8 Clowns You’re Thinking About

1. Dr. Chester Nut
Are you kidding me right now? Dr. Chester Nut is a world class surgeon that specializes in pediatric care. He’s not a clown. Why would you put him on your list of clowns?

The guy has saved more lives than you have brain cells. I don’t care how silly his name is, he doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.

2. Vincent DeBago
I mean, Vinny D. can tell a good joke, but I wouldn’t call him a clown. What is your deal? Everybody likes Vinny. He brings 7 layer dip to parties without even being asked. I’ve literally never seen you bring a side dish to a party. The saddest part is, if Vinny saw this, he’d be defending you right now.

3. Boink-O-Blonky
Oh okay — so now you’re just going to make up a fake clown name and think no one is going to be able to tell? There is no clown on the planet named Boink-O-Blonky. Christ almighty, go see a therapist.

4. Scotty Tuscon
Scotty Tuscon is a beloved child actor. Dr. Chester Nut and Vinny D. are grown adults — they can handle you calling them a clown, but Scotty is just a kid. That’s really messed up that you would attack him like that. I don’t care if he single-handedly ruined the entire “Tundra Force Galaxy” movie franchise. Grow up.

5. John Wayne Gacy
The murderer? This is the first actual clown on your list, but what the hell man. How are you gonna go and put Dr. Chester Nut, Vinny D and Scotty Tuscon on a list with notorious murderer clown John Wayne Gacy? There is a violent subtext to all of your answers that cannot go ignored. Get help.

6. You
You think I’m a clown? You’ve got a lot of nerve putting me on your clown list, buster. Word got around to Dr. Chester Nut and he’s contacting his lawyers. More importantly, Vinny D. found out and it really hurt his feelings.

If you don’t turn things around in the next two entries, you’d better believe I’m going to be at your front door, taking off my wristwatches before the punching starts.

Nobody has said anything to Scotty because he’s a child and we would never do that to him, even though “Tundra Force Galaxy” is ruined forever.

7. Me
Wait… What? Do you really expect me to believe that you’ve been a clown this whole time and that naming non-clowns on this list is all part of some elaborate written form of clowning?

I’m not buying it. Clowns have a purpose, and that purpose is to lift people’s spirits and shine a light on humanities charming foibles. All you’ve done here is defame Me, Scotty, Vinny D. and Dr. Chester Nut.

8. You and Scotty and Vinny D. and Dr. Chester Nut
The wrist watches are coming off!