My best date ever

And it saved my life.

The only date I've ever been on. So far.

I was 21 at the time, way too old to have never been on a date.

Two weeks after we met at an event, he emailed me.

Him:

I managed to get your email address from a mutual friend and I hope that was okay. I just wanted to tell you that I very much connected to many of the qualities that I saw in you during that short time, and I was just wondering if you are dating at the moment and if you’d be interested in having dinner together sometime in the near future. If not I completely understand - please do not be afraid to answer no. Hope to hear back!

I was flattered. I mean come on — being asked out by someone who seemed perfect in every way was thrilling. He was a songwriter and a guitarist who appreciated art and nature and had a special sensitivity and charm that made him unique and drew me towards him.

But it wasn't quite that simple…

Me:

Here is the deal — I am NOT DATING right now, and don’t plan on dating for quite a while. There are many things I need to focus on in my personal life before I can even consider it. Nothing personal at all, but I am not in a place where I feel ready to date, for MANY reasons. I appreciate your honesty and thank you for the kind offer, but I will have to say no for now, for personal reasons. I hope you understand and aren't hurt by my “rejection.”

Then he proceeded to send me a long thought-out letter pleading for me to give him a chance, begging that I reconsider. When I left it unanswered he resent it, “Just in case it didn't send properly the first time.”

If only he knew why I hadn't responded right away… What I was busy dealing with. How I was unsure if I’d make it out that week alive. Literally.

I was angry; he was teasing me. I couldn't start a relationship — I was unstable. But his offer was so enticing and his persistence was only exasperating my dilemma.

To date or not to date — was the risk worth taking?

I responded in a rather obnoxious way.

Me:

Listen, I will try to make this as brief and to the point as possible. Shira Lichtman is not able to date right now for various reasons. When will I be able to date? It can take a few months or a few years. Either way, now is not the time. I get how badly you want this to work, or for us to at least meet, but for reasons I prefer not to get into, I cannot do any of that right now. Again, I want to clarify that this has nothing to do with you!! I appreciate your persistence and I feel bad that I am disappointing you and not giving it any chance at all. But for now, it’s what I have to do. My advice to you — either wait around (it can take a while — no guarantees) until I’m ready to date OR give up. I’m really sorry. I’m sorry not just for you but for the both of us, because I may be giving up on the opportunity of a lifetime. There are just other priorities in my life that I need to focus on now. I would prefer if we stopped emailing for now, and I’ll be in touch with you regarding any changes in my “dating” status. Thanks for understanding. And I apologize again.

I was angry and confused and scared and curious. I didn't want to take a risk and get hurt. Sharing myself with someone else, being vulnerable — those were things I shied away from. How could I trust another person? A man. What if I liked him and he rejected me? I couldn't handle heartbreak and didn't want to subject myself to potential hurt.

Wasn't living in isolation and safety the best strategy? Wasn't protection the ideal way to go?

Then I painted an egg. (see description)

One of my greatest conflicts at the time is portrayed in this painting. The egg in the picture has two cracks, one above and one below. Yoke spills out the bottom crack symbolizing loss of potential and tragic ending. The crack above it has the arm of a chick sticking out. It is gushing blood to symbolize the pain and difficulty required in order for a bird to break out of its shell — while its ultimate goal is to embrace life and attain freedom.

Just a few days after my please-never-talk-to-me-again email, I wrote to him.

I sent him my number and asked him to call me. I told him there was something we needed to discuss. When he called I explained that my hesitation was a product of my fear. I told him that I had never been on a date before and the notion overwhelmed me. But I was giving in — I wanted to get together.

That day he traveled two hours to meet me on my college campus.

I was so scared and worried because this was so new to me, so different, so daring, and so real.

It was the best seven hours I’d ever experienced. And all we did was walk around campus and talk.

We really connected through our conversation. He allowed me to see the parts of me that I had forgotten about. He enabled me to see the potential I possessed and he believed in me so much more than I ever believed in myself. He gave me so much hope. I suddenly was reminded of what I was passionate about, of what I wanted to gain and achieve in my life.

He recognized my value, my passion, and the potential I had. He challenged me that I really CAN change the world, and I suddenly wanted to prove him right.

He changed the world already. He changed my world.

I told him everything — more than I'd told anyone before — about my struggles and challenges in life. There was no second date, as my emotional state at the time didn't allow for it; he didn't want to get involved with me when I was so fragile.

When we jointly decided to end it I sobbed so intensely I had a hard time catching my breath. I was sad. Very sad. But I was able to recognize that the intensity of my pain and the loss I was experiencing was a sign of how much I had gained from the few hours I had spent with him.

That night in the depths of despair, he sent a second email email begging me to give him a chance and just meet up for one date. That email gave me hope.

There was someone out there in the world, who didn't know practically anything about me, but saw the potential that I didn't see in myself. It challenged me to see my worth and perhaps give myself another chance.

And I did. I pulled through. I struggled and I made progress throughout the weeks and months following. I felt more hopeful and I took more risks, even when I knew they could lead to disappointment.

I wasn't going to break down and give up. I would keep trying. Keep fighting. And if I were to die fighting, that would be so much more valuable than dying of despair. I exhibited strength and I pulled through.

It pains me to tears that things didn't work out between us, but I smile because I appreciate the enormous impact he ultimately had on me.