I wanted to hear from women about pregnancy and infant loss — I was not expecting this call.
On breaking the silence for women and families.
In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on Saturday, October 15th, I opened up my SpareMin account for women and men to call in — anonymously or not — and share their stories of love and loss.
I was looking forward to hearing from families all over the country, even the world — but I was not expecting to get a call from my own cousin.
Jeni has had four miscarriages, and I never knew. I could name a couple of her high school boyfriends, describe her wedding, or pinpoint which of our relatives passed their big-hearted hot-headedness on to her. But I had no idea that my cousin — to use her words — has four babies who never came home with her.
Jeni explained to me that she felt compelled to share her story now because “I think that I’m not alone in keeping that sort of thing under wraps… but I feel alone.”
I’ve been speaking with women about pregnancy loss on SpareMin for months now. Pregnancy loss, infertility, stillbirth, adoption challenges… I’ve heard from close friends, colleagues, a former employer, and complete strangers. I’m beginning to learn that a smooth road to birth is the real rarity. And the most consistent thing I’ve heard about the heartache along the way is that stories help. There is healing and solidarity in hearing another person’s story, and there is relief in sharing one’s own.
The day after my cousin told me her story, my mom called to tell me she’d taken the time to listen not just to her niece’s call, but to every call I had made in the pregnancy loss series on SpareMin.
“I just wanted to tell you how important I think this series is,” she said. “I feel that, more than anything, I’ve been listening to women tell stories they’ve been needing to tell but didn’t feel they could before.”
It wasn’t lost on me that these platforms were not around for women of my mother’s generation. There were no Facebook groups in the 1970s, no bloggers and no forums where you could find other people who would at least say, “I know. Me, too.”
And though each of the stories I have heard are unique, they echo the same themes:
Motherhood is forever.
You never forget.
And we, as a culture, do not acknowledge pregnancy loss enough.
It has already taken generations to even begin to break the silence that surrounds pregnancy loss. I am infinitely grateful to every person I’ve spoken to, because their sharing can break down someone else’s isolation. You never know who might be seeing themselves in your story. And that person might even be closer to you than you think.
Take it from me.
If you have gone through loss or complications in your journey towards building a family, I want to hear from you. You can send me a talk request on the SpareMin app, and we can have a call at our mutual convenience. Or, you can dial-in directly to my SpareMin account at (917) 426–0043 x 5371 on Thursdays, from 5pm-7pm PT.
In the meantime, here is a list of all of my calls on these subjects — you can check back in, as I’ll keep this updated. Please listen, share and keep these voices heard.
On Pregnancy and Baby Loss
- Janel Atlas speaks with Abi about her book They Were Still Born: Personal Stories About Stillbirth, and offers advice for processing grief and supporting bereaved families.
- Comedy writer Andrea talks about miscarriage, making peace with a new family plan, and impersonating Matthew McConaughey.
- Nicole talks about going through a miscarriage while buying a house for her expanding family. A blunt, honest conversation. TW for those in grief.
- Shawna talks about her experience with miscarriage, struggling through a lack of support, and finally finding a community to help her heal.
- Jennifer shares a piece she wrote about genuine motherhood and the mistake of forgetting that women who have miscarried are still mothers.
- Journalist Cindy Lamonthe explains why therapy is vital during pregnancy, and talks about the pervasive myth that pregnancy is a constant joy.
On infertility, IVF, adoption, and family
- Talking about IVF: Jenna tells me about the highly specific process of donor selection and finding other families who used the same donor.
- Cherise talks about dealing with infertility, struggling with IVF and miscarriage, and becoming a fulfilled mama through adoption. Listen to Part 1 and Part 2.
- Jessie tells me about the heartache of confronting infertility after a successful first pregnancy.
- Deborah talks about finding mutual support with a cousin also struggling with infertility and the surprising guilt she felt when her second pregnancy was way easier.
- Jenna talks about finding a gay-friendly fertility clinic, handling miscarriage as the non-pregnant partner, and the end result that made all the heartache worth it.
- Emily tells me about getting through infertility, a miscarriage, and an Ectopic Pregnancy, and the online community that helped her get through it.
- Jaclyn tells her infertility story, talks about fielding invasive questions, and shares words of hope for couples struggling to conceive.
