I’m 6 weeks pregnant and spotting.

I’m 6 weeks pregnant and spotting. The anxiety has NOT stopped. It’s cooled some, but it has not stopped. And, I’m alone. Actually alone. The very day I started spotting, my husband left for Japan for a week. Every time I go to the bathroom, I’m reminded that I am one wipe away from a panic attack.

I guess I’m not completely alone. I’ve told people that I’m pregnant. I had to tell the dentist to avoid x-rays. When my neighbor found me crying one day when my husband was away, I told her. And, how could I not ask my closest friends if this spotting had happened to them?

Before conceiving, I strongly believed it shouldn’t be so taboo to share pregnancy before the 3rd month. The worst case is the worst case and not at all anyone’s fault. The benefits to telling people about pregnancy before the 3rd month outweigh the risks. After all, it must be a good thing to have support in case the worst were to happen, right?

So, I knew I would tell people as soon as I was pregnant, and I am glad I did. Too much weird stuff starts happening just about the minute you become pregnant, and when my husband tells me, “Yep, that’s normal,” or “Yep, the books said that could happen,” it’s just not as comforting as hearing, “That happened to me too.”

So, here I am, I’m 6 weeks pregnant and spotting. I’ve told probably 5 people. I just thought I would tell more people, so I feel a little like a hypocrite. I swore I wouldn’t get so hung up on tradition and tell who I wanted to tell, but now I’m exceptionally picky about who I tell. For now, I have only told people who have also experienced pregnancy. My pregnancy is labeled “complicated” and technically with my age, it could be “threatened” because of the spotting. The pending doom of “complications” has kept me quieter, and to be honest, less excited than I want to be.

I’m 6 weeks pregnant and spotting, and I can’t stop freaking out. All that logic about miscarriages happening because of genetic randomness suddenly got swept away and replaced instead with a Niagara Falls of guilt, “what if’s” and anxiety that I’m not fit or young enough to make a baby.

Here are some of my guilty thoughts: “I shouldn’t have done that Megaformer pilates class. I knew I squeezed too hard.” “I shouldn’t have run.” “It’s probably because I had that drink before I knew I was pregnant.” “What about the 2 days I forgot my prenatal pills?” “I’m sure the worry is going to propel this baby out of my body.” “Shit, that salad had blue cheese in it. Blue cheese is a no-no, right?” “ I knew I needed more sleep.” “I shouldn’t have pushed up against the sink like that with my belly.”

The guilty thoughts kept coming: “I bet it’s my anxiety that makes me not want to eat. No way it can be morning sickness.” “All food seems gross, but if I don’t eat something soon, more spotting will happen, I just know it.” “I shouldn’t have used that Head and Shoulders shampoo. Tons of chemicals in there,” “I shouldn’t keep my iPad so close to my belly in bed at night.” “I’ve basically tripled Starbucks stock in how many hibiscus teas I’ve had and now I find out hibiscus tea can cause miscarriage. Great.” “Maybe I shouldn’t have walked when I was resting that weekend.” “Is that a cramp or is that gas? I bet it’s a cramp. Oh shit…” “I shouldn’t have allowed my doctor to do that ultrasound so early. Other people on the internet said it caused a miscarriage.”

For some reason, the last statement was where I stopped myself and took a step back. There are so many speculations out there as to what causes miscarriage. There’s a whole sea of people, just like me, and we’re all searching for an explanation to maintain some semblance of control over an uncomfortable and uncertain situation. In my case, I was convinced that there had to be a better explanation than, “it’s normal and more common than you think.” I needed more control than that. When I took a step back, I could see my brain spinning worries into an immense, pervasive web trying desperately to catch control in an uncontrollable situation. What I caught instead was a colossal guilt monster churning and spewing out tormenting hypothetical causations.

I’m 6 weeks pregnant and spotting. The doctor said the spotting looked normal. He explained I likely got a tear in the capillaries of my uterine lining. It could have happened when I sneezed. It would likely stop. My anxiety did somewhat, but only a little. He showed me a heartbeat. I was thrilled, but the quietest I have ever been while excited. It was too early to celebrate still. There was a guilt to celebrating. Maybe there were more tests we could do? Like check my hormone levels and see if they are rising still? I mean, last I looked, even though the doctor said it was great that my hormone levels doubled, the numbers looked a little low considering I am 6 weeks, even though these numbers are technically “normal”. Right? I’ll just take another pregnancy test to be sure.

I’m 6 weeks pregnant and spotting. Clearly the universe lined this up for me to handle on my own without my husband. He’s still away and I’m still spotting. I needed to come to terms with this guilt and this anxiety on my own. So my brain did what it does and it started thinking: “I have to do everything I can. I can hold it in.” Obviously, this is not true. If the worst is going to happen, I have no control. “Maybe I should really go on bed rest.” The doctors did not recommend this. “If I could just stop spotting, I could feel better and start feeling excited about this pregnancy.”

I want nothing more than to feel better, yet I am refusing myself to allow it. I light candle after candle, and pull angel card after angel card in search of the answer. I call on a few my closest ladies (also moms and soon-to-be). I hope of some comfort.

At one point, I remind myself, my body knows what to do. I mean, a horse or a dog or any other animal does not need an ultrasound to give birth, it just does it. I remind myself if the worst is to happen, there is nothing I can do about it. It is out of my control. I can only control my thoughts. Then, I go to the bathroom, I’m still spotting and there is no control over my thoughts… it’s on a full blast repeat of guilt, worry, guilt, worry, guilt, worry.

Out of nowhere (and what likely seemed like an eternity to my friends and husband), a tiny seed of relief starts to sprout in my brain. I remember a quote by Emerson: “No one can bring you peace but yourself”. Ok, so finding peace was on me. I could do this. I could find peace with my worries. And somehow that same day, I was called to open my Eckhart Tolle book. By what I am sure is a gift of solace from the universe, I turned first to his quote, “You didn’t create your body, nor are you able to control the body’s functions. An intelligence greater the than human mind is at work.”

What happens with this baby in my body (for the most part) is out of my control. And I’ve been told, it’s all normal for now, I can check back in a week. Even then, if the worst is to happen, there is nothing to be done. So, what if, for a few days, I gave up that worry to the universe? What if I just didn’t even check for spotting for a few days? What a relief that would be.

Finally, I realized that tiny seed took root when I was talking with my friend that same day and I heard myself saying, “I guess I don’t have to wait for this spotting to stop to start enjoying being pregnant.”

It’s true. I can find space to enjoy this pregnancy, even though the unexpected is happening.

So now I have my pregnancy mantra: The situation doesn’t have to change in order for me to start feeling better now.

I’m 6 weeks pregnant and spotting. The situation doesn’t have to change in order for me to start feeling better right NOW. (I just need to say it a few more times and maybe it will really sink in…)

I’m 6 weeks pregnant and spotting. The situation doesn’t have to change in order for me to start feeling better right NOW. It’s ok to be excited.

I’m 6 weeks pregnant and spotting. The situation doesn’t have to change in order for me to start feeling better right NOW. I can be excited even though I don’t know the outcome yet.

I’m 6 weeks pregnant and spotting. It’s really exciting. I don’t know the outcome yet and, I’m still excited right now.

At the time of publication, I’m actually 36 weeks pregnant, and exceptionally excited. I wish it had taken less time for me to find the courage to share this. Still, these were all my very real, very true thoughts from 30 weeks ago. In any case, I share this in hopes that someone experiencing the same worries may find some relief faster than I did.

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My writing is often a reflection on the healing work I have done and am doing. And, I am also a certified life coach and healing practitioner offering Self-Love Coaching. The offering I give is one that I have received and learned across multiple modalities. My writings are also an opening for you to know me and my style. If you are interested in learning more about me and my Self-Love Coaching offering, please visit my website www.bethharmon.com.