A Seat at the Cross-Country Dinner Table
In the last month, I’ve interviewed three women from Alabama who voted for Donald Trump in the 2016 election, and four women from the San Francisco Bay Area who supported Hillary Clinton. The similarities in their feelings about the political divide, the role of the media, and many other issues were deeply moving and inspirational.
I was asked to interview these women because they participated in Spaceship Media’s groundbreaking Talking Politics “conversation experience,” which ran between Trump’s election and his inauguration. Talking Politics took place in a private Facebook group where about 60 women reflected on the election, their experiences of political polarization in the US, and their political views and core values. As Spaceship Media’s newest member and video editor, I was tasked with getting the participants to share their experiences on camera.
Before doing the interviews, I had only heard positive things about the original Facebook group—from my bosses here at Spaceship, Eve and Jeremy, as well as in the press that was written during and shortly after the group. But because I wasn’t around last year to see the conversation unfold, I didn’t have first-hand experience with what had really gone on in the minds and hearts of the women who participated.
I was nervous for these interviews — we were only asking the women to reflect on the conversation, not to share anything personal or political — but still, I was worried. I was worried that their experiences in the group would be similar to my own experiences trying to engage online with people I disagree with: frustrating, exhausting and largely detrimental to the overall quality of my day. I was worried that they would have nothing in common, and nothing that would unite them.
But while many of the participants admitted to being frustrated and having their patience tested during this conversation, they unanimously agreed that this experience was overwhelmingly helpful, productive, transformative, and, ultimately, worth it.
“It definitely had value, even though it’s frustrating sometimes,” said Andrea Dooley, a lawyer from California. “But I think that’s the point of it. It definitely helped me to know what other people’s perspectives are — particularly in the Bay Area, where it’s a little bit of an echo chamber — it’s helpful to be able to say, ‘Well, here’s actually what other people are thinking.’”
“Our echo chambers on both sides just seemed to be so far apart,” Courtney Hall, a Trump voter from Alabama, when I asked why she was initially inspired to sign up for the project. “And I really wanted to find a place where we could come together. This project really exceeded my expectations. It gave us all a place where, if we couldn’t agree, we could at least come to an understanding.”
These similar comments were some of the first that surprised me. I am fascinated by the commonalities in many of the responses I heard, from women who have only ever spoken online, with literally thousands of miles — and entrenched political ideologies — separating them. Nearly all of the women I interviewed referred at some point to an unhappiness with being stuck in their “echo chambers,” and feeling disconnected from people who they don’t align with politically.
This conversation, many of them told me, was an ideal way for them build those bridges, with people whom they would have never met otherwise.
“I did not think that I would come to a place where I wanted to meet anyone in person and get to know them. And now, I would love to go just hang out with so many of the women I met in this group,” Susannah Prinz told me, while we laughed together in her home in Oakland, Calif.
“Honestly, I think my favorite part of the experience was just building relationships with these women,” echoed Hall. “For me, it was really incredible to add a level of diversity to my life that was not present.”
The image of the dinner table, where everyone is accepted, welcomed, and invited to speak, recurred a lot during my interviews, especially when I asked each woman about how it felt to have moderators guiding the conversation.
“At the outset, If I don’t understand that you care, or if we both start off thinking that the other is stupid, racist, or just out for money, then we have no reason to sit down at the table together,” said Jane Walker, from Hartselle, Ala. “The difference in this group was, if we disagreed on something, instead of leaving the table, they [the moderators] said, ‘You need to use a different wording in order to be heard.’ That was very helpful.”
Many of the women in California shared similar feelings about the moderation, and their overall experience of building a unique environment that was welcoming to questions, civil debate, and disagreement.
“I think it allows us to go back to the ways that people used to have these conversations: over the dinner table. Now, this is kind of a form of doing that,” said Prinz.
More than anything, the women all expressed that the group had pushed them to exercise empathy to a level that they had never experienced before.
“Being able to have these conversations gave us a lot of room to see that there’s much more than our own experiences or those of our neighbors or just the people we associate with. It wasn’t about trying to change somebody’s mind, it was just about thinking outside of your own view and bringing in other people’s views into the conversation,” Alabamian Jaymie Testman told me.
“This isn’t about whether your experience is correct and my experience is wrong. There are myriad experiences that make up where we are now. I think that level of acceptance — that this isn’t about good people or bad people. I think it’s just about listening with love,” said Brittany Walker Pettigrew, a San Francisco Bay Area native.
By the 5th or 6th interview, I was emotionally overwhelmed by the parallels in the feelings and memories the women had shared with me.
As a reporter, I’ve interviewed a lot of people. I’ve interviewed political opponents, political allies, people who are on the same team, and people who hate each other. But I’ve never heard such a beautiful echo of ideas and kind words flow back and forth across the ideological divide.
Who could have possibly guessed that these women — who disagree about literally everything — could have such similarly eloquent, genuine and thoughtful responses for a reporter, an outsider that they’ve never met before?
As a person who has made it my job and whose passion it is to monitor, report on and be familiar with the divide that has all but ripped my country apart, these women appeared to me as a beacon of light in a very bleak political atmosphere. I can sincerely say that my talks with the women from this group have reminded me why inclusion, diversity of ideas, and unconditional empathy are so important.
If there is any one lesson that I’ve learned after hearing about their experiences learning from, understanding, and bonding with each other, it’s best summarized by Helena Brantley, one of the Californians:
“Maybe on Facebook, and in other situations, we’ve lost our civility, but when you get people one on one and you spend enough time with someone, amazing things can happen — even in our differences.”
The Many is Spaceship Media’s latest project. The Many is a closed, moderated Facebook group for women across the country and of all political stripes from hard left, hard right and everything in between. The group will run at least until midterm elections in November and is a place to talk civilly and respectfully about a range of political and social issues. Visit our website to learn more about the project and join the conversation by filling out this form.
