Where Do I Go From Here?
I often wake up in the middle of the night angry and frustrated…I feel lack of control over my life, and the direction it will take. I guess that’s what happens when life suddenly doesn’t go the way you want…
In the years prior to my separation, life always went as planned. Many a times there was no plan, and everything just flowed naturally.
Till one day, as the phrase goes — S#*t hit the ceiling…and soon an awakening process began. Ever since, life doesn’t feel the same again.
Perhaps, the derailment was necessary for me to walk the path I am on now… Perhaps, a high power has the controls, and I am a mere puppet!
In my quest to seek answers — like most Indians do — I took recourse to astrologers. One predicted I would go through a broken marriage. The astrologer predicted several other things too, most of which had happened.
If everything is already written (predestined), or controlled by someone else — in your growing years by your parents, and in later years by a higher force — then what exactly is in your control?
In spirituality, one is often told that the reins of your life lie in your hands, and your life is largely made up of your karma, or actions… Why then do we still feel utter lack of control over our lives?
Is it a midlife crisis…that sense of losing the past — or your youth — as you gradually transition into an older phase of life?
A midlife crisis is often described a phase where one begins to assess the various goals one had set out to achieve, but has failed to do so… This brings with it questioning, seeking answers, and the need to develop a new roadmap for the future.
I don’t know if I’m going through a midlife crisis, but I have definitely embarked on an awakening process, where my true self is beginning to unfold…
The process of self-transformation can be both discomforting and intriguing at the same time.
The awakening process also brings with it spells of intense introspection, and moments of complete uncertainty and doubt. Though my spiritual practices have helped me overcome these feelings in some way, questions still persist.
Here, I list some of those nagging questions, and attempt to answer them.
1) Why do emotions like fear, anger and anxiety overtake me?
I’ve been actively walking on the spiritual path for the last five years… I listen to talks by wise people, make time each day for meditation, and volunteer for causes I believe in. After everything, I still feel moments of sheer anger and frustration…
But, the good part now is that, I no longer lean on anything outside of me for support, like alcohol or frivolous relationships.
I have broken away from cyclical patterns that I once thought were helping me ‘get over’ something.
I am also more aware of how emotions shape our thoughts, and consequently determine our life events… While I cannot control them totally, I can still be mindful of them, and ensure they don’t cause further damage.
2) Why does money still rule my mind?
I feel that my greed and love for money prevent me from reaching my ultimate goals. It probably also inhibits me from trying out new things in my business and life… Perhaps, I don’t want to disturb my existing lifestyle.
I now realise that greed and money are indeed my crutches… Eventually, by letting go of them, they will become a means for me to pursue a new dream.
My family members broke away from their old lives, and created new businesses… Maybe, I will too, it’s just a question of feeling ready!
3) Is it time for me to move on, and do something else?
Sometimes, I feel I need to venture out and start something on my own. But fear soon sets in, and I hesitate to take the first step. It may be the fear to lett go of the familiar, and discover something new, or…
It could be the fear of losing everything or failing at something new.
But there is still the curiosity to go beyond myself, and set new goals. Sooner than later, I will gather the courage to answer the calling and create from scratch. And, hopefully, I will not fear loss or failure, but simply create for the sake of creating.
4) Am I solely responsible for everything that goes wrong?
There are moments when I blame everyone around me for what’s gone wrong… These are probably moments of weakness, when emotions and thoughts overtake me.
I the recall my spiritual lessons, and realise that it’s easier to put the blame on others, and not take responsibility for your life, but…
It’s more difficult to take the onus on yourself, and bring about the necessary change in your thoughts, habits, and patterns.
5) Is the path to liberation already set for me?
Is this the real test then — a time to purify myself, dissolve my karmas, and walk toward self-realisation? If so, why is the material world still pulling me back?
These questions arise because I have already taken the first few steps on the path. I know the journey is a long one, and the destination unknown, but…
My quest will continue…and, along the path, I will discover and rediscover myself.
6) When will I feel more settled in mind, work and life?
In the recent past, I’ve experienced one drastic life change after another. As a result, there’s been constant uncertainty, fear and anxiety… I sometimes wish these feelings would settle down once and for all!
Thanks to spirituality, I now feel a sense of greater calm while dealing with any eventuality. There’s a more conscious response to events, rather than unconscious reactions…
I choose my words and actions more wisely, and don’t get carried away by the moment.
7) Should I just surrender, and wait for time to work things out?
It’s difficult to surrender, and give up all control of your life… It can make you feel more helpless. Thoughts wake me up in the middle of the night, and the inability to see a future brings many questions to mind.
At such times, I meditate or chant aum, to feel more centred and come back to the now. These practices allow me to surrender to the present moment and simply ‘be’.
Years of meditation have developed in me the strength to wait out an event, and let time takes its course.
8) What stops me from moving to the next stage?
Sometimes, I feel internal or external hurdles stop me from crossing over, from making that necessary switch from to the next stage. It could even be my longing for a life companion, my hesitation to go it alone…
But, I question the need to get into a relationship again — Is it really the best way to restart your life? With spiritual aids, I realise that the fullness of your being doesn’t come from anyone else, but from feeling complete within…
The answers are within you, and no one else can walk your path.
9) Is it worth dwelling on the past, or planning for the future?
I felt my first life jolt at 38, and wonder why it took so long… Was I meant to become a husband and a father, and go through certain experiences to help me reach this place of better realisation?
We can look back at the past, and keep dwelling on its role in our lives… But, when we do that, we deny ourselves the present moment, and the joy it brings.
I often think I should plan for the future, but that seems like a waste now, as anyway things will unfold as they will… All we can do is work at becoming stronger to deal with them.
10) Is there any purpose to life at all?
This is an existential question, but often crosses my mind. When you see so much destruction around you — in relationships, countries, nature, and people — one wonders about the real purpose of life.
Does life have any meaning at all? Wouldn’t it be nice to just live joyfully, as we will all end up dead anyway? Why then is there so much suffering and unhappiness, so many questions and so many seekers?
As I keep looking for answers within, I know the path will open up. The key now is to feel gratitude for everything life has to offer — at this present moment, in the here and now.
Spells of frustration may occur, now and then, but feelings of gratitude will help overcome them. Once I resolve these feelings, I will then move on to unleash my life’s true potential. Till then, I will wait and watch…
As I let go of the many thoughts, and accept the beautiful process of awakening within me, I look forward to this unique opportunity in my life — a time to reinvent myself, to live life anew!
If you liked the article, do applaud, share, or follow me for more.
