumatizing me completely.
Moreover, I couldn’t come to grips with the situation… I was in a state of denial, refusing to accept that something like this could happen to me.
I definitely wasn’t equipped to deal with the loss…
I began to use all sorts of mind games to make myself feel better. Little did I realize that these were just tricks played by the mind, and none of them would heal me.
First the blame game started, wherein I blamed everyone else for what had happened to me.
Next, the memories began to haunt me… All the moments that my wife and I shared together kept coming back, and I was unable to distance my mind and body from these memories.
To find solace, I took to alcohol. But rather than silencing the mind, it created further agitation.
Soon the restlessness, anger, and frustration started to have an adverse effect on my health… Sleepless nights, excessive weight, stress and anxiety were all on the rise.
With each passing day, my mental anxiety only increased. I began to feel like a nervous wreck.
I knew I had to do something, because my parents and child often faced the brunt of my rage. More than anything, I myself couldn’t deal with the constant unease within me.
I tried consulting everyone, from astrologers to psychologists. I also binged on external support — I visited friends, partied, and talked to many to seek words of comfort. In every conversation, I tried to prove I was right, and my wife was wrong.
Still something felt wrong. I knew I was missing something. I wasn’t dealing with the situation the right way.
I was bullshitting myself, using tools of avoidance…avoidance from real responsibility…from the truth…from accepting the situation as is, and dealing with it head-on.
Instead, I was drowning myself in work, hanging out with people, going on holidays and taking in useless advice… Through it all, I was ignoring the voice within.
The mind was making it all about me. I was wallowing in self-pity, instead of seeing the situation from another perspective.
I should have realized that, if this was, in fact, what my wife wanted, it was best to let her go and find happiness elsewhere.
But the mind has a way of consuming you, of splitting you so wide open, that it creates a chasm between you and your inner voice.
When negative thoughts run through your mind, they build up negative energy… To such an extent that they disrupt not only your life, but even the lives of those around you.
I sensed that my thoughts and actions were also affecting my daughter… Thus it became more important for me to take stock of the situation quickly. I had another life to think of — I couldn’t endanger her because of my own psychological drama.
Then, one day, my family suggested I try some form of meditation or yoga. I mulled over the idea for months, but finally gave in and learned a meditation practice.
It slowly started working. I could sense the change in me…I began to unwire, untangle… The uneasiness within gave way to a sense of calm and peace.
My mind began to open up to newer possibilities, those I couldn’t even imagine earlier.
I soon realized that the mind only magnifies pain, and hence the more you distance yourself from it, the more ease you feel…
That’s what meditation does — It creates a distance between you and your mind!
I no longer needed any intoxication or external crutch. These tools didn’t control me anymore, and neither did the mind… I had successfully distanced myself from it all.
Through meditation I learned the mind cannot be controlled, but you can step away from it, and let it not control you.
I am now more at ease with myself. I can run, swim, do my meditation practices, and spend time with nature with complete ease — all phenomenal tools to ease an unsettled mind.
I am also less angry with things around me. I surrender to the situation and offer least resistance… As a result of which everything starts to fall into place naturally.
Here are a few of my takeaways from the journey of moving from an ill mind to a mindful one…which is more settled, alert, aware and positive to life situations:
1. It’s important to take stock: It’s easy to keep wallowing in self-pity, but that’s no solution. There will come a time when you realize that your life is yours, and you are completely responsible for its making and unmaking. Hence, take life situations in your hand, and steer them in the direction that works best for you and those around you.
2. All your answers are within: No matter where you look or who you look to, finally the only way out is to look inward. No amount of work or substance or even astrologers can give you the answers to your problems. So take time out to meditate, introspect, and find the best path for your life.
3. The present is all there is: Stop looking at the past, stop expecting it to change… Like the saying goes: ‘You cannot turn the clock back’. Looking back only causes more pain, suffering, and disregards the future, which could be as bright as you want it to be. The most effective way, thus, is to live in the present moment — to know that you are here and alive, and that’s all that matters.
4. Don’t make it about you: Yes, you are no one in the big scheme of things… The world existed before you, and will exist after. Hence, don’t give yourself too much importance… Instead, give what you do importance, and give importance to how you make people feel. When you shift focus from ‘I’ to ‘you’, you will become more giving, loving and compassionate.
5. You are not your thoughts: The mind is merely a tool to be used to get things done; it is not life itself. Like any other part of your being, let the mind function the way it does, without you identifying with it. If you let your mind control you, it will eventually affect your mental health. Instead, let it do its own thing and try to find joy in other aspects.
6. There is no good or bad: We can’t clearly define things as good or bad, negative or positive, black or white. There will be shades of grey, and hence our responses will also vary depending on the situation at hand. But realize that whatever you have got into, you can also get out of. Similarly, if your thoughts or actions led to a depressed frame of mind, you could also use thoughts and actions to get out of it. Your health and well-being are in your hands…all you need to do is be more mindful of them.
While I haven’t become a saint, I definitely feel more settled in mind and emotion. I am now more aware and conscious of my thoughts, actions, and emotions. I see the world for what it is, and distance myself when needed from the constant chatter.
I am also more open to exploration, and willing to accept that I don’t know it all. An active intelligence has come into play, and now there is clarity even in confusion…
But the most useful aspect of this awareness is that I can pass it down to my daughter, through my actions and words, as children observe and absorb what their parents do. Hopefully, she too will consciously use these tools of meditation and awareness to build a sensible life for herself.
Being a single parent is tough, and we use whatever coping mechanisms we can to maintain our health, sanity, and well-being, and that of our children too.
These were some of mine, I’d love to know more about your journey as a single parent, either in the comment box below or through email on souldads@souldads.com
And, if you liked the post, do applaud, share, and follow Soul Dads for more… Till the next post, take care and stay in the best of health!
