Is There Room For Selfishness In A Relationship?

How’s it going out there? This topic has come by way of an inbox conversation about selfishness. The topic of selfishness came about, due to me stating that “I’ve learned to be more selfish in regards to things that I want.” Below is a copy and paste job from the conversation. Let’s get into it!

Friend: “Thanks for all your messages, Ty. Selfishness is an interesting concept to me. What is selfish? Who gets to decide what is selfish? Lately, I’ve felt like what used to be called practical is now being called selfish.”

Me: “Cool beans! Well…selfish is being in a relationship or marriage…and ONLY looking out for self…failing to consider how your actions impact the person that you are with. My thing is…we are all free to be as selfish as we want to be…outside of a relationship…but once you enter one…you now have to consider what is best for both…and if you can’t do that…or show the person how they are going to benefit as well…then…you’re selfish. This is something that resonates with me because…I don’t knock people for doing what is in their best interest…but, if doing what is in your best interest…comes at the expense of the person you’re with…that is a major problem…it’s one that a lot of men have issue with when it comes to women…because as men…we’ve been taught to be the protector/provider…but, that doesn’t guarantee that we will get any of what we want in return. This is why I mentioned that I had to learn to be selfish now…I don’t have the protector/provider instinct anymore…now, I look at things like…how can this be mutually beneficial…without looking at that…I may as well walk around and just offer myself up to be used…and to be quite honest…that’s exactly how many men feel in marriages…but what’s worse is…to add insult to injury…men get to continue being used in divorce. It’s not instinctual for most men that love a woman, to be selfish. And many women…after being with a man like this for a couple of years…find that they lose attraction to this man…because to the woman…who is thinking about herself and what benefits her…many see a man doing these things…and think…he doesn’t love himself…and it’s a turn off…but, what really occurred was…the woman projected her view of love…her view of strength onto the man. Lol…man…I almost got started…could have turned this into a blog post.”

The topic asks…Is There Room For Selfishness In A Relationship? Ummmm…ideally…No! There “shouldn’t” be selfishness…you “should” be working together, building together, being considerate of each other’s needs…if…you believe in mutual benefit…now…let’s explore some things. I’ll warn you in advance that…just like in most of my writings…you’re going to read some things that you probably won’t like (translation…Women…you’re going to read some things that you probably won’t like)…but I’m ok with that…as always…you’re free to comment and we can discuss.

A reoccurring theme that I will not stop writing about is…Men=Protector/Provider and Women=Seeking Safety and Security. Again…I am not under the assumption, that ALL relationships are this way…I’m not a Black and White thinker…simply stating what is the common, traditional, relationship. Now…if you will…analyze which sex makes their decision to be in a relationship based off what will benefit the other sex…and which sex makes their decision to be in a relationship based off what will benefit themselves. This is important!!! I think if you look at that set up right there…you’re able to see which sex may be more self-centered. It may also make sense why…this would cause problems in a relationship…after all…one sex (Men) enter the relationship…proving that they were of benefit…they had the ability to protect and provide for…with hopes of receiving continued benefit (the Love of a Woman)…while the other sex (Women) entered the relationship…receiving benefit without necessarily doing anything more than…being beautiful and receptive…this isn’t to say that the Woman didn’t help the Man out initially…because that is also one reason why many men enter into a relationship/marriage…I’m just trying to point out the difference…Women don’t necessarily have to go into relationships, proving that they are able to protect/provide for the Man…so, what this means is…while one sex (Woman) goes into it because it benefits her…not just emotionally…she gets the added bonus of protection/provider…the other sex (Man) goes into it…with only what he sees in front of him presently. For clarity…the Protector/Provider tends to be the breadwinner…which makes sense, since Women=Seeking Safety/Security.

In the relationship…with the duty of being Protector/Provider…much of what a Man does…isn’t necessarily for himself. Of course, he sees it as for himself though…because he believes that what he does for his Woman…will result in him receiving the love that he desires. Meanwhile…a Woman often assumes that…whatever she does…is a good thing…because, after all…she wasn’t necessarily selected based off of what she did…but, because she was beautiful. Again…can you see how the way that we do things…can potentially create problems in a relationship/marriage? I would imagine that…for many who read this…especially women…they can list off the things that they do and have done in the relationship etc…and…I’m not knocking any of your efforts. I am pointing out the difference. But…if you still can’t see the difference ladies…do this…if you’re single…and you make a decent living…go to the nearest fast food joint…and give an of age guy your phone number…well…that’s extreme…how about this…seek out a man who makes considerably less money than you…and get into a relationship with him…what’s this I hear? No? Why not? Don’t get me wrong…I know Women who are married to Men who are stay at home husbands…for whatever reason (most of these women who I’ve talked to…can’t stand their husbands…and have cheated on them)…my point being…I believe that most Women choose Men based on how that Man benefits them…and not just how presently…but, also his potential…in the future. Would Women be interested in me if I didn’t have shit…if I was piss poor broke, and the only thing I had was my looks…my wit…my charm…my dreams? Would a Woman come along and pick me from obscurity…and GIVE me everything that I need to accomplish what I want to be in life? Sure…some…it does happen…but there would be a whole lot of Women who would never look my way…I wouldn’t be a blip on their radar…why? Because they can’t see benefit with me…and what is the benefit…Protector/Provider. Hustle…Leadership…you can’t have those things and be sitting somewhere broke, or underachieving…right? Furthermore…a relationship could start with a Man having those things…and then, unforeseen things occur…such as…getting laid off…getting injured on the job…and now the Man loses his ability to be Protector/Provider…and not too long after…he loses his Woman…and to spell it out…there are plenty of Men in current relationships/marriages…who have long lost their Woman…and the only reason why she is still there…is because she hasn’t found another Protector/Provider to take on her debt.

Is There Room For Selfishness In A Relationship? Well…how did your relationship start? Did you both come in taking the same risks? What I mean by that is…were you both somewhat equal financially? In general…people love to look at relationships strictly from an emotional standpoint…while also overlooking finances…this aggravates me. The reason why is…many relationship/marriage stressors and issues, are due to finances…so…why do we act like that isn’t a big deal? Check this out though…in divorce…when you go to Family Court…is there anyone in there asking you how you feel? Are there any talks of Love? Well, in all fairness…depending on the State that you live in…if there was abandonment, abuse, adultery…they may take the time to address those things…but, most States are “No Fault”…most States, divorces are “Irreconcilable Differences”…but why? Why can’t we point the finger and say…”the reason why this marriage failed was because YOU were selfish?!?! ” There would probably be another finger being pointed back at you stating, “the reason why this marriage failed was because YOU weren’t selfish enough!!!” But…that’s a blog post for another day…my point in all of this is…the traditional Man who walks into a relationship…is walking in, (generally speaking of course) not being selfish…he is Protecting/Providing…now…as a Woman…you may have other issues with him that you don’t like….but…he is doing what he is supposed to do…the traditional Woman who walks into a relationship…is walking in, because it benefits her…she sought and is RECEIVING Safety/Security…if you remove those things…then what benefit is the Man? Let’s be real…for many Women…they already walked into a relationship…making a decision which benefitted themselves…and they are with a Man…who gives…now…here is where the conflict comes in…I believe that most unselfish people, love the way that they want to be loved. If…your boyfriend/husband…is Protecting you and Providing you with Safety/Security…his expectation of you is that you will do the same for him…after all…would it make sense to be kind to someone…only to receive a slap in the face for your kindness? What this means is…YOU as a Woman…have to step outside of what comes natural to you…receive mode…and think about what it is that you give him. Do you cause him stress, grief, fear, heartache? Do you appreciate the things that he provides for you? Are you a nitpicker, a nagger, are you critical and judgmental of all that he does? Do you bring him a honey-do-list of MORE shit that you want from him…without necessarily offering to do anything more than what you’ve been doing? Do you disrespect him, talk down to him? Do you initiate intimacy? When was the last time you gave him head…not because it was his birthday…but…just because? Do you wait around for him to give you a feeling…so that you feel like doing some of these things? Do you tell him that you feel unappreciated because you cook and clean the house and take care of the kids…but overlook the fact that you wouldn’t have any of these things…had it not been for him? Do you have a bunch of excuses? Are you empathetic to his struggles? OR…have you ONLY been looking at yourself…and what you feel as though, you’re not getting…overstating your actual added value to the Man’s life…and feeling like…somehow…you got the short end of the stick?

Now…I’m fully aware that…many reading this will question and some still won’t get it…because they don’t want to…but…let’s put this thing in perspective. In the beginning…I mentioned Men=Protector/Provider and Women=Seeking Safety/Security…In divorce…what commonly happens? Isn’t it common that…Man is still relegated to Protector/Provider duties to their ex…no matter what took place inside the marriage? Isn’t it common for Women to receive more custody of their children, receive child and spousal support, a portion of a pension, a portion of assets etc? Why is this a one way street? Ladies…why not go out and work harder so that you’re able to Provide for yourself? Wouldn’t you doing so, alleviate the added stressors on the Man? Oh wait, that’s right…your concern wasn’t really about HIM…it was more about the benefit that HE provided…so, even in his absence…you’re still going to get your benefit from him. As a matter of fact…it doesn’t necessarily benefit a Woman to be a good Wife to her husband…because that requires effort…an effort that many Women don’t feel they have to give…once married…think about this…It benefits a Woman BEFORE marriage, to be the best possible Woman that she can be…Why? Because in doing so…the hope and expectation for her behavior is…the reward of marriage. But once married…where Protector/Provider services are guaranteed…or else, there will be consequences…she can now do or not do…what she wants…and many do exactly that…whatever they want…because they’ve been provided safety/security to do so. The benefits of a traditional marriage, are definitely better for Women than they are for Men. To make my point hit home just a little bit more though…How do we as a society, judge both Man and Woman…who have been in a relationship…or engaged for let’s say…three years? What are the whispers that the woman’s friends have? What are male pursuers of this woman telling her about the man that she’s with? I’ll speculate, and say…she isn’t hearing anything good.

I mentioned, in that message…that I had to learn to be selfish now…my friend mentioned that…what many call selfish, is practical…which…I happen to agree with…but the reason why I agree is due to the differences between Men and Women…and how we enter relationships…what this means for me personally is…If I know that Women are making risks assessments of me…in order to determine whether or not, I’m a suitable Protector/Provider, whether I have the ability to provide the Safety/Security that they seek (self interest/benefits provided to Women)…does it make sense for me…to not do a risk assessment of my own…on Women, to determine whether or not…a Woman is a suitable Protector/Provider for herself (self interest/benefits provided to Me)…notice…I still didn’t require a woman to be able to do anything for me…I want to make sure that she is able to do for self…but it doesn’t stop there…because there are plenty of women who are able to do for self…so…by this…I am referring to…financially…are you on my level or higher? Would we be taking the same risks, if we should enter into a relationship/marriage? Again…this sounds petty…and if you’re a woman reading this…turning your nose up…I’d be willing to bet…the reason you’re doing this, is because…you can’t see how I will be of benefit to you! But, while you’re still in the judgment mood…go to McDonald’s and ask the guy in the drive thru out? No? Ok…Soooo…if you aren’t interested in that Man…why should a Man be interested in you…if you make significantly less than he does? Why is it ok for you to make your selection of Man…based on how he will benefit you…but…you have issue with a Man who does the same thing? Is it entitlement? Are you going to rely on Gender Roles because that’s what benefits your argument so you can get what you want? In a world where…it is unpopular to tell the truth…because it’s offensive…here is truth…I don’t get to control a Woman’s nature…her likes/dislikes….her way of doing things…what makes a Woman happy in regards to the Man that she selects…the only control that I have is…who I allow in my circle…are you an asset or liability to me? If these things weren’t important to assess…Women wouldn’t have any problem being with Men, who earn significantly less. And let’s keep it all the way 100 here…those Women who don’t have a problem with it…are Women who either…don’t have many men beating down their door…or…the guy is PHYSICALLY…all the things that Women want in a Man…minus his pockets…but even when a Woman makes a selection on the physical attributes of a Man…that relationship will eventually dissolve, if that Man doesn’t start producing something.

So…I’ll again echo the question…Is There Room For Selfishness In A Relationship? Isn’t it already there? How has that been working out thus far? On that note…I believe that selfish people will end up by themselves. Again…look out into the world and tell me how many Women you are able to spot…over 30…and single. Look out into the world and tell me how many Men you are able to spot…over 30…and single…ask these Men, their view on Women. Ask these Women, their view on Men…both sexes are saying the same thing…they are saying something along the lines of…the opposite sex is selfish…they will tell you about their relationship woes…and what the determining factor for why they either broke up or divorced…and that too spells out…selfishness…but not always that the other partner was selfish…no…many times…you’ll hear…he/she was too clingy, too needy…too emotional…yadda, yadda, yadda…and what that means is…the other partner…more than likely…wasn’t selfish…no…they gave too much…The problem in all of this is…at some point in time…in a relationship or marriage…both sexes encountered, or have been the partner…who, was either selfish…or..gave their all…some people have always been selfish…and see no need in changing that, until they meet someone who they feel makes them want to be unselfish…but, instead of not entering into relationships…nope…they are the main ones in relationships…using…exploiting…then you have those who…use selfishness as a defense mechanism after learning just how selfish others are…so…every relationship that occurs after that…if, it involves more risk on their part, than the other…will result in…the person, doing what is best for them…at the expense of the other person. It shouldn’t be this way…personally, I don’t enjoy being selfish…it doesn’t come natural to me…but, I’ve also learned a very difficult lesson of why being Protector/Provider places Men at a disadvantage…So, while it doesn’t feel good or natural to me…is looking out for myself first, practical? Absolutely! Does it make sense for me not to look out for myself first…when YOU are looking out for yourself first? Not really. If I’m looking out for you (Protector/Provider) and you are looking out for you…Who is looking out for Me?

There are a lot of things that go into the start and failure of a relationship. I’m going to continue stressing a lot of things with Women, because I’ve learned just how unpopular the Male perspective is…and since it’s unpopular…the byproduct of that is…Women are used to ONLY hearing what sounds good to them…how they will get what they want…making it very difficult for a Man to interject and present a different way of doing things…Ladies…if you’re reading this…pay extra special attention to Men=Protector/Provider…this is important because what that means is…If you should enter into the common traditional relationship model…if you’re genuinely doing so, because you want it to work out…while I can’t guarantee that it will…what I will say is…make sure that you really are holding up your end of the deal…if it doesn’t work out…make sure that you’re truly able to say that you’ve done all that you could do…MORE is expected of you than just being there…just being pretty…stop patting yourself on the back…stop feeling like you’re somehow the victim…stop the entitlement…what are you Giving? IF…when asked…how do you contribute to your Man…you begin listing off…”I cook, I clean, I take care of the kids…” Guess what Ladies? In the absence of a Man…You would still cook, clean, and take care of kids…an extra serving, an extra plate and utensils in the sink, aren’t really all that laborious…so stop using that as your go to…It starts with you NOT continuously thinking about how you’re going to benefit. YOUR benefit is already there…NOW…it’s time for you to focus on…GIVING…BEING of benefit to your Man…the more good that you put in…the better your relationship/marriage will be! But make sure that good…is what the Man is asking of you. If I ask for an Apple…and you give me an Orange…what you told me was…what I wanted didn’t matter. And that too is common…Man will ask for one thing…Woman will give what she feels like giving…then get mad that the Man appears to be unappreciative of what she gave…lol…Ok! That’s it for now! I look forward to reading your comments.