My Top 3 Ideas on Conscious Parenting
7 years as a single father taught me how to listen to my inner voice and make more compatible choices for my daughter and I
Over the past few years, I have had no time to look back and think about what kind of parent I was. I had no time to give myself labels or pat myself on the back. I was busy getting my hands dirty on the job, and at times, introspecting on the inner transformative journey.
I didn’t even track my personal growth, and perhaps there is no measure to do so. What mattered to me was simply responding to the demands of the day, and fulfilling them. My daughter’s care was the focus of all my efforts.
During the journey, we both faced several ups and downs, but I soon realised this was part of the process of transformation. Today, I remain unaffected by external circumstances, and feel they only make me a more mindful parent.
So, here are some of my key lessons learned on mindful and conscious parenting.
Don’t compare yourself with other parents
When my daughter first came into my care, I would often compare myself with other dads around me. This made me lose focus on my main job as a parent — understanding my child’s needs.
But parenting is not a race, and you don’t look back to see who overtakes you, and makes it first to the finish line. Your reward is not how others perceive you, but how your child responds to your love and care — both of which are unconditional.
If you start aping other parents, you will do “their” best and not “your” best. It’s important though to do your best, and simply try to do better each day. If, as a parent, you become competitive, then your child too will absorb the trait, and become dissatisfied as a result of comparison with others.
Initially, I’d buy my daughter things she didn’t even need. Perhaps, it was because I saw other parents buy those things for their kids. But, I soon realised she didn’t even value those things; all she needed was my presence and involvement.
So, after some introspection, I decided to be a more hands-on father. I started doing things for her myself like picking out her clothes, getting her ready for school in time, and taking her for classes. Today, I know she values those acts more than anything else.
By comparing myself with other dads, or wondering how they perceived me, I was doing an injustice to both my growth and hers. It was not important to prove anything to anyone, but to grow from my learnings as a parent!
Set a good example by pushing your limits
The past few years have been a roller coaster ride, with some good days and some not-so-good. External events may have thrown me off guard at times, but internally I was only becoming stronger.
One of the most important lessons I learned was to take charge of my life, in order to take better care of my daughter. I realised I couldn’t run away from the situation, but had to do whatever it took to be there for her. Facing my responsibilities was the best example I set for myself and for those around me.
Parenting is not always a smooth ride, but one has to do it gracefully nonetheless. Children observe and absorb everything like sponges. They notice the way you sit, eat, and even the language you use. Thus, we have to become conscious of our words and actions.
When I used to get disappointed, I realised my disappointment got transferred to my child too. That’s when I knew I had to switch the mood for the benefit of both of us.
Kids will become like their parents when they grow up, so it’s necessary for us to keep going, and show them not to give up, and persevere despite the challenges life throws up.
Also, we must continue to be true to who we are rather than giving into any self-imposed pressure of how society may view us. Your thoughts and lifestyles choices may not always align with those around you, but keep doing what you believe in, and continue to live sensibly, because that’s the best example to set for your child.
I don’t consider myself an “ideal” dad, and I may have messed up at times, but by and large I try to live sensibly, and don’t let small hiccups of life bog me down. As a result, my daughter is also more grounded and stands by me with equanimity and balance.
As parents, the mistake we often make is to believe we have to live the way others want us to. It is then that we start living robotically, without becoming conscious of what we do. We should not even want our children to become like us, but better than us. This will happen when we show conviction in our life choices, and encourage our children to do the same.
If we make a mistake, we must own up to it, and rectify it. Conducting ourselves graciously in front of children, even at times of adversity, is crucial. We must maintain our calm and cool, and show kids there is a solution to every problem.
I also try not to identify myself with things, because the child will do the same. Identifying with a particular lifestyle or certain things is not an ideal example to set. Remember you are using things, and not the other way round.
Finally, don’t get to serious about life. Joke around a bit. This will help your child understand that difficult situations can be handled joyfully, and they shouldn’t take life too seriously.
Create a loving environment for growth
To create a loving caring environment for your children is essentially to create a safe and secure space for them to grow in. It also means helping them develop a sound foundation from within.
Everything in life needs to be nurtured, like gardeners watering plants with love and care, not knowing what fruit they will bear. Our job is not to burden children with our expectations or failures, but to allow them to naturally move toward what they have an aptitude for.
I was trying to teach my daughter things like anger management and other behavioural stuff, even though it didn’t work for me. All I needed was to bring balance within, and create a loving space for her to blossom in.
When such a space is created, kids will feel free to experiment with their talents, and understand the world in their own way. Young minds have a certain level of genius in them, and if we just keep quiet and listen to them, you will see they come up some ingenious ideas, which parents too can learn from.
So, instead of wiring their brains like ours, give them a loving and caring platform to express their unique selves!
Guru Purnima was celebrated last week in India as a mark of appreciation for all those who’ve taught us valuable life lessons. Parents are children’s first reference points, their first guides. Thus we have to become their beacons of light, guiding them on paths they choose, and creating a loving space for them to play, rest and grow in.
The word “guru” means one who dispels darkness. As parents, even though we may not have the answers to everything, we can give our children comfort in the knowledge that we are there with them to help find the answers. Sometimes being the light is simply about being present!
As a SoulDad, my aim is to help parents and children grow in meaningful and spiritual ways. I do this by sharing my experiences, and invite you to do the same by sharing your unique parenting experiences in the comment box below.
And, if you liked the blog, do applaud, share and follow SoulDads for more.
