Could Sima Aunty of Indian Matchmaking Have Saved My Marriage?
‘Was your marriage to mom a love marriage or arranged one?’ asked my daughter, while we were watching the hit web series Indian Matchmaking on Netflix.
I answered, ‘Love.’
Which got me thinking — Would my marriage have lasted longer if I had met my wife through Sima Aunty, the matchmaker and narrator of the series.
Probably not, because I was a complete mess within…
If I were more sorted as a human being, love or arranged would not have mattered. Because, after all, all marriages are arranged, either by you or your family, or friends, dating apps, matchmakers, matrimonial websites etc…
Marriages are said to be ‘made in heaven’
But, if there is hell brewing inside you, nothing can save the marriage…not even Sima aunty!
That’s perhaps why we are seeing more divorces in this day and age.
We have lost the connection within ourselves, and instead we go around blaming the world.
Till very recently, I did not have a handle on myself — my mind and body energies were all over the place… I was too full of myself to understand what a marriage needs.
I also compared my marriage to the marriage of my family members. I forgot that they had lived in different era, and that if I didn’t focus on my marriage, it would not work.
I took my marriage for granted…
I did not see what it needed to survive. I did not water the garden, but expected flowers to bloom!
I added more wealth and a child to the marriage… But, the most important ingredient — love, was missing.
Gradually, a distance grew between us, and we both could not understand what we wanted out of the relationship.
I did not have a drop of spirituality in me… The only spirit that entered me was usually after 7 pm!
My friends, work, and wealth grew more important than the marriage itself.
What’s more, I refused to take blame for what was going wrong. My wife tried to tell me in many words, but I was adamant, and didn’t pay heed.
Perhaps, in an arranged marriage, the expectations would have been fewer…as it’s more about merging two families, than two individuals.
When I decided to get married, I did not involve my family much in the decision-making. I thought I had the freedom to choose…only to realise later that my freedom would later become my bondage!
In an arranged marriage, when things fall apart, the family normally steps in and tries to resolve the issue. But here, I did not take help from anyone, and thought I could solve the problem alone.
Perhaps, if I had had an arranged marriage, I would have still been married…
But that was not the route for me as it may have been a loveless marriage… Or, a marriage in which I would be the same egotistic arrogant angry person that I once was; and I would not have got the opportunity to change myself.
I hear people deriding poor Sima aunty… But there is no right or wrong in this approach to marriage. It is what it is.
The most important thing is how you are as a person…
Can you see things with clarity?
If you start judging people, your vision will become blurred, and you will never grow. You will stop seeing people as possibilities, and only as problems.
When my marriage ended it was a blessing in disguise for both of us. My wife got what she wanted, and I set out on a journey that helped me grow.
Coming back to the show, my daughter got extremely interested in it, and when I asked her what route she would choose for marriage… No guesses for that one — She said, ‘Sima aunty!’
To which I said — ‘You are too young to decide now… You never know who and how you will meet someone. Sima aunty is a good option… But, it is important to first be a balanced person, and to focus on your education, work and well-being…
Once you are sorted, life will sort itself out!’
In my marriage, I realised my expectations were unrealistic… I wanted my wife to be like me… Wouldn’t two of me be so boring!
Maybe an arranged marriage would have reduced expectations, but it may also have reduced the love, joy and care.
Yes, arranged marriage may bring more security, but that security can also become a prison for both.
Your whole life may pass by before you realise it was one big mistake!
So, I’ve come to the realisation that instead of working on the marriage, it is important to work on yourself… To have a mature understanding of what life is about. Not the accessories of life, like wealth etc, but what it really entails, and what it demands of you.
Once there is a greater understanding of who you are, you can then decide to be with a life partner, in the completeness of your being, rather than as an incomplete individual.
The show Indian Matchmaking has become the most talked about in the country and abroad. Perhaps, it’s because it has come as a relief and hope for many Indians… Hope to the billion-dollar wedding industry that is dwindling due to the pandemic, and hope for all the singles looking to marry.
I watched it purely for its entertainment value, and took it with a huge pinch of salt. The show may have its faults, but who are we to judge?
The problem with people is that we want everything to echo our beliefs, and when it doesn’t we get upset, and our fragile egos get wounded.
When on the spiritual path, you begin to accept everything as is.
And, everything in life is spiritual, even the marriage process!
I personally don’t know what life has in store for me — marriage or no second marriage… But I don’t see myself ignoring Sima aunty anymore.
Our Indian culture is one of the best in the world…
Look how seamlessly we have functioned for thousands of years. We may have had various influences from all over, and this may have made us critical about our culture, but it has always stood the test of time.
The advantages and disadvantages of both love and arranged marriages are many… And, both are essentially alliances of two parties coming together with expectations and needs.
Some may want to tick off their check boxes, and some may not…and there’s no harm in that approach. But, whatever you may want from your partner, the question to ask is if you are sorted within or not.
When you are in a state of balance, everything will fall into place.
You will stop making judgements, and expecting the other person to change. Instead, you will put the other person’s needs above yours, and do what it takes to make the relationship work.
Spirituality helps bring in that perspective, because it makes you realise you are nothing, and so you include another more willingly into your life. Then a person’s good, bad and ugly sides will all be accepted and loved unconditionally.
In my last marriage, I tried to focus only on seeing and showing the good side of my personality… As a result, when things got dark and ugly, they fell apart.
It takes spirituality to help you accept all facets of a person…
It helps you see with clarity…without any prior biases, judgements, morals or values that you are full of.
Of course there is no full-proof formula to anything, and even Sima Aunty can’t give you one for sure… But like she says in the series, perhaps marriage takes a lot of adjustment.
We need to become flexible enough and bend to make it work.
Today, through my spiritual practices, I have become more fluid and don’t feel the need to mould anyone to suit my preferences…rather, I would like to learn from my partner and grow together
Instead of trying to take charge of your marriage or life, the key then is to first take charge of your own faculties — your mind and body…and to ensure you move through life seamlessly and friction-free.
Sima aunty is just a medium or ‘mediator’, as she says, in the larger scheme of our lives… It is finally up to us to set ourselves — or to ‘put our house in order’ — through spirituality, awareness, and a sense of responsibility toward self and the other!
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