A Silent Pact Helped Father and Daughter Survive the Lockdown Better
When I asked my daughter why she wants to be with me, she said — ‘You are my papa!’
I hope a day comes when she says — ‘I want to be with you because it’s what I want.’
After spending so much time with my daughter during the lockdown, I’m sure she must have got fed up of me by now. It’s only natural…because, while most of us parents try to be friends to our children, eventually they need friends their age to interact with regularly.
So, I asked myself, will she even want to be with me when she grows up? Or, will she want to live her own life someplace else… As we grow older, she’ll see me for exactly who I am, and perhaps may or may not like the flaws that come along with me being human, and a parent.
Also, will I be able to absorb and live with the person she grows into…when she has a mind and life of her own? It may be too early to worry about these issues, but everyone thinks about the future.
Thus, I decided to work on improving myself as a person and parent, at least 10 percent during the lockdown, now that father-daughter have more time together… My ultimate intent is for my daughter to be with me because she chooses to, and not simply because I’m her father.
I also started thinking more deeply about what it takes for the people in our lives to love us — like friends, relatives, and colleagues. The answer to that is perhaps you have to fall in love with them first, and look at them as blessings or gifts in your life, that you treasure and take care of.
Another way is to first become the solution to any problem, rather than be part of the problem… When we offer ourselves to solve and serve a problem, we are more driven to becoming creative and compassionate, rather than feeling bitter and isolated or victimised.
This summer, my daughter and I silently committed to a partnership of doing simple things, that would help us evolve during the lockdown, so that once we go back to the new normal, we are better equipped and have some systems in place.
Here’s a list of what helped us create more harmony within ourselves and with each other…
1. Make a schedule and maintain it
I’ve realised that my daughter only follows what I do, rather than taking instructions. So, I decided to make a schedule and follow it.
I haven’t for once looked at the lockdown as a holiday… I still wake up at 5am, and do my yogic practices. Although I do not force my daughter to wake up this early, she wakes up on her own by 7am to participate in her online school hours.
Through the day we have a schedule set… She helps with the household chores, attends her Zoom school sessions, finishes homework and then exercises, and I help her with school work and chores, in addition to my work.
We both encourage each other on the days we feel lazy, and try to follow the schedule as much as possible... When I exercise, she plays, and when she studies, I work. This discipline has made a huge impact on our daily lives, and also helped us develop respect for each other.
Additionally, my daughter sets aside some days for creative activities and family bonding like board games where everyone in the house can get involved, including her grandparents… This helps us all relax!
2. Keep the body and mind healthy
Since there are limited resources, and especially limited access to junk food, we decided to use the lockdown as an opportunity to eat healthy and stay fit. We both got on to the weighing scale and set a target as to how much weight we wanted to lose.
We regularly monitor what we eat, and resist ordering in. We have slowly cut back all the extra munching and consume only food that is necessary. For instance, when I noticed my daughter was munching more when in front of a screen, I told her to do only one thing at a time. Now she’s realised she eats much less that way, and is also more attentive for her other activities.
We’ve begun to add more greens to our meals, and have seen a spike in our energy levels, allowing us to wake up early and exercise more. Moreover, my daughter brought my excessive carbohydrate consumption to my attention, and helped me cut it down.
I’ve begun to replace supplements with herbal mixes every morning, and my daughter tries the healthy decoctions too, to improve her immunity. She often accompanies me in yoga… Together we stay healthy and motivated!
3. Control your thoughts to control your emotions and actions
Children have immense energy, and, if not expended well, it gets released in the form of anger and frustration.
With no school and play, my daughter too was getting very restless. Even though I tried to divert her energy, there would be days when she would break down emotionally…
I realised the daily news was adding to her fears and frustrations. So, my daughter and I decided to stop watching the news every morning, as it would otherwise set an anxious tone for the day ahead… Whatever information we received from family or friends was enough; we didn’t need the added information from the media. This helped us get hold of our thoughts.
I increased my meditation practices and yoga, while my daughter channelled her attention on school work and some chores. She was playing a virtual house game with the family, and felt a huge amount of satisfaction after completing a task well… It gave her a sense of achievement.
In my free time, I’ve started reading and writing more, while she does more art. Both are now happier with our creative outlets!
4. Minimise your consumption and desires
This is a great time to practise this philosophy — what we have is what we now have to learn to live with. In pre-COVID times, we were always shopping online or offline, and sometimes even for things we didn’t need.
Thus, during the lockdown, we started clearing our wardrobes and rooms, and began to discard what we didn’t need. My room, in particular, was full of junk collected over the years — clothes, accessories, gadgets and stationery…stuff I hadn’t even used!
This worked as a cleansing act, and helped us realise how little we need on a daily basis… It also highlighted the value of money, and how we uselessly spend it on some notion of what we think ‘we need’. An extra pair of clothes every time an event came up seemed like such a waste now…more so, as we are not going anywhere during the lockdown.
The cleansing act ultimately makes room for new energy to flow in, which will give us the ability to kickstart our lives, with greater awareness, once we are back to our routines.
My daughter has made no shopping demands this summer, and is learning to live within her means. Even though her birthday is coming up, she doesn’t express the desire for a gift or new dress. This approach will hopefully help save the environment too in the future, as discarding clothes is a big cause of climate change.
5. Work on your relationship every day…not only during a crisis!
The gaps in our father-daughter relationship are many, especially in the absence of the mother… There is a void that no one else can fill. But, I do not want my daughter to fill the void by any addictions or aimless relationships in the future.
I know she often feels restless and not at peace because her mother is not around… At such times, I try to divert her energy in other activities like art classes and sports. Nowadays, since we can’t leave home, that energy often gets released in the form of outbursts, and in the initial phases of the lockdown, she would often start crying...
These outbursts needed to be handled carefully. So, I spoke to her, and told her that it was OK to feel emotional and that she should let it all out. I let her cry while I listened to her, and assured her that she can talk to me whenever she wanted.
I, in turn, confided in her my fears of the situation, and my anxieties while growing up. In those few moments, a nice camaraderie was felt, and we became friends rather than father-daughter. Now, we both support each other emotionally, and lift our spirits up.
The lockdown has highlighted many shortcomings and strengths of the human race, but if we look at each other as pillars of support, trusting our near and dear ones, and engaging in healthy and meaningful partnerships — with family, friends or the community — we can tide over these challenging times with ease.
Whether life goes back to the way we knew it or not, at least we would have become more capable and competent at an individual and collective level, with greater awareness of our actions!
Soul Dads is a platform for inspirational parenting stories at all times — the happy ones and the not-so-happy ones…because we know that together they make the parenting journey a joyous and fulfilling one… To read similar stories from us, follow Soul Dads for more…
