The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
An Opportunity to Create a Better Life After Hardship
If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal.
I’m in my late twenties, and feel as though I’ve reconstructed my life several times over in my limited time on earth. I’m constantly starting over again; whether it’s my environment, my country, my friendship circles, and most recently my relationships. In some situations I’ve enjoyed the creative aspect of it, and it feels empowering to own my decisions and but lately it seems as though time is running out and the version of me that should be settled should have been established by now.
The challenges most show up when I’m comparing myself to others; a habit I should definitely break out of, but also something I just can’t help but do at this stage. All my peers are either engaged, married, or having babies, and as of recently that couldn’t seem farther out of reach for me. I would love to have those things, but it needs to be under the right circumstances. Not perfect, but it has to be mutually respectful and loving at the very least. Unfortunately, my ex-partner and I have broken up in the last few weeks, and although life isn’t a grocery check list, it did feel good to have at least one milestone going for me until now. Although it would have been nice to have checked a box, this decision was the best for both of us, and I don’t regret it.
Even with that stance, break-ups are incredibly hard. No matter how much thought and emotion has been invested into making the decision, there are moments when I doubt myself or wonder if certain aspects were different if it could have worked out. But maturing is realizing that you can miss someone whilst simultaneously not wanting them back. I need a change, and for those of you who can relate, you might find this book as helpful as I did. My outlook is not serving me at this time; and the best thing to do in that circumstance is to read and gain perspective, in my opinion. Although I can’t make immediate adjustments to my circumstances, I can control how I approach life, which is where the book, “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz, comes in.
“The Four Agreements” has been in my “to be read” pile for a few years, and although I went into this read blind, I realised after having read it how helpful it can be. Although it’s approach is quite general, it’s the kind of advice that would improve your life on all fronts by encouraging us to incorporate those positive habits to become a better person. After what I’ve just been through, I was ready to surrender whatever advice was in front of me. So in honor of sharing the wisdom in these pages, here is a breakdown of the agreements;
The Agreements:
- Be Impeccable With Your Word
- Don’t Take Anything Personally
- Don’t Make Assumptions
- Always Do Your Best
Just by reading it, it seems simple, but these habits are a daily practice. It’s about consistently incorporating these on a daily basis to improve that forward movement. Not only are these amazing habits to incorporate, but I would imagine that these principles when practiced also restore a sense of confidence in oneself. Although we can’t control the way other people behave and treat us, we can definitely control how we behave ourselves. Approaching life with a sense of integrity and accountability forms part of our character, and character is not something that anybody can take away from us.
Being Impeccable With Your Word
The concept of adjusting our language to improve our lives may be somewhat of a foreign concept to some, but I like to see it as this quote that I’ve found some time ago, “Our thoughts become our word, our word becomes our actions, and our actions become who we are.” I can’t remember who came up with it, but I couldn’t agree more. The starting point of our journey to living better, is really as simple as promising ourselves that we will speak with intention and love. Not just to other people, but to ourselves as well. The idea of karma is very much present in this chapter; what you put out will come back. But also present, is this idea of speaking with the intention to speak on a frequency that promotes progression. Being impeccable with your word is an underestimated life skill, and one I hope I am already practicing.
Every human is an artist. The dream of your life is to make beautiful art.
Don’t Take Anything Personally
People act out of themselves and where they currently are in their lives. When people speak and act, it is mostly a reflection of themselves rather than you. Knowing this, it is easier to maintain a stance whereby you don’t take anything personally, however, it comes at the price of being self-aware. The book touches on knowing yourself fully to help prevent taking things personally; when you know and accept yourself completely, there is nothing that anyone can say that could hurt you. This self-awareness is completely necessary to build that relationship with yourself. You have to do the work where you’re confronted with who you are. It will be very difficult for others to impact you with their words after that; you will know if they are wrong, and if they are right, you have already done the work to understanding and accepting yourself. This agreement requires courage, strength, and ever more, forgiveness for yourself and that of others.
But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself. There is no way I can take this personally
Don’t Make Assumptions
Assumptions are dangerous; it is much better to ask all the questions to get all the facts you may need before drawing any conclusions. Expression is important, but clarity and thinking critically is even more so, I would think. The world is filled with opinions that are shared on a daily basis, and clarity is often lost in the process of all that sharing. Our assumptions are dangerous in that it can direct us away from truth, and cause us to hurt others in the process. Being able to communicate in a clear and compassionate way doesn’t only show off your diplomacy skills, but also displays a diligent and respectful approach to problem solving. Clear and effective communication effectively helps to avoid unnecessary drama. Making assumptions can only leave you feeling embarrassed if you’ve mixed up your facts, and leaves room to question your integrity.
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.
Always Do Your Best
This one is the most important as Ruiz reminds us that no day is guaranteed. We don’t know how long we have left to live, and to really feel as though we have made the most of our time here is to contribute to our lives by doing our best. In my opinion, it is alright to make mistakes so long as our intention was to continually progress to be better. Not only is it alright to make mistakes, but to consistently exert effort into our lives will align us with the kind of progress that not many people get to experience just because we’ve decided to make that a habit in our lives. Continually doing our best, puts us in touch with ourselves to the highest degree. We will never regret giving our all to any situation; in fact, it is very much the opposite. Living with regret is often stemmed in the realization that we could have done more. Life is a gift, so make the most out of it however you can.
God is life. God is life in action. The best way to say, “I love you, God,” is to live your life doing your best. The best way to say, “Thank you, God,” is by letting go of the past and living in the present moment.
