Should You Stay in a Marriage for the Sake of the Child?
My daughter witnessed several bitter arguments between my wife and me. At times she tried to stop us, but was often left in tears herself. It was only then that I realized that I had to stop before the fight gets uglier for the child.
Of late, I’ve been thinking as to what really causes marriages to fall apart…
I think it’s largely because no one has a good understanding of what marriage entails before they get into it. Many get into it because it’s a social norm… Some also get into it for the wrong reasons like security.
If the security is financial, then the marriage is built on shallow foundations. Moreover, if there is no companionship, and neither spouse can look to each other for real support, the marriage will fall apart.
Marriage is a two-way street and should be mutually beneficial to both involved, only then will it work. It’s also important to often put the other’s need ahead of yours, and make them feel important, that way they know they are cared for.
But the sanctity of marriage takes a whole new dimension when children are involved…
It is a minimum commitment of 20 years, in order to give the child stability till they go to school or college, and are capable of standing on their own feet. This is the level of commitment one should be ready for, or else it is better not to have children at all.
In a child’s foundation years both parents play an important role…
This helps the child go into the world more confident and secure. If one does not understand this commitment, that’s when most of the problems begin to brew in a marriage.
This was clearly the case in my marriage… I’m not ashamed to say that I was the one who lacked the understanding of commitment. Its true depth only dawned on me after my wife and I separated… But, by that time, it was too late.
While I never wanted to get out of my marriage, I unfortunately underestimated the levels of commitment it demanded.
I may have also wanted to stay in it for selfish reasons — like my male ego was hurt, or because of social pressures, or to have another child. Despite my shortcomings, the marriage meant a lot to me.
Now, though, I have realised that getting out of the marriage was probably the best opportunity the universe gave me — an opportunity to truly look after my daughter, without which I wouldn’t be who I am today.
My wife was probably more mature than me, and realised early in the day that separation was best for us.
I curse myself often… Had I been more aware of the commitment required in the marriage, I would probably have focused more on it, and made it work. But all things happen for a reason…
I now lead my life with a greater sense of awareness and understanding of how things work, especially in the case of relationships.
There are some who believe that one should not stay in a bad marriage, and get out for the sake of the child…
But if both parents are willing to explore marriage counseling (modern day spirituality with a certificate) and adopt a spiritual approach, a relationship can be strengthened, and issues may get resolved.
Before you leave a marriage, first try counseling, attend spiritual discourses, or try a meditation practice. Attempt them at least for the sake of the child, because you may just develop a better sense of understanding to stay in the relationship after them.
There are many who stay in a marriage for the security of the child and parent, and to avoid social pressure… But, anything done for the wrong reasons will only fall apart, with either of the spouses finding companionship outside of the marriage.
To find the level of commitment our parents had for each other is difficult nowadays…
Simply because the accessibility and distractions are much more! Our parents too had tough relationships, but they pulled through, because they knew the importance marriage.
The modern-day norm is to ‘move on’ — a term used so easily by teenagers today… Also, displayed in ads, social media, movies, TV, and dating apps.
Children absorb these ideas and when they reach adulthood, they too begin to feel no need to stay in committed relationships…because it’s so much easier to move on!
Moving on is much easier than working on something that requires devotion and focus.
A focus lost due to a greater fixation on screens, emojis and interactions on social media, where they are more comfortable with someone across the world than someone sitting next to them.
Some believe that you don’t need to hold on to what is yours. But one has to at least try before you come to this conclusion.
It is our responsibility as parents to tell children what being in a committed relationship means. Say it in words they understand, and tell that moving on should be the last option; encourage them instead to work on something they have committed to.
One needn’t have to choose between work and relationship…‘Work on your relationship’ can be the new tagline!
There are so many hidden questions and doubts in a child’s mind that we may not be aware of.
It thus becomes essential to talk to the child constantly, and encourage them to ask you just about anything on their mind… Be frank and open with them, even if the questions are uncomfortable.
So should one stay in a troubled marriage for the sake of the child?
Yes, if you are willing to work on the marriage, which is a two-way street and requires you to put your ego (false sense of being) aside.
In my case, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me, and that probably led to its deterioration. But I believe one should definitely stay in a marriage, and work on it for the sake of the child.
There is also no guarantee that the next marriage will be better than the first!
Everyone goes through ups and downs, and every relationship has conditions… Unconditional love is merely a myth!
Pressing the reset button on a marriage is tough, but if you look beyond mind and emotion, then your relationship will turn into something beautiful, and your child will learn and understand commitment, and practice it later on in life too.
If the couple still decides not to be in a troubled marriage, and continues to play the blame game — thinking you are right, and the other is wrong, and not taking any real responsibility — then the child too will imbibe these ideas about relationships.
The flip side is if they constantly see parents argue and fight, they will believe that is what relationships are about. They will believe power play is the basis of every relationship.
In today’s times, it is best to be clear with each other about why you are getting into a relationship, and why you want out of it too.
Also, question why you want kids, and what it will demand from both… If you hide anything from your partner, in due course the truth will come out, and more often than not, it won’t be so pleasant.
To be in a successful relationship, one must constantly work on improving one’s self rather pinning all hopes and blame on your partner. It’s also important to be open and honest, even if it is inconvenient.
Same goes with the children… Be open and honest about what you are going through in the marriage. Convey it to them in a language they understand, but don’t avoid the topic as kids are not stupid… In fact, they are probably far more receptive and understanding than most adults.
If one stays in a marriage just for security, it will only make you more insecure.
Security should just be one aspect; the more important one is love and devotion toward each other. This approach will allow everyone in the family to flourish.
If you stay in a marriage for all the wrong reasons, it will fall apart — whether it’s for the sake of the child or not.
But, if you stay in a troubled marriage for the child’s sake, and with a complete understanding of working toward it with commitment and devotion, then the institution of marriage will surely reward you… As will your children, who will respect the time, work, and sacrifice you put into making their lives beautiful!
Soul Dads discusses several issues related to children, relationships, education and single parenting… All with the view to help those in the parenting journey comprehend their situations and find some resolutions.
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