How a 10-Day Silence Program Transformed My Daughter and Me
I recently attended a 10-day silence program. I was completely disconnected from the outside world during this time, as our phones were taken away.
Immersed in the spiritual program, the days went by like a breeze, and I didn’t miss my daughter much. I knew she was in good hands with her grandparents… I only hoped she could manage her daily activities well.
Whenever I travelled on work earlier, I stayed connected with her on the phone. In the age of face-time and Whatsapp, we are in always each other’s faces… This did not give us time apart to grow as individuals.Thus, even while away, I tried to ensure she followed her schedule, but it would often get messed up in my absence.
This was the first time I was going to spend 10 full days, with absolutely no contact with my daughter.
But somehow my anxieties all disappeared during the course of the program…something inside me knew she would be ok.
So, I thought of her from time to time, but did not let my mind give in to worry. On the last day of the program, I got restless, and ready to go home. I called her as soon as I got out, and to my delight she said, ‘How are you papa?’
Suddenly it struck me how grown up she sounded, still laughing like a child when she heard my voice.
She said she had tried to call me everyday, though she knew she would not be able to get in touch with me. She then said she was playing with her friends, and would talk to me later.
I was happy and relieved. Before the program, I was thinking about the worst case scenario, but what happened was completely the opposite… She sounded happy — I think the distance gave us both space to breathe.
We missed each other, but we got the necessary time to grow as individuals. After work hours, I normally spend most of my time with my daughter, and perhaps there is no space for either of us to grow as individuals.
Children need nurturing, but like everyone else they also need some distance at times.
In the absence of her mother I played the role of both parents,and may have become overbearing at times, not giving her the necessary space to blossom… I realised I hadn’t even taken enough time out for my growth as an individual entity.
When I returned home, her behaviour and attitude toward me was a big surprise. She was very concerned about my work day, and asked several questions about it. She also seemed far more independent, and didn’t need me around as much.
Children can grow naturally…it’s we parents who over-protect them.
The following days were spent playing board games, talking and laughing about things that we never thought we could talk about before… A new dimension had opened up in both of us.
My daughter became more assertive about her needs, but also had a carefree still focused approach toward what she was doing, including her home work...
We stopped taking everything so seriously thereafter. The whole interaction is now friendlier between father and daughter. We can speak more casually about issues concerning her mother, friends, family, work etc.
She definitely has grown up and looks at me differently. I think she missed me during those 10 days and realised that she could only articulate it with her actions.
The distance and silence created a deeper bond, one which has become more about action and less about words…
We understand and respond to each other much better now. The distance between us strengthened the foundation for her growth. It has also made her more affectionate toward me, and she has become more understanding of the situation we are in.
My daughter had a really good time with my family while I was away. When I’m around she worries about me, which sometimes stops her from doing what she wants to do with others, and instead spends time with me.
Her approach to this has now changed, and she does not worry anymore. She talks to me more freely and comes up with some crazy ideas and solutions, but knows I will respond to them…She doesn’t worry anymore,as she knows there is an open line of commutation between us.
The 10 days of silence, brought about many experiences within me too…an evolution of sorts.
But one of the finest outcomes now seems to be the unexpected turn in the relationship between my daughter and me, which has improved so much.
I may not do another 10-day program for some time now, but this one sure showed me that space and distance in any relationship is the key to making it a healthy one.
I am surely not running away from my responsibilities, but I can see how it has helped me respond to my daughter’s emotional needs better.
She has also become more independent doing her homework and class assignments on time. I do not have to monitor her anymore; her homework is done even before I ask for it. For her tennis lessons, she is ready to go even before I check on her.
I’m glad she’s developing a sense of responsibility at a young age. This side of her was always, but had been bottled up since her mother left… It’s now surfacing again, and letting her be the person she is.
With the help of spirituality, I can now separate from my loved ones without feeling much anxiety.
I have also become more involved in my daughter’s life, without being physically present always... Attachment has probably been replaced by involvment.
I can now make decisions for her with an aerial view,without being too emotional about it, and, of course, including her in the decision-making process.
I feel my sense of insecurity of losing my daughter has also gone. After my wife left, I had become insecure about losing my daughter as well. As a result, I often gave in to her every whim and fancy.
Our 10 days apart erased all the feelings of insecurity and worry within me. These are now replaced with a sense of fulfilment. My daughter understands this too, and doesn’t try to boss around me. She sees me for who I am, with a sense of clarity.
As parents, and particularly single parents, we all fear leaving our children for too long…and rightfully so. But if they are in the hands of trustworthy and responsible guardians, we needn’t wire ourselves up with worry. Instead, we should use the time away as an opportunity to grow ourselves, and gauge how the child can cope without too much supervision from our end.
A little letting go, can actually bring children closer to you, and also instil a sense of greater love and responsibility between parent and child. So don’t berate yourself too much with guilt… Know that your child will only learn survival skills — sooner than later — if you give them the time and space to do so.
What are your nagging fears as a single parents, or experiences that have given you totally new parenting insights… Write in to us on souldads@souldads.com
