Is Single Parenting an Uphill Climb?
A Survey by Soul Dads Reveals This and More…
I have been writing about my single parenting journey for almost a year now… The past few months have made me realise several things, the most important ones being:
1. You’re not in it alone
2. You don’t have to let the experience make you bitter
3. It’s time to create or be the support system, for those who need it.
With this in mind, I created a short survey for Soul Dads, that was circulated among individuals and groups of single parents. This was done with the intent to gain greater insight into the travails of single parents, and how Soul Dads can address our readers’ issues better.
The answers I got were honest, reflective, sometimes spiritual, and also very optimistic and enlightening.
For privacy purposes, I cannot share names of those who took the survey, but they ranged from recently separated, to some who were widowed, to many who had been divorced for several years. Participants had single parenting experience from anywhere between 2–17 years. All of them were Indian nationals.
Here’s a look at some of the interesting findings of the survey.
The decision for separation
The journey of a single parent begins the day one decides to call it quits and separate from the spouse. While some have no choice in the matter — due to untimely death of the spouse — those who need to make the decision find it extremely difficult to do so… It often rips them apart, as they know it is an irreversible decision, with great impact on the child/children involved.
Many also stayed in the relationship purely for the sake of the child, but one day realised that they just could not go on anymore, and had to be ‘free’.
Some participants felt that separation from the spouse was a no-brainer, an easy decision. Very often, the reason for separation was for the best interests of the child itself, and to ensure the child grew up in a healthy environment… This is especially true in the case of abuse, where one single mother said: ‘Had it not been for my daughter’s life, I would’ve still been where I was.’
The aftermath of the decision
Many parents could not gauge the exact impact of the separation/divorce on the child, but they did anticipate issues cropping up like anxiety in the child, or fears of social acceptance.
Some single parents were confident of giving their child a better quality of life, and felt that the child too would soon accept the situation over time, if they were provided with adequate nurturing and love.
One participant, who witnessed an unhealthy marriage, actually found support from her children. She said — ‘The children have been my sole responsibility since their birth. I have single-handedly managed them, except for the unwanted pampering by the father… It was they who asked me to leave their dad.’
The challenges of a single parent
Single parents face several challenges, one of the biggest ones being that they have to play the dual role of mother and father…not always an easy task! They also have to balance being the disciplinarian and the fun person…an approach gained over time.
Leaving a child alone with caretakers is also hard, especially for single working mothers, who worry more about this aspect. The challenges also increase over time, as the children grow into their teens.
Additionally some single parents said they grappled with social stigma, and their own personal guilt of putting their children through the ordeal.
Another struggle area, was managing home and work. Many had to take sabbaticals from work to be present with the child, and some also had to learn skills they didn’t know like cooking, processing paperwork, or doing bank jobs — tasks that were previously done by the other spouse.
Travelling outside the city, and late at night, was a challenge for women, as was juggling school extra-curricular activities with work schedules… Though, sooner or later, with efficient time management, and loads of mental strength, these aspects fell into place.
The evolution of a single parent’s personality
While one would say the single parenting experience can make one bitter, it is often seen that they do grow and develop into new and more responsible individuals… They come into their own, so to speak, and discover hidden aspects of their personality, as was echoed by many participants:
- ‘I became more responsible, cautious, alert, observant, patient, and ambitious.’
- ‘I have become stronger, and don’t wait for approval…In fact, I don’t wait for anybody!’
- ‘Sometimes I feel low…but I have now learned to manage things alone.’
- ‘I have become much calmer, and in touch with my feminine, nurturing side, that I probably didn’t know existed.’
- ‘Depth, empathy, strength, spiritual growth, inspiration, and material success were some of the biggest blessings of this journey.’
- ‘It has made me develop skills to do things single-handedly with precision.’
- ‘I have evolved completely… I can face challenges better, make quick decisions and feel the need to learn and emerge.’
The support systems available
Most single parents depended on family and friends for support. Some also visited counsellors. Many found great help from parents and in-laws, who chipped in with household chores. Some also believe — ‘the Divine led the way!’
But overall, most participants didn’t feel there was tangible support for single parents in the country. While many have resigned on doing everything themselves, some only rely on friends and family to fill in.
Some were of the view that, ‘If you look around, and ask for help, you will get it.’ While only a very small percentage felt supported from society at large, and from schools.
Most of them were not part of any support groups in their cities, but were happy to join hands with anyone who needed help. Some participants mentioned support groups like, Let’s Feed Bangalore, the SPI FB Group, and a single parents’ group called Singularly Plural.
The mistakes they think they made
It was heartening to know that many single parents approached their separation/divorce as a learning curve in their lives… as it made them a better version of themselves.
Since some were arranged marriages, they felt one must spend more time dating, before deciding on marriage… Some felt having kids too early in the marriage was a mistake, and one needs more time to be mentally prepared.
One participant even joked that if she could go back in time, she would marry someone else!
Another participant advised on having healthier boundaries in a marriage, and working continuously on one’s self worth, so as to stay strong and in control of one’s life decisions.
The advice to other single parents
Finally, our single parent participants ended with giving some rather optimistic advice to those going through a similar experience:
- ‘Be patient with yourself. Give your best to your child, but also give yourself some quality time away from the child.’
- Parenting is a gift of the Almighty — feel blessed, rather than wallowing in self-pity about being a single parent.
- ‘Be strong, be positive…we can handle every situation.’
- ‘Find yourself and never let it go for anyone, ever again.’
- ‘There is no right or wrong…just keep moving ahead, and eventually everything will fall in place.’
- ‘The sooner you go within, the more joyful your journey can be. Judgement and resistance of what ‘is’ will not allow you to heal or move ahead in life. There is more to your life than a broken relationship… Invest in yourself and your growth.’
- ‘Wake up every morning with a smile… Let go of all the hatred, and introduce yourself to positive thinking.’
On that positive note, Soul Dads encourages all single parents to look within for strength, and to seek support in each other, on platforms like ours, that highlight both the challenges and joys of this beautiful journey called parenting!
If you too would like to answer our survey for single parents, simply click here.
And, if you liked the survey and its findings, do applaud it, share it with your network, and follow Soul Dads for more…
