The Long Road to My Divorce
When I look back at the past four years, I often think, did I waste them, or were they meant to happen? Getting separated, and filing for divorce were probably the most trying times in my life…
When I introspect, I wonder if I could have responded differently — perhaps, accelerated the process, or kept my fragile ego aside? But these are mere suppositions now…because I responded to the situation in the way I knew best, at that stage of my evolution.
Looking back, I now realise that several factors may have contributed to the four-year long divorce…a delay that could have been avoided, but eventually worked in my favour, as it aided my personal and spiritual growth, and the development of my daughter too.
Here are some of the factors that may have led to the divorce taking four years… These are lessons you could learn from too, and prevent a needlessly long divorce, if you are going through one.
I was not equipped for change
I wasn’t equipped for drastic change in my life. When the separation occurred, I felt the ground beneath my feet move…it was a complete free fall.
In the initial days, I would wake up in the middle of the night, filled with anxiety and fear. I had no control over my mind. My marriage had made me too comfortable (even though it was uncomfortable for the other), and I felt incapacitated to deal with life alone.
This led to denial… I made all sorts of excuses about how this could not have happened to me. I thought, if I worked on the situation, it would change…The situation may have been temporary, and would eventually change, but I still needed to work on myself, and work very hard at that!
I didn’t see my wife’s point of view
Our relationship had reached a major roadblock… My ex-wife had been trying to explain this to me for a long time. I should have made it easier for her, and let her go more quickly, if that was what she wanted.
But I held on… Perhaps, because of my ego, that put me at the centre of it all. I could not accept how such a thing could happen to me. On the contrary, I held her responsible, and asked how she could do this to me!
My daughter also bore the brunt of my male ego…she became a bargaining chip to get my ex-wife back. I used all sorts of emotional tricks to lure her back into the marriage…but she was firm about not wanting to reconcile.
Memories and emotions consumed me
There were too many memories stuck to me, of all the times I had spent with my wife. From our memories as a family, to our dating days, to our holidays together, the memories were endless. Wiping off the eight years was extremely difficult.
Moreover, I was consumed with emotions like anger, guilt, and shame. This heady cocktail of emotions and memories took away my peace of mind, and made it more difficult for me to forgive and forget. But the saddest part was, I was living in the misery of the past, fearing the future, and completely forgetting the present!
False hope and guilt clouded my decisions
I was over confident that my wife would change her mind and come back. It was the general thinking — ‘Where would she go?’ This thought process gave me hope for a while, and made me delay the divorce procedure.
I also felt my ex-wife would appreciate the change and transformation in me, and attempt to reconcile at some point… Basically, I found it hard to believe that the marriage was over, and I needed to move on to the next chapter of my life.
Guilt came in waves too…where I felt responsible for the marriage not working. This was a feeling I had difficulty dealing with, and it also prevented me from letting go. I didn’t realise it then, but it was guilt that finally led me to the path of self-improvement and realisation.
I was still work in progress
When I started work on myself, I was a wreck. Fixing myself wasn’t easy. I didn’t need a paint job, I needed my very foundations to be rebuilt! It was then that I realised how important it is for us to keep introspecting, and dissolving our redundant belief systems, every opportunity we get. I soon started working more on understanding myself and the meaning of life.
It took me nearly three years to put things in perspective, and only once I could let go completely, did I put the proceedings in full swing. I probably needed this period to work on myself, and somewhere deep down I know my ex-wife needed it too. The proceedings only took place when both of us were ready to move on, without any guilt, fear, or anxiety.
It takes a certain amount of time for situations to find their natural and rightful closure. If it had happened earlier, in haste or by force, there would be no closure and hence no healing… Perhaps the resentment may have lingered, and hence life had to take its natural course.
My divorce brought with it many realisations… Apart from the above, I also learned that relationships demand we understand certain fundamentals of life. These may or may not be taught to us, but parents and education systems should start teaching the basics of relationships to children.
Our life may see many failed relationships, but coping mechanisms need to be learned at an early age itself. This will prevent us from moving through life on one wheel, when we figuratively have 16!
I also believe that adapting to change is probably one of the most essential skills we need to learn, and teach our children too… This will prevent them from becoming demoralised and incapacitated by sudden crisis.
Gratitude too plays an important role in our journey… If we can be grateful for all life gives us, even the not-so-good times, we can accept and deal with situations better. I thank my wife for giving me the opportunity to experience life more fully, and become a more responsive and joyful human being — ready to face any challenge that comes my way.
Now that I am divorced, I feel a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders… I feel ready to immerse myself in life once again. And the timing was probably perfect… I had enough time to introspect, learn and improve on myself… If it had happened earlier, I would have perhaps remarried quickly, and escaped the process of growing and working on myself. I am now at a more balanced place with a better understanding of life.
More importantly, my daughter, too, will perhaps appreciate the fact that I first took charge of myself, and became more settled…ultimately leading to her feeling more settled as well. The environment now is one of more love, care and maturity, than it was in the early days of separation.
My daughter will see both her parents happier, and hopefully, she will not resent either parent, or the situation, in the future.
Divorces can be painful, long and damaging on both parties… But you can approach it more consciously. We all make mistakes, and we all have learnings from them, let’s share our lessons on a common platform…
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