We Are Caught in a Trap of Blind Praising Our Kids, and It’s Causing More Harm Than Good
Learn how to praise the right way.
The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.
— Peggy O’mara, author of Natural Family Living
Since the self-esteem movement emerged in the 1970s, experts and self-help books have advised us to praise children at the first opportunity.
“Be generous with your praise. Find as many opportunities to sincerely praise your children as you can.”
And we obliged.
We believed praise to be the magical potion that would make children more confident, increase their love of learning, and help them achieve their true potential.
Honestly, we went overboard.
“Your drawing is amazing!”
“You did incredibly well at this!”
Research suggests the way we construct our praises can
- either help them grow up into resilient individuals thriving on challenges
- or turn them into passive adults dependent on the opinions of others.
Therefore, it’s crucial that as parents, guardians, and teachers we understand the impact of our words and the way we phrase them.
This article will deconstruct what praise does, and provide a framework to help you praise more effectively.
Praise Lights Up the Brain in the Right Places
Why does praise feel so good?
A study shows that praise activates the same reward-related brain areas as monetary rewards, particularly the striatum.
It turns into a drug we love to keep coming back to, motivating us to repeat the actions that led to the praise.
Remember this: “… repeat the actions that led to the praise”
But Does It Help Kids Learn?
A poll showed that 85% of parents believe praising children’s abilities is necessary to make them feel smart.
We feel that praising will make the kids more confident and increase their love of learning.
It makes sense, right?
“If we praise them when they do well, they will want to do well every time.”
But, does it increase the love of learning in kids?
Research indicates otherwise.
The Problem With the Way We Praise
Praise consists of two parts:
- what we say to children
- what they in turn say to themselves.
You give your kid a challenging, but not too difficult puzzle to solve.
She solves it quicker than you thought, and you want to appreciate her.
You say: “Wow! You solved it in just 10 minutes. You’re really smart!”
What the kid said to herself: “I’m smart because I could solve the puzzle.”
What happened here is that she associated the ability to solve the puzzle with a personality trait — smartness.
Ability to solve the puzzle ⇔ smartness
Now, this is not what we necessarily want.
This kind of praise is known as ability praise, where we link an ability to an outcome.
The problem with ability praise is that when the kid encounters a more difficult puzzle that she is unable to solve, the motivation and belief drop.
She might think, “Well, maybe I am not that smart, after all.”
Able to solve the puzzle ⇒ smart
Therefore,
Unable to solve the puzzle ⇒ not so smart
Even when the kids can solve the puzzle with some effort, they think they are not smart because they have to work hard to get there.
Her self-esteem has now been tied to an external outcome.
Consequences
Everybody loves being called smart and tends to do things that keep them looking smart.
When a kid is praised for her ability, to keep looking smart, the kid might
- avoid situations that might bring her smartness into question. They would rather work on problems they could solve. Recall “… repeat the actions that led to the praise”.
- lie about their ability
- consider cheating to keep looking smart
When we praise our child for their intelligence, they take failure more personally and see it as a disgrace.
Research also shows that when we praise kids for their intelligence, they start to see intelligence as something innate — a capacity you either have or don’t have.
While the praise was intended to enhance their abilities, we ended up boxing them in.
Alternate Approach: Praise The Process, Not The Ability
To get the children to push their boundaries, praise the process that led to the result, rather than praising their ability.
“Wow! You solved it in just 10 minutes. You must have worked hard.”
This kind of praise is known as effort praise, where we link effort to an outcome.
While this makes the kid feel happy, it does not associate her ability to solve the puzzle with smartness, but with the effort that she put in.
Ability to solve the puzzle ⇔ effort
Now when she encounters a difficult problem, she would say: “Well, the problem is hard, but let me show how hard I can work to solve it.”
Recall “… repeat the actions that led to the praise”.
She wants to repeat the effort that led to the praise.
The kid would grow by learning to do things she does not know yet.
Able to solve the puzzle ⇒ I must have worked hard
Unable to solve the puzzle ⇒ I must work harder
Focusing on the process helps kids keep their self-esteem and react positively when things go wrong.
A setback does not reflect poorly on them or their personal qualities.
It just means they have something to work on.
They view intelligence as a combination of skills, knowledge, and motivation — things they can control and improve.
Caution against inflated praise
As parents, we often overinflate our praise, particularly towards children with low self-esteem.
Instead of saying “You did well,” we say “You did incredibly well”
Instead of saying “The drawing is nice,” we say “The drawing is amazing”
While this seems okay, inflated praise conveys to children that they should continue to meet very high standards and perform incredibly well all the time.
But, struggles and setbacks are inevitable.
Kids will often fall short of the high standards set for them and feel bad about themselves.
One day the kid is an amazing painter. Another day, when she sees others’ drawings, she realizes she is not as good as her mother says she is.
Ironically, parents’ inflated praise can thus end up lowering their children’s self-esteem over time.
In contrast, modestly positive, noninflated praise sets realistic targets for them, protecting their self-esteem.
Framework For Effective Praise
“Children need to be free from the pressure of evaluative praise so that others do not become their source of approval. “ — Between Parent and Child
We have to cultivate an internal indicator of success in our kids where they do not have to seek external validation.
The effort and the process in itself would serve as a validation, not the outcome.
This is not to say that we should cut back on the praise. We can praise as much as we want till we keep these in mind:
- Praise mindfully. Do not go overboard when you praise.
- Don’t get kids too hung up on labels like “smart.” This can make them worry more about keeping that label than actually learning.
- Instead of praising their ability, praise their effort, their concentration, the effectiveness of their study strategies, and the interesting ideas they came up with.
- Take an actual interest in their work and ask questions like “How did you approach this problem?”, “What did you learn?”
- When the child impresses you with her work, give them something more challenging, and praise their efforts towards solving that.
These would require more effort on our part but would serve the child much better than mindless praise.
Before parting, I would like to leave you with the following quote from Haim Ginott:
“Praise, like penicillin, must not be administered haphazardly. There are rules and cautions that govern the handling of potent medicines — rules about timing and dosage, cautions about possible allergic reactions. There are similar regulations about the administration of emotional medicine.”
