Another Day, Another Man Fails to Live Up to Expectations We Shouldn’t Have Had in the First Place?
I do not trust 99% of men.
Every single one I’ve let close to me has demonstrated a blatant or unintentional disregard for womanhood, for bodily autonomy, for humanization of their sexual interests because of immaturity and low levels of emotional literacy, entitlement, ignorance stemming from privilege, lack of experience being responsible due to histories of not being held accountable, and selfishness.
There’s a handful I’m just waiting to let me down in some major way — and not because of character flaws and inadequacies in that regard (it is astounding — by which I mean tragic — that one of the men I trust the most is someone who has hurt me innumerably with whom I have to require strict boundaries because at least he is predictable in how he will hurt you and while there’s no changing these faults, apparently, he won’t pretend to be better and end up being worse) — because I am full of flaws too — but because even apologies, if self-aware enough for those, are a performance when there’s no real repercussion and the only consequence is harm to someone in a position of less power.
This taking without giving, this inequality in relationships, this understanding that one can get away with it socially and not lose anything, this is exploitation and this is rape culture. Rape culture tendencies are ingrained in every facet of our current implementation of capitalism and also lies at the roots of imperialism.
So when I hear about Kevin Spacey, I don’t feel shattered, just numb to it. *Shrug* I feel sadness for those he’s harmed, which is certainly more than one person, but I’m not shocked and outraged. Why be shocked about him being a product of his generation and culture — one that encourages the pretense of change, that encourages male feminism, but that (obviously) does not have any real intention of dismantling itself?
Besides, a man’s greatness has never been measured by his magnanimity, just as character, evaluated by the public, has never truly been measured by how much you respect/make space and how you treat those with less power.
And this is why women who consider themselves feminists and believe in respectability and working with men for gender equality as the ultimate priorities over self-respect — usually an older cohort — make me so angry. Yes, we should make space for the idea that men are capable of growth and transformation. Without expecting them to be more, they may very well resign themselves to not having to be more. Yet, this can’t take place at the expense of reality. Being capable of being better and expecting someone to be better are very different things. We cannot will people into transformation — and we should not enable bad behavior of those proclaiming to be progressive and pro-feminist because they have asked to be held to higher standards when they chose to say they care about equality.
Yet despite my evidence-based lack of trust in men, my love of men, a hopefulness necessary to survival, a desire for the world to be a better place, and my susceptibility to folly, too — I desperately wish to be proven wrong.
I wish for redemption that is not intended for the eyes of the beholder but truly healing, deep, and real.
I wish for resentment and passive aggression and pettiness to not rule us anymore because we won’t need to resort to them (I wish for them to not be valid responses to existence).
I wish for resilience to come from being part of nurturing and reciprocating families and communities, not from trauma.
I wish for health.
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