How every conflict is an opportunity for greater closeness and trust
Conflict superpowers incoming…
Zero conflict is often a sign that communication is not taking place
It has become ‘sexy’ to never argue, to never have conflict. As though, this is a sign of a real healthy relationship.
‘If they cared, they would understand’.
I think this is nonsense.
On a long enough time horizon within any healthy relationship, we will experience tensions, frustrations, and differences in opinion.
Zero conflict often signals communication problems or that people-pleasing may be present in the dynamic.
This article will show you how to enter conflict lovingly so you can protect your relationships with the people who matter most.
So each conflict can bring you closer together and not drive wedges between you. And I’m not talking about the good kind of wedges.
The day my relationship with conflict changed forever (1.5 years ago)
My heart was pounding. Something was off…
I decided to wait for him to break the silence. I need not wait long.
‘Brother… honestly, I feel a lot of frustration towards you and I wanted to address a few things because I love you.
He paused. ‘I don’t want there to be anything between us in our friendship’.
We continued walking at a slow pace, a few meters apart.
A sigh of relief. My body began to relax. I noticed I had been clenching my jaw without realizing it. I felt my heart open and a deep sense of warmth and gratitude towards my friend.
He looked at me expectantly and I spoke, feeling more grounded than a few moments before.
‘I love you too man. And I’m deeply grateful that you care enough about our friendship that you don’t leave anything unsaid. That you name things, so it never becomes a barrier between us.’
It was his turn to soften. There was a silence then and a lightness we both felt. We laughed at how hippy this conversation might sound to passersby. Two men talking about their feelings.
He spoke. I listened. I spoke. He listened. And within minutes, it was over.
He put his arm around me and I knew that this was a friend for life. For we had mastered one of the most difficult skills. How to stay in a loving connection while being triggered.
Since then, I have used this skill in every friendship that I am deeply invested in. I have had 100+ difficult conversations. And every single one has come out with us stronger.
Powerful techniques to approach difficult conversations with people you love
1) Connect to your love/care for the other person.
- Connect to that you are giving this feedback because you are invested in the friendship.
- Recognize that it can be difficult for them to receive such feedback.
- Feel compassion for the vulnerability/nervousness the other person might feel, without feeling like you need to sugarcoat your feedback.
2) Express what you are feeling without accusing the other person.
Your feelings are your own; they cannot be invalidated. However, focus on the behaviors that upset you instead of character-assassinating them. This is usually what results in defensive responses.
For example, the difference between:
- I feel upset because you are judgemental/judging me.
- I feel upset because sometimes when I open up about X, I’m worried you might be judging me.
A is making judgment a part of their identity which is a character attack.
B is about you feeling worried that they might be judging you; no implication on their character while expressing your emotions openly.
3) Express that you are bringing this up because you care about the friendship.
Don’t let this be implicit. Saying this is a game-changer in any argument/conflict.
When you genuinely frame difficult conversations as coming from a place of care, the other person will open instead of closing. And conflict can only be resolved and transmuted into deeper trust when both people are fully open.
Integration time
A few moments of introspection can allow for better absorption of any material that we read.
- How do you feel about your relationship to conflict?
2. Which part of this approach feels easiest/hardest for you?
P.S: I call a lot of my close male friends ‘brother’. It is an expression of love for me. Sometimes, after a community retreat, I end up calling random strangers ‘‘brother’ which takes a few days to normalize. Everyone is all the happier for it.
