My Daughter was Heartbroken When She Heard the News…
My ex-wife called me to say she was moving on and remarrying shortly. She wanted to convey the news to our daughter herself, in person.
You always feel you’ve moved on from a relationship, till such a time as the other person says he/she is remarrying… That’s when you realise that perhaps you were still a wee bit hopeful, or that you haven’t healed completely, because emotions like anger and hate surface once again.
I knew we would both move on…but that it would happen so soon, and for her to announce it first, completely took me by surprise.
So, I told her she could talk to our daughter whenever she wanted to, without really understanding the impact of what would transpire thereafter…
When my daughter returned home from visiting her mother, I enquired about their conversation, as she didn’t seem disturbed at all. I guess we both were just putting on a brave front, without understanding what we really felt.
It’s at times like these that you are once again confronted with unresolved emotions…
I had thought my irritation and anger, from the early days of separation, had totally subsided…but they reared their ugly heads once again!
Of course, this time the emotions were not as intense… Perhaps these were the last residues…the final pieces that were waiting to be joined back to make the whole me.
The next few days, that followed the news, took me back into my shell… I once again started snapping at the smallest issue.
My daughter observed my behaviour and followed suit… She realised it may never be the same again, with her mother starting a new family with someone else. To express her emotions and fears, she often broke into tears.
She then suggested that I too should start a family of my own. She perhaps didn’t want to be disappointed once again, and thought this way she may also find a new mother.
With my spiritual practices, I have understood that voids are not meant to be filled with something or someone from outside of you.
No person or situation can help you feel content…that needs to be worked out on your own!
After working on myself for all these years, I am now at a place where I know that someone should enter my life in the fullness of my being, rather than to fill the void left by my ex-wife.
I wanted my daughter to get to that place too…
I wanted to help her understand that her mother was not going anywhere, but that she would just get a little busier with her new life, and perhaps not meet her that often… But that her mother would always love her the same way, and be there for her.
Her mother communicated the same thoughts to her… The little girl, though, was unable to accept it, and tears kept falling from her eyes. I soon decided to get hold of my emotions, so that I could help my daughter manage hers.
Over the next few days, I spent more time with her. We spoke about her days at school, took short vacations, and played games together.
Once you decide to take stock of a situation, negative emotions fade away, and so does the blame game.
I was now actually happy that my wife was moving on. There was complete closure…she had put ’the final nail in the coffin’, as the saying goes. A sense of release swept over me, and I began to feel much lighter.
I spent more time with my daughter to reassure her that I will always be there for her. This settled both our turbulent emotions. By giving her complete focus and attention, she also got the space to vent any emotions and thoughts, that would help her process the situation better.
My daughter’s biggest fear was that her mother would not love her as much after she started a new family.
Through the medium of play and conversation, I reassured my daughter that I would always be there for her, and that, in due course, if I meet someone I would also think about getting remarried… But not just to fill a void, as that would not work. I tried telling her all this in a language she could understand…and I hope she did!
My daughter slowly settled down and got back to being her playful and joyful self. This was also largely because she saw me accept the news well. In her own way, she was simply concerned about me, and wanted me to be happy too.
A few weeks later, when we were travelling, we heard the news about my ex-wife’s wedding, and saw pictures of it. At that moment, I was genuinely happy for her and wished her well. On seeing my reaction, my daughter too felt happy for her.
Of course, she still misses meeting her mom every weekend, but understands that though she now has a new life, the bond and love between them will continue.
Life just gave me a new opportunity to get rid of my hidden emotions and get closer and more responsible toward my daughter.
I want to work with her to ensure she has no feelings of resentment toward anyone when she grows up, as these emotions can be draining and stifling while exploring one’s true life potential.
During the process, I also realised that it was important to be completely honest with my daughter. I should not twist any facts just to make her feel better. She needed to realise that ‘it is what is’, and come to terms with the situation nonetheless… On my part, I can give her all the stability, love and affection she needs.
Looking back, I now feel extremely grateful to my spiritual practices that helped me stay calm during the whole situation.
I didn’t go back to being a complete mess, and could pick up the pieces quickly…and be the rock that my daughter needed me to be.
More of such issues may crop up in the future, but I now feel more clarity in dealing with them. The situation at home too, with my daughter, is more settled and peaceful.
I’m sure there may be more news to follow, and how well we respond to it, is yet to be seen.
At the end of it all, it was a learning experience. An eye opener, that when one door closes another opens, because now my daughter is more ready for me to move on as well.
I don’t know what life has in store for me, and that makes it more exciting… But what has helped the most, is letting go of any mental and emotional blocks, and finally finding closure, and a sense of being healed.
I eagerly await the next phase of our lives, and together with my daughter hope to make it a much happier and joyful one!
If you liked the blog, do applaud it, share it with your network, or follow Soul Dads for more!
