When Mantras Suck
Mantras suck. Well, ok well not always. But even for me, a yoga-going, Chopra-meditating, crystal-wearing self-care goddess, there are times when my rigid brain just can’t deal with them. Especially now, when I am 3 months postpartum and I’m still getting used to this new body and new neuro wiring. Mantras tell me something that I just so clearly do not have in my belief system and probably are not ready to trust yet. I feel like they just shove their knowing in my face and come across all high and mighty. And then I feel bad because it’s not my belief but it should be. UGH! MANTRAS! How is it even a thing right now?
Let me show you what I mean with a specific example. But, first, there is some background information you should know about me: I am a person who has chronically identified with the emotion of anxiety over the past 25 years of my life. I have felt anxiety in numerous ways and in abundant settings: in panic attacks on planes, in conversations with people I don’t agree with, in large indoor crowded places, in a big meeting, in small meetings, in yoga, in new places, in the presence of bees, outside my crying daughter’s bedroom door, in the cold medication aisle at Target anticipating the 2020 covid shutdown, and most recently as we come out of covid hiding, at the playground with my 3-year-old toddler. Twenty five years is a long time, so naturally, I have learned numerous tools to help me allow the anxiety to pass through me and not stick in me. Which is all good and great. AND currently, I am 3 months postpartum so, unfortunately, access to those tools has been completely unreliable thanks to the continually shifting hormones in my body. The brain I thought I knew so well, now feels glazed over and the old connections and paths are starting to feel buried under layers of deep snow. All the old judgements I had worked through about being a “person who experienced anxiety” vs. an “anxious person” are now back, just staring at me in the face, reminding me I am a failure at this zen thing and I am back to square one.
So, back to trying a mantra.
Mantras for anxiety: I AM SAFE. ALL IS WELL.
My anxiety: Well, that is just NOT true. Nope. No. uh-uh. I don’t care how you phrase it, it’s just not true at all. I don’t feel safe. Nothing feels well. There is a pandemic happening for crying out loud! Do you see the number of kids out there on that playground without masks? How many germs do you think are on that swing? And those parents just standing there maskless! Nope. Things are not safe. Try again.
Mantra: “Well, just fake it til you make it.” “Just keep saying it and you will start believing it.”
My anxiety: Well, that just sucks. I just repeat “I am safe” and suddenly all the germs go away? HA! Yeah right. No thanks. I tried it, it’s not working. I’ll just stick to the lysol, thanks.
See? Mantras suck! They want to force their way into acceptance. And, I am resistant to change, which is not my fault by the way. I was hardwired this way. And it is currently exacerbated by the natural rewiring mother nature took upon herself to gift to me for the well-being of my infant. It’s almost as if I can see my tools floating outside my head in little thought bubbles, but I just can’t reach high enough to get them. The tangled web of my postpartum brain, which works hard to keep my little one safe (yes, thank you PPA for your diligent work!), does its sticky labors, keeping all the anxious thoughts close. It’s woven so intricately that the light of my tools only peek through small holes of this web.
Right now, most days, mantras are just too far up there for me to reach. But, with a little conditioning, I can open up and make space in that web. The warm up is something that really helps me remember that this mantra is not anything that needs to be forced. It doesn’t need to be perfect. It is something that is just waiting for me on the other side once my anxiety has been properly acknowledged and thanked for its service. Even if I can only squint through the web, it is still there waiting for me.
What does that look like? For me it looks like this:
Inner Anxiety Coach: I feel safe when I am in my favorite sweatpants. I feel safe when I drink tea. I feel safe when I am writing. I feel safe doing my workouts. I feel safe going for walks. I feel safe eating dinner. I can feel safe all day long.
For now, while I’m dysregulated without notice (thanks hormones!) I much prefer the inner coach warm-up drill to the mantra. My old pal anxiety just isn’t ready to swallow that mantra pill yet.
It’s ok anxiety, my old pal. You are fighting hard to stay with me. I get it, we are in a pandemic still. You are trying to keep me healthy. So, you don’t have to go anywhere. But, while you’re here, cuddle up with this cozy story I wrote for you about feeling safe. We can talk about the playground later.
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