Asian Women: Not the Silent Majority
My nose was running. I had a cold. I held my hands to my face. I sniffled.
I didn’t want anyone to see. My eyes shifted to my teacher’s desk. Most teachers kept tissues on their desks; he did not. I felt too shy to ask for one. Then he noticed my nose running and pointed and laughed, mocking me, before pulling a box of tissues from his cabinet and putting them on my desk. I heard the class laughing behind me. I tugged, reluctantly, at a tissue from the box and tried to blow my nose as quietly as possible. They continued to gawk at me, laughing. My face was flushed and hot.
“That was messed up,” one of my friends said after class. I shrugged. I didn’t say anything, even though I was deeply embarrassed. You see, I was a quiet Filipino-American kid, who grew up around other quiet Filipino kids. I couldn’t risk stirring the pot.
This phenomenon is not uncommon among Asian-Americans — especially women — growing up. Quiet. Unnoticed. These are the qualities to strive for in many Asian cultures. Now, as a moderator for Spaceship Media’s The Many, I’m keenly aware that this cultural tendency affects women on a much larger scale than I realized and typically they don’t talk about it (which is not surprising).
I was like that too. I didn’t want to speak up about the pressure and decided to keep to myself. But through my work in The Many, I am learning that I have a voice and need to use it.
The Many is a closed Facebook group where women from across the country and of all political affiliations, from Republican to Democrat and everything in between, engage in civil conversations about politics, current events and ultimately, just life. While most women have experienced oppression, this kind of dialogue comes with additional challenges for some Asian women (both in and out of the group).
“It’s almost treated as a virtue, to not voice your opinion,” said Wendy Toda, 58, of San Jose, California, a member of The Many. “It’s like you’re a better person if you don’t express your opinion. It’s almost seen as being rude or impolite or an upstart if you have an opinion.”
Toda (who is Chinese) grew up around many Japanese friends and their families. In her experience, sticking out was not acceptable and having an opinion attracted unwanted attention.
“What would happen is that I was too forthright in the Japanese world so I would knock people over there,” she explained, “But then I would be too non-opinionated in the white world and get run over.”
Toda is not alone in learning to modify and adapt her behavior to fit in in different communities.
“No one tells you, ‘Okay, this is how you be an American,’” said Sakura Ando, 25, of Nutley, New Jersey. “In my third year of nursing, I finally grasped that I have a voice.”
Ando grew up in a fairly traditional Japanese household with similar experiences to Toda. Her nursing career has helped her develop an ability to speak up at work — though not necessarily elsewhere. Ando described this duality between Japanese culture and more mainstream American culture as two parallel lines that never intersect, but at times feel closer or farther apart.
“When you grow up in an immigrant family you don’t know the nuance, they don’t know the social cues that are ‘American,”’ she said.
Despite the desire to speak up, there’s a generalization that Asian-American women prefer to be quiet.
“We’re worker bees who get the job done. We don’t have the personality it takes to manage people. We’re just duds, who keep our ‘heads down and stay very quiet,’” Laura Kim, digital storyteller at the New York Times wrote.
Some numbers back Kim’s statement up.
For example, in the San Francisco Bay Area, between 2007 and 2015, Asians had become the largest racial cohort of professionals, according to a report by Harvard Business Review and the Ascend Foundation, a non-profit organization that advocates for Pan-Asian leadership. But Asians were least likely among all races to become managers and executives. Even more telling: among them, Asian women were least likely to become executives.
However, Asian Americans are the fastest-growing ethnic group in the country according to Asian American Pacific Islander data, a policy research program at the University of California, Riverside. With this boom in numbers, Asian Americans have slowly gained influence over school curriculums and local elections by voting and getting more civically involved in their communities, as an additional way for their voices to be heard.
“My parents are older so when they were considering adopting a child from Asia, I think their exposure to Asian culture and people in America was very limited, especially in less urban areas,” said Rebecca Seung-Bickley, 32, of Montgomery, Alabama. Seung-Bickley, a member of The Many, is Korean and was adopted into a white family at four months.
“People’s idea of what Asianess or what Asian culture was in the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s is different from what people understand it to be now,” she said.
Seung-Bickley said that the population growth (which is occurring at a faster rate in the South) continues the upward momentum for the Asian-American community.
“I think it’s changing as we get more diversity and women in higher level positions but there’s certainly still a lot farther to go,” she said.
While Asian women struggle with speaking up, the “silent Asian” stereotype affects different ethnicities in a variety of ways. By the numbers, generalizations about Asians in the U.S don’t add up. While the Asian population grew 72 percent between 2000 and 2015 in the U.S, not a single country of origin dominates the Asian population in the U.S., according to PEW Research Center. Asian culture is diverse; there is no one way that Asians in the U.S feel about these stereotypes.
Another member of The Many, Tiffany Chen, 30, of Garden Grove, California, doesn’t feel stifled by her culture and thinks her personal principals line up with her Chinese-American upbringing.
“In terms of family and your relationship with your parents or the way I feel about education, I think that’s culturally influenced, not just what I’m expected to be as a woman,” Chen explained.
Other women in The Many have made strides to not live the quiet Asian stereotype. As for me, It’s been a long time since I was too shy to speak up about a teacher teasing me. As I have matured, I have become more outspoken. Now as a journalist, I use my curiosity to learn more about the world and dig deep into other’s experiences. You know how? I speak up and ask.
As a moderator, I’ve learned how to use my voice to help other members engage in difficult dialogue. At times, I have to interject in difficult threads or directly message group members during heated arguments. There’s hardly any room to be timid.
Watching the women in The Many engage in conversation is something that I deeply appreciate. It reminds me that you don’t need to be an expert to talk about tough topics and that my opinions are as valid as anyone else’s.
“One thing I will take from The Many — I will be braver because I got to practice speaking up and I was heard!” said Toda.
The silent Asian is a stereotype I have to live with. Some days I embody it. Some days I don’t. But when I do decide to keep to myself, it doesn’t feel like I’m succumbing to the pressure. That is empowering. It won’t be my culture keeping me quiet.
It’s my choice. Either way, I’m not shutting up.
Spaceship Media’s The Many is a closed, moderated Facebook group for women across the country and of all political stripes from hard left, hard right and everything in between. The group will run at least until midterm elections in November and is a place to talk civilly and respectfully about a range of political and social issues. Visit our website to learn more about the project and join the conversation by filling out this form.
