Don’t Let Your Past Destroy Your Future
When I watched the recent movie on the Indian mathematician and legend Shakuntala Devi, I realised why we are so caught up in our own minds, and do not grow into our own till much later in life.
In the movie, Shakuntala Devi could not forgive her mother for a mistake she made… Likewise, Shakuntala Devi’s daughter couldn’t forgive her mother for constantly uprooting her and not giving her enough time and attention, as well as separating her from her father.
Past negative experiences with parents, friends or anyone hold us back, and prevent us from exploring our true identities and optimum life potential. These experiences result in pent up emotions like hate, anger or fear, that go on to colour our thoughts and life perspective.
We continue to live small lives…almost abnormal lives…
Because we believe in ideas of what society calls ‘normal’. We see movies and commercials of a complete family, and feel incomplete if our own growing years were not the same…
Societal ideas overtake the true experience of living.
We may get educated in premium English schools, and acquire all the qualifications needed for a successful life, but emotionally we may still not be able to manage our thoughts and emotions.
But, we continue to identify ourselves with our degrees…and then when life throws a curve ball, we go running back to our childhood wounds, and live there instead, not knowing what to do next.
Have we really evolved then, or have we just grown physically and in age?
We may have lived a certain number of years and grown older, but emotionally we are still that small child, holding on to the unkind words or deeds inflicted on us several years ago…by people who themselves were oblivious of what they were saying or doing.
Holding onto past wounds limits our nature.
It prevents us from moving beyond and expanding our personalities.
For instance, Shakuntala Devi’s daughter in the movie fears that she will become like her mother. The venom in her heart for her mother restricts her growth as a unique individual. In the bargain, she also forgets that she can learn from her mother’s positive traits.
The world around us is expanding rapidly, and we must respond to it at the same pace.
For this, we must let go of everything that is holding us back. We must drop any resentments, fears or doubts that we harbour for any person or situation… Instead, we must try to embrace all that has transpired in our lives, and that has inadvertently contributed to making us who we are.
Also, we can try to distance ourselves from our self-created identities, and think of how we may have hurt people in the past… They may also be holding onto the wounds inflicted by us, and the possibility of their growth is blocked too.
We are so identified with what we have, that we have forgotten our identity.
We identify ourselves with our last name, house, bank balance, college degree and forget that we are way bigger than that, and that those aspects are just one part of the whole.
As a result, our understanding of life gets limited, and we try to fit into those check boxes, instead of discovering and celebrating our uniqueness.
This approach then extends to those around us as well. We become quick to judge others based on what they have or where they have come from, and forget that they are human beings first.
If you look closely at your parents, you will notice that everyone they are associated with has a different opinion about them. This is because each person in their life plays a different role and is part of a different situation.
One way of thinking and behaving cannot be applied to all people and situations.
In the movie, the daughter realised at the end, that she never really viewed her mother as another woman, with her own set of struggles and heartbreaks. She always viewed her only as a mother, who left every time she was called to do a performance.
This limited the daughter’s understanding of her mother, and she failed to appreciate her many facets.
Do not be too quick to judge another…
Take some time out first to know the person behind the situation. This will help you appreciate them better, and even help you let go of any past resentments.
If we look at people for who they are, rather than the temporary roles they are playing — as parents, siblings, employees — we may create a greater sense of inclusion and openness in our thought processes.
The limited identity we have created for ourselves and others will soon diminish.
The idea is to neither look down at anyone, nor look up to anyone…but to simply accept and respect them for who they are.
Many of us — like Shakuntala Devi’s daughter in the movie — revolt against parents not because we are becoming like them, but because we know we will never completely be like them… Some part of us is envious for what they have achieved in their lives.
But can we really blame our parents for everything that goes wrong — for our failures, and for how we have turned out?
We recognise our shortcomings, but we are unable to acknowledge and work on them.
For the longest time, I blamed my parents for my failures. Like all parents, they did things the way they knew best, with our best interests at heart.
But the blame game was always on… I took credit for my successes and blamed them for the failures.
Now that I am a parent myself, I realise what my parents must have gone through while raising us.
Parenting is like a tight-rope walk — a balancing act between what to do and what not to do…
Often, I wonder if I should just tell my daughter everything I know or do not know about life… Or, should I wait for her to discover life truths on her own?
If my parents had told me more of what they knew about life, I may have not had so many falls… But without those setbacks and learning curves, life may have been incomplete too.
So, as a parent, I just tell my daughter that there will be ups and downs in life, and that is what life is about. But do not compare yourself with anyone else… Instead, equip yourself enough to go through life effortlessly.
Everyone has road bumps in their life, and they will only increase as life’s challenges increase.
I know I have road bumps ahead too, and so will my daughter… I simply tell her all the options available, and then let her decide for herself, so that she learns to take responsibility, and does not blame anyone else later.
The blame game always begins at home, and how much ever you try to avoid it, both parent and child will blame each other for something or the other.
In the movie, the mother and daughter were at loggerheads because both thought they were right…
In relationships, being right is often the reason for conflict.
But if you want relationships to work, you must make the other person feel larger than you, and include the other in your life as much as possible. This will help you release any blocks, and you will both grow together beautifully.
Parents need not always be right, but they do have your best interests at heart. And, it helps to give them the benefit of the doubt, rather than resent their ways and feel anger within… If we do not, it will damage our own life and the lives of those around us.
In the movie, Shakuntala Devi’s daughter was frustrated with her mom, but its effect was felt on her own family.
Thus, it becomes important for us to address conflicting issues within as honestly as we can, for it not to destroy our life or the lives of those around us.
Life may throw at you circumstances — intentional or unintentional — which will help you release unwanted emotional blocks… Identify these, use them and learn the lessons from them.
Any emotional release lightens the burden and puts you back in sync with the universe.
Thus, manage your emotions, rather than carrying them within you, and destroying the immense possibilities of life.
The movie Shakuntala Devi finally ended with mother and daughter uniting and appreciating each other.
Likewise, if we can look at the positives in the other, and the positives in ourselves, life will become simpler, and our relationships will be filled with more meaning and happiness.
So, look back at your childhood if you must, but don’t let what happened in the past destroy your future… Instead, let go of limiting memories, and start building a new world of possibilities for yourself!
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