Setting Boundaries: Why having good Boundaries improves not only our Mental Health but also our Life
Good boundaries reduce stress. It’s that simple.
They help us take responsibility for our life as we don’t let others manipulate, abuse, or take advantage of us. It is up to us to let others know what our limits are and to reinforce them. Good boundaries let others know what’s appropriate for us and illustrate self-respect.
If I let others cross my boundaries regularly, I can feel physically or emotionally drained, so clear ideas about what I need helps me maintain a healthy, balanced life and not feel guilty about it. Everyone has the right to say no to things that make them unhappy or uncomfortable. When something makes me uneasy, it’s a clear sign that a boundary has been crossed.
Boundaries can be physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, sexual, or financial. They can refer to personal and emotional space, physical contact, and respecting our right and other people’s rights to say no.
I’ve also found that having good boundaries means not taking on other people’s insecurities and fears, and knowing the difference between someone else’s opinions, beliefs, and feelings and my own. In the past, I’ve had people try to convince me I feel a certain way when I didn’t, or try to manipulate me into doing something that goes against who I am.
Good boundaries mean that I also take care not to inflict my own insecurities onto others, which is something I may not always be aware of. I may expect other people to feel a certain way because it’s how I feel, or expect them to feel insecure about the same things I do. Doing so, however, might be violating their boundaries.
Having well defined boundaries can also mean not taking things personally. For example, someone else’s anger or misbehaviour might be more about their pain then it is about us. We need to be careful not to internalise their behaviour and make it a reflection of our own self-worth.
We cannot force others to have good boundaries, however; we can only take responsibility for making sure we set appropriate boundaries for ourselves and follow through on them. If we don’t stick to them, it tells others that our word means nothing and makes us more vulnerable to others taking advantage of us. We don’t necessarily need to give long-winded explanations or justifications for our decisions, just state plainly and firmly a reason for the decision. Melissa Flint, PsyD, Associate Professor of clinical psychology at Midwestern University in Arizona says, “The fact of the matter is, a good boundary is an explanation in and of itself.”
Dealing with other family members who try to push our boundaries can be quite difficult because it’s not as easy to walk away from these relationships. It can also be tiresome to set new boundaries with people we have known for a long time, when they’re used to things being a certain way. They may resist the changes we try to put into place, but that doesn’t mean we give up. Most of the time persistence pays off and people adapt to the healthier changes we set in place.
Having healthy boundaries is also about learning to mind my own business. This means keeping my business to myself and not getting tangled up too much in other people’s business. I need to learn what concerns me and what doesn’t. I don’t think it’s appropriate to get too involved in other people’s business unless my involvement has been requested, and even then, it may be unhealthy if it’s time-consuming, complicates matters, or causes unnecessary stress. I also find that allowing other people to get overly involved in my life can sometimes create more problems.
During my life I have encountered many people who have tried to push my boundaries. I remember one particular encounter when I was reading a book trying to destress and get some solitude and a woman who I had never met came up to me and started telling me all her problems. They weren’t major problems that needed urgent attention, just trivial things that most people wouldn’t worry about. As she was talking I remember thinking to myself, “it’s no wonder this woman has so many problems, she has no boundaries.” As much as I thought she needed to hear that as it would have helped her, I didn’t want to be rude. So instead I set my own boundaries and politely said, “I’m just trying to get some solitude at the moment so I’m going to go back to reading my book now.” She didn’t take any notice of what I had said and kept talking. I said it again with no luck and eventually had to get up and move away from her. Since she was not respecting my boundaries I had to respect myself and look after my mental health and energy.
I didn’t feel guilty about this because I didn’t want to feel emotionally drained as I needed to conserve my energy to look after my daughter. Dr Brene Brown, author and research professor, argues that we can’t show genuine empathy and compassion to others without setting boundaries. Having boundaries stops us from burning out so we can continue to give.
On the other side of the coin, we don’t want to have too rigid boundaries as this can stop us from having healthy relationships if we keep people at a distance or react in a highly defensive manner. This is when we have to make our own judgments and use our intuition. It’s also normal to have more flexible boundaries with intimate partners or very close family members. If we are communicating properly, those close to us will probably already know our boundaries and hopefully will be respecting them.
When I have strong and solid boundaries, the negativity in my life decreases while my productivity increases. While there are always unwanted forces around me when I interact with the world, learning to weed out the destructive and distracting ones creates more safety and security. It also allows me to focus on and connect to what’s really important.
For more inspiration on improving mental health check out my ebook Coming out of the Dark: Inspiration for Navigating Depression.
