The key to navigating difference, for me, starts at home

Civil discourse is important for work but more so because I’m married to an “other.”

A while ago, I wrote an essay about the rarity of bipartisan relationships. It dealt a lot with respect and talking to “the other.” In the time since, my life — like that of most Americans — has become about navigating difference. With a new gig at Spaceship Media, a company that hopes to use journalism to bridge divides, I have also been reflective of how journalism has help lessen the rifts in America but also helped widen them.

In this time, I have found that journalists — smart, well-meaning, articulate journalists— are still talking about people they cover or hope to cover as outside themselves. I have watched a president attack the first amendment and been appalled that most of that outrage has come from within the industry. But most of all, I have been shocked at the words we, Americans, choose when speaking to like-minded people and, even more when talking about and to “the other.”

But “the other” isn’t going to magically disappear. If we stand any shot of being the United States, we must find common ground.

One of the reasons I joined Spaceship was because I heard the founders, Eve Pearlman and Jeremy Hay, say at least three different times, “we aren’t here to change people’s minds.” Instead, they want to get people in civil discourse. Yesterday on a conference call, Jeremy articulated beautifully why civil discourse — while on its own won’t solve anything — can be a very direct path to the changing behavior at the ballot box. If people can understand why others think differently than they do, perhaps they will be more likely to vote on issues instead of straight down party lines. In a word, that’s empathy. And empathy is only possible through … discourse. Don’t get me wrong: When I say common ground, I don’t mean agreement. I mean the common ground of being able to have basic conversations with one another.

All this got me back to thinking about how my husband and I engage with one another about politics. (I’m not going to lie, it’s gotten hella harder this year). We’ve never established ground rules as it were, but I, at least, have unspoken ones.

Try to remain calm

There are so many euphemisms in politics. And both sides have developed their own English. When I talk to my husband, I try not use “politically correct” words because I know that will just annoy him. For example, in our house, if we were talking about marriage between people of the same gender, I wanted to say “marriage equality” because it’s more politically correct but stuck with “gay marriage” because that was a phrase we were both familiar with and got my point across just fine. If I effort to leave emotion out of things and try not to debate but discuss, we have more fruitful conversations. Because emotions muddle what we mean and the points we actually want to get across to one another but the only one I have control over is me.

Which brings me to …

Don’t be afraid to speak up

When I think something said is “mean” or “hurtful” or “disparaging” I ask myself, “Do I actually understand what he means?” Then I try to listen to his actual point. And if the statement he made is still under my skin, I say something. I explain why “illegals” is offensive to me or why his use of the masculine pronoun when talking about Caitlin Jenner is wrong. Usually, his explanation makes it clear that he is not trying to weaponize a word or phrase, he’s not trying to offend. But here’s the ticket, I don’t ask him why he says “illegals” or “she.” I explain why those words offend me. Again, the onus is on me and my behavior. Luckily, he has enough respect for me that he will take the time to try to tell me why he’s saying what he’s saying. We try to be patient and non-combative but don’t shy away from our differences.

Which is sort of like but not exactly …

Engage respectfully

The single most contentious conversations we have had this year … Colin Kaepernick. I stand firmly in the opinion that to support the protest is in keeping with American ideals … “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” While my husband, in contrast, believes that the actions are disrespectful to everything American: the flag, to soldiers, to the nation, the anthem, the president ... These conversations have gotten heated but without making it personal. And we’ve continued to have them because it’s worthwhile to engage and discuss things that matter to you.

And as you would suspect, we haven’t changed each other’s minds. But I think in the decade plus we’ve been together, we have carried one challenging conversations without venom into the ballot booth. I know, for example, that in the last election, he didn’t vote Republican because the rhetoric had become so hateful specifically toward immigrants. I believe that our difficult conversations do bridge a divide. They make us more thoughtful, better informed American voters but more importantly, rounder, more empathetic humans.

The Many is Spaceship Media’s latest project. The Many is a closed, moderated Facebook group for women across the country and of all political stripes from hard left, hard right and everything in between. The group will run at least until midterm elections in November and is a place to talk civilly and respectfully about a range of political and social issues. Visit our website to learn more about the project and join the conversation by filling out this form.