Why My 9-Year-Old Daughter Thinks I Need a New Relationship
My daughter is at an age when she’s beginning to realise the importance of relationships, particularly those between a man and woman.
I guess she herself is feeling innocent infatuations for the opposite sex.
Since I was in an all boys’ school, I sometimes get taken aback when she talks about the boys in her class with a hint of fondness.
In my mind, I think to myself — Do relationships begin so young?
But these are all just healthy friendships, which, we, traditionally brought up Indian parents, are still struggling to comprehend.
My daughter also keeps hinting that I should get into a new relationship, especially more after my ex-wife got remarried.
Children subconsciously know the importance of support systems, and encourage their parents to build the same too… It is we adults who get lost in our aloneness, and close ourselves to new love and relationships.
My daughter has been missing her mother, and is perhaps looking for other sources of love…
As adults too, when we are out of one relationship, we try to fill the void by getting into another relationship.
Thus starts the vicious cycle of unsuccessful relationships… Till one day, we realise that nothing outside of us can complete us.
Whenever I have lost people in my life — especially those I was attached to — the separation was followed by sleepless nights, anxiety, drowning myself in work, needless material indulgence…or, another relationship!
But nothing can fill an unfulfilled human being…
And, that’s something you learn only after the experience.
All external plug-ins are temporary solutions, and eventually fall apart…like a donor organ which does not fit into your body, if its specifications don’t match yours.
Voids are created by our minds…
From an early age, we’ve been programmed to rely on things or people to fill our lives.
As a result, we lose the possibility to realise our true potential. We stop paying attention to ourselves and rely more on the body and mind…
But the mind and body only ask for more relationships and material aspects to fill the void.
From there arise feelings of greed, insecurity, jealously, hatred, and anger, instead of feeling the true nature of life, which is joy, happiness and bliss.
Relationships are beautiful only when they come from a space of completeness…
If you are looking at them to complete you, you will mess them up, and get messed up in return.
In my earlier years, I used to lose my identity to every relationship — friends, family, wife…because I felt I was no one without them.
The primary concern at that time was to take care of my bodily and intellectual needs, and the secondary concern was to be with family and friends…
There was no space for me to discover my true self.
Moreover, I was always afraid to go it alone, and perhaps I still am… But there is greater awareness and acceptance of this fact now.
It’s probably for a reason then that I had to go through a failed marriage, because only then would I look inward, and stop depending on external plugs for support.
Even when in relationships, I realised I was not truly happy…
I would give my all to do things for those around me but resent it internally.
And, when I felt unhappy in the relationship, the next crutches were aimless indulgences and frivolous consumption…a total recipe for disaster!
When nothing worked, I took to spirituality, and today that works best… Because for that you don’t need to look outside, you just need to look within.
Today, when my daughter urges me to get into another relationship, I get worried…
I don’t want her to believe that only relationships will complete her… While I don’t want to take away her rose-tinted glasses, I do want her to first develop love and contentment within.
Sometimes I wish I was taught these things in my childhood…
I would have become more conscious of being content alone and emotionally self-reliant, rather than putting myself through the angst of troubled relationships, that eventually left me bereft.
Of course, we will all go through what is meant for us on this journey, but the way we respond to it is in our hands.
I know there’s an age for everything, but the boundaries are blurring nowadays…
I may be overreacting, but with technology invading all our lives, the ideas of romance and consequent heartbreak are bound to touch our kids much earlier.
I had my first crush at 16… Until then, I was in an all boys’ school, and the opposite sex didn’t matter to me.
Today’s children get fascinated easily by people and events, thanks to social media. They feel it’s mandatory to have relationships for their well-being.
The content they consume on the internet and TV makes them believe in feelings they don’t even comprehend yet…
Kids nowadays mouth lyrics they hardly know the meanings of!
Relationships in the media are projected merely as body-based rather than being about love and companionship.
I know this a part and parcel of growing up, as we did the same… But it still feels unreal.
That’s why I worry about my nine-year-old daughter getting carried away by infatuation and relationships at that young age
I don’t want her to fill the void of the mother-daughter bond with another relationship…
She should understand the difference, and only opt for a relationship when she’s content within.
In her earlier days, my daughter filled the void with shopping. All of this resulted from the subliminal conditioning of marketing gimmicks on different media.
It’s a struggle to protect her from everything…
But my job now is to try and educate her on the pros and cons, and create more awareness within her.
It’s difficult to share wisdom and experience with a nine-year-old, but I try to explain to her not to use anything as a crutch, be it relationships or things!
It is just your nature and talents that you should develop, and everything else will follow because of these two.
As a father, I would like to educate my daughter on the fact that relationships can be wonderful like those of parents, siblings, and the ones created outside the home as well.
Relationships needn’t always be about the body…
Instead, one can nurture warm friendships that blossom into something more beautiful.
While, we encourage our children to nourish and take care of their bodies, they must realise that it is not an instrument to gain love…that is just a marketing construct.
This will also help them see relationships as platonic, and not always physical, thus preventing them from being teased by their peers as well.
Children must focus instead on becoming perceptive individuals, who work toward realising their true potential, and contributing meaningfully to those around them.
I am certain my daughter will eventually make the right choices for her life…
As a father, all I can do is stand by her side, and watch her grow her potential!
How do you deal with your child’s infatuation…particularly as a single parent who does not have the complementary perspective of a spouse? I look forward to your comments on the issue…
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