Art of Loving Fully
Exploring the construct of love
Every one of us has many relationships. Relationships with our family, loved ones, or even with our colleagues. It’s quite typical… well, there is no doubt why we are called social creatures. But why are relationships so critically necessary for our species?
Firstly, there is nothing more appealing for a person than having something meaningful and important in their life. Everyone hates boredom, and in certain scenarios, it can lead to depression or even losing one’s mind. But what about relationships? Well, there is no clear meaning of life. There are no solid and certain guidelines for living a good life in nature. It is an extremely challenging task to make your compass of morality among many shades of gray. Of course, there is a shortcut to finding some points for crafting your life’s meaning, and it’s called culture. How we act, how we interact, what is acceptable, and where the red line is — these are all guidelines we can find in a well-made culture. There are many cultures, for example, the traditions and customs of different regions, but microculture also counts. Microcultures of small groups of friends or family help us try to figure out the big existential questions of what is right and what is wrong. And with great certainty, I can say they have an extreme influence on a person.
As we grow up in our families, most of our core values are carved by our caretakers. We adopt the model of our parents and generally craft our first ideas of what love is, what is right or wrong, and generally speaking, what a good life is. The problem is that there is no objectivity in this. If you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you will have no idea that your crafted values are the reason for your suffering. To be sure, everyone in a long-term toxic relationship is pretty sure that this is how things should be. And we can go for bigger examples, such as an unhealthy relationship with a country itself. As Al Capone once said, “I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man.” Looking at Al’s records, we can see he has a lot of blood and tears on his hands. So the big question is, what is he having inside his head? What sort of twisted values can manage to hold together his actions and thoughts? And this is only one example.
But do we all differ? Or are we unavoidably victims of our culture’s blind spots or mistakes? Let’s dig deeper by using the word that can mean nothing and everything depending on whom we ask. Love itself can be many things. It can be support in a tough moment, or it can be being beaten down by a drunk partner. As you already wondered, the answer is hidden in childhood experiences with our parents. Certain cultures shape our understanding of things. And we have a great craving to relive the old structure of our days, despite how good or bad it is. Culture is the thing that makes a difference in our heads. If it’s swirled in our heads that it’s good, it becomes good. And it’s most probably better to use the phrase “used to.” By growing up, we want to relive similar experiences with our lover, and that makes everything a big challenge.
I am not saying that there are no examples of healthy relationships. But by far, they are an extreme rarity. Romantic love is about reliving things. But how far can any relationship go if it is built on the memory of our household? I know it can sound nasty and twisted, but chasing something that passed long ago is just another addiction and nothing worthy of being called love. The big problem is that time is always changing, and most of the time, we need to adapt to have the best possible life. In most cases, actions like this will most definitely kill love built on memory. If a partner wants to be a caretaker, then any responsibility you take will be a great turnoff. If the partner wants to have to exploit drama to feel any importance in the relationship, having a calm evening will be a turn-off. And the most terrible thing is that every one of us has this weird pattern in our brain. We think we already know what love is, and that is what can make us quite miserable: reliving all the sins of our parents again and again.
Love is quite strange… it’s always changing and it has no form. It is an experience of being at peace with yourself and the world around you. And by peace, I mean no passivity, but the necessary action. True love is about experiencing everything in this world with fresh eyes and a light heart. But to live life like that, in some cases, we need to throw away our certainty about things and become okay with everything we have no idea about in this world. Because love is supposed to be a choice, not just a rusty old habit.
With Love and Care, Darian
